Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search


Skull & Bones Members Face Off For White House

Skull & Bones members face off for White House

Elite secret society produces world leaders and weird-ass rituals.
Satire from…

Caption: George Bush and John Kerry outside the Skull & Bones crypt, circa 1966. Shortly after this photo was taken, the two engaged in nude mud wrestling and drank from the skull of Geranomo.

Room 322 -- John F. Kerry, 21, wore ceremonial robes, white make-up and was stretched inside a velvet coffin in the inner-sanctum of the Skull & Bones Crypt, the first time that he met George W. Bush.

Forbes as he was known throughout the hallowed halls of Yale University was lying in the coffin and unveiling his deepest sexual secrets to a half-dozen bored Skull & Bones members.

It was a Skull & Bones tradition that dated back to the early 1880's when future obese president William Howard Taft had gotten stuck inside the coffin after admitting that he wanted to copulate with a wildebeest.

“If I could make a female version of myself and sleep with it, I would,” Kerry said in his monotone voice.

“That would be one ugly ass woman,” cracked Lionel Dupree, the millionaire heir of a famous shipping company.

Kerry smiled, his face-paint breaking. He was well liked, a leader on the debate team and president of the Yale democrats. He had breezed right into the Skull & Bones, the most elite organization on campus, which was comprised of Mayflower families and the male children of white gazillionaires.

There were a lot of rumors about the Skull & Bones, that they worshipped Beelzebub, that they had communal circle jerks and that they groomed each other to keep a tight-fisted hand on their hereditary wealth.

“Two out of three isn't bad,” Kerry thought.

At that moment the doors to the inner sanctum exploded open and U.S. Rep George Bush came in shoving his son Junior ahead of him.

“Read my lips, pansy boy,” Bush said pulling his son's jug-handled ears. “I don't care if you give a damn or not. You're going to be a Skull & Bones, like your old man and Grandpa Prescott.”

Skull & Bones members had been expecting the arrival of Junior, he came from one of 12 families vetted into the society no matter how unqualified they were.

He had been arrested a couple of times for drunk and disorderly behavior, was a male cheerleader and had gained a reputation as a partier.

Kerry sat up in his coffin to find out what was happening.

When Dubbya saw Kerry come out of the coffin, black robes swirling and white make-up covering his elongated face, he shrieked.

“Daddy, it's the boogerman,” Bush screamed, running into a wall and knocking himself unconscious.

That auspicious incident marked the beginning of George W. Bush's tenure at the Skull & Bones crypt.

Much to Kerry's chagrin, Junior quickly became the clown-prince of the group.

Three months after Bush had joined the organization, the Skull & Bones club went bankrupt and had to purchase beer on credit cards..due to the copious amounts that Dubbya drank.

“I'll cut this debt in half by the time I graduate,” Bush said smirking. “I promise.”

Not long after, as members drank from the skull of Geronimo, Bush suggested the group do a preemptive panty strike on the Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority.

“I've heard they have hooked bras that can be taken off in 45 seconds,” Bush said. “We can sit here or we can preemptively steal some panties.”

Skull & Bone members voted and although there was an outspoken anti-panty contingency, even John Kerry voted for the panty-raid resolution in the end.

“I was tricked,” Kerry, said after Bush and other members got caught fleeing the sorority. “There's no way I'm voting for funding to replace the panties that we took.”

The highlight of the year was the Backus celebration when Skull & Bones members dressed as the devil, the pope and others creepy characters.

While they prepared for the naked mud-wrestling event that would take place afterwards, the group chanted:

“The Hangman equals death! The Devil equals death! Death equals death!”

Bush brought down the room by making a gigantic farting noise with his hands.

Kerry drank his fourth beer and stewed in his juices annoyed by Bush.

In his mind he imagined himself as the president making plans that would affect the course of every American…even that ignoramus Bush.

“And the best part,” he thought. “Is I'll never see this clod again after I graduate.”

Contact to receive the weekly email edition of FreePressed.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>



Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>


Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>


Get More From Scoop

Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news