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Skull & Bones Members Face Off For White House

Skull & Bones members face off for White House


Elite secret society produces world leaders and weird-ass rituals.
Satire from… freepressed.com


Caption: George Bush and John Kerry outside the Skull & Bones crypt, circa 1966. Shortly after this photo was taken, the two engaged in nude mud wrestling and drank from the skull of Geranomo.

Room 322 -- John F. Kerry, 21, wore ceremonial robes, white make-up and was stretched inside a velvet coffin in the inner-sanctum of the Skull & Bones Crypt, the first time that he met George W. Bush.

Forbes as he was known throughout the hallowed halls of Yale University was lying in the coffin and unveiling his deepest sexual secrets to a half-dozen bored Skull & Bones members.

It was a Skull & Bones tradition that dated back to the early 1880's when future obese president William Howard Taft had gotten stuck inside the coffin after admitting that he wanted to copulate with a wildebeest.

“If I could make a female version of myself and sleep with it, I would,” Kerry said in his monotone voice.

“That would be one ugly ass woman,” cracked Lionel Dupree, the millionaire heir of a famous shipping company.

Kerry smiled, his face-paint breaking. He was well liked, a leader on the debate team and president of the Yale democrats. He had breezed right into the Skull & Bones, the most elite organization on campus, which was comprised of Mayflower families and the male children of white gazillionaires.

There were a lot of rumors about the Skull & Bones, that they worshipped Beelzebub, that they had communal circle jerks and that they groomed each other to keep a tight-fisted hand on their hereditary wealth.

“Two out of three isn't bad,” Kerry thought.

At that moment the doors to the inner sanctum exploded open and U.S. Rep George Bush came in shoving his son Junior ahead of him.

“Read my lips, pansy boy,” Bush said pulling his son's jug-handled ears. “I don't care if you give a damn or not. You're going to be a Skull & Bones, like your old man and Grandpa Prescott.”

Skull & Bones members had been expecting the arrival of Junior, he came from one of 12 families vetted into the society no matter how unqualified they were.

He had been arrested a couple of times for drunk and disorderly behavior, was a male cheerleader and had gained a reputation as a partier.

Kerry sat up in his coffin to find out what was happening.

When Dubbya saw Kerry come out of the coffin, black robes swirling and white make-up covering his elongated face, he shrieked.

“Daddy, it's the boogerman,” Bush screamed, running into a wall and knocking himself unconscious.

That auspicious incident marked the beginning of George W. Bush's tenure at the Skull & Bones crypt.

Much to Kerry's chagrin, Junior quickly became the clown-prince of the group.

Three months after Bush had joined the organization, the Skull & Bones club went bankrupt and had to purchase beer on credit cards..due to the copious amounts that Dubbya drank.

“I'll cut this debt in half by the time I graduate,” Bush said smirking. “I promise.”

Not long after, as members drank from the skull of Geronimo, Bush suggested the group do a preemptive panty strike on the Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority.

“I've heard they have hooked bras that can be taken off in 45 seconds,” Bush said. “We can sit here or we can preemptively steal some panties.”

Skull & Bone members voted and although there was an outspoken anti-panty contingency, even John Kerry voted for the panty-raid resolution in the end.

“I was tricked,” Kerry, said after Bush and other members got caught fleeing the sorority. “There's no way I'm voting for funding to replace the panties that we took.”

The highlight of the year was the Backus celebration when Skull & Bones members dressed as the devil, the pope and others creepy characters.

While they prepared for the naked mud-wrestling event that would take place afterwards, the group chanted:

“The Hangman equals death! The Devil equals death! Death equals death!”

Bush brought down the room by making a gigantic farting noise with his hands.

Kerry drank his fourth beer and stewed in his juices annoyed by Bush.

In his mind he imagined himself as the president making plans that would affect the course of every American…even that ignoramus Bush.

“And the best part,” he thought. “Is I'll never see this clod again after I graduate.”

Contact freepressed@brentflynn.com to receive the weekly email edition of FreePressed.

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