Satire: Liberal Vows To Not Vote Conscience

Hanging Chad -- Jacob Weisen, 31, Tampa, Florida, shrieked at his television as consumer advocate Ralph Nader said he would run for president on Meet the Press .

“The two-party duopoly is ferociously competing to see who's going to go to the White House and take orders from their corporate paymasters," Nader said. “I'm doing this on behalf of the third parties that want to compete.”

“For the love of God, nooooooo, Why Ralph why?” Weisen bellowed.

Weisen, who voted for Nader in the 2000 election, has become the asshole co-worker that warned him not to vote for Nader last time.

Vincent Brock, a democrat that worked with Weisen at Gateway had implored Weisen not to vote for Nader in Florida because the state was too evenly divided.

“I told him there wasn't much difference between Bush and Gore. Brock begged me not to do it because Bush was a smirking shit heel. He literally got down on his knees asked me to think about the radical conservatives that Bush would appoint to the judicial bench. I told him to piss off,” Weisen said.

Brock harangued him for weeks before the election trying to swing Weisen from voting for Nader.

“I called him a Nazi,” Weisen said.

The night of the election Weisen had stayed glued to the television until 4 a.m. and drank an entire bottle of Maalox.

When he came in the next morning, dark circles under his eyes, emotionally vulnerable and confused about democracy, he had been nearly strangled to death by Brock.

“I was sitting at my desk and reading Yahoo! message boards where republicans were gloating, calling us “sore losermans” and telling us to “kiss our civil liberties goodbye” when I felt a pair of stubby hands begin to choke my windpipe.”

It was Brock, a disturbed look in his eyes, “I told you not to vote for Nader” he screamed. “Look what you've done.”

Weisen fought him off and sat at his desk the rest of the morning as Brock sobbed in the next cubicle over.

The former Naderite promised that although Nader still makes complete sense to him that he would hold his nose and vote for the democrat this time.

“I'm ABB, they could run Pat Buchanan and I would vote for him,” a disillusioned Weisen said. “I guess I've become just like Brock.”

The Tampa native had hoped for one brief instant that Howard Dean might receive the democrat nomination and he could vote for someone that inspired him but alas that was too no avail.

Weisen isn't alone in voting against his conscience, hundreds of thousands of Nader supporters and millions of others have sworn to vote solely on the basis of kicking Bush to the curb.

“We have to suck it up even if it means we can never break the two party death grip on our system,” said Green Harriet Hershey.

“One big difference this time. People are dying in war, Bush has to go,” said Murray Byrdhopper, independent.

“Where does he get off thinking we need more than two parties in this system. It's simple. Democrats good. Republicans bad,” said Phinus Lindenmeyer, democrat.

As Weisen watched Nader on Meet the Press, he sighed, and wondered if there would even be a time when Americans could vote for the best candidate without having to worry about some asshole slipping in through the back door.

“I hate myself for it…but I hate Bush worse,” he said.

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