White House Faces Off Challenges From Scientists

Dark Ages II-- President Bush told reporters Saturday that as sure as the sun circles the flat earth, his administration is committed to pseudo-science.

Citing recent discoveries in intelligent design research, astrology, and faith-based economics, the president discounted a recent report by Nobel Prize and National Science Award winning scientists accusing the administration of politicizing scientific data.

"If it ain't in the good book then I don't believe in it," our luddite-in-chief declared.

The report by the Union of Concerned Scientists lambasted the administration for suppressing research on global warming, air quality, sexual health, cancer and other issues.

The group alleged that there had been a wide-ranging effort by the Bush administration to manipulate the government's supposedly independent scientific advisory system "to prevent the appearance of advice that might run counter to the administration's political agenda."

Bush, just back from a blood letting and fund-raiser, added to his earlier statement.

"If it ain't in the good book or Karl Rove's political playbook we discredit it."

He went on to say that distractions like the one being created by the group of concerned scientists about global warming are keeping his administration from the serious work at hand.

"For instance, right now we're in the process of reinventing the wheel," he said. "We're not convinced that a round shape is the best design. Sure it's been in use for thousands of years and is the generally accepted method of rolling. But we felt additional research was necessary."

In the area of abstinence-only education, public health groups have long complained that the White House's insistence that teenagers simply "take a cold shower" when sinful urges surface is woefully inadequate to combat teen pregnancy in America.

"The administration's stance seems to be that if teenagers would just stop having sex, the problem of teen pregnancy would disappear," said Lynn Portier, a sexual therapist in New York. "That's a big IF."

The president defended his abstinence-only programs as empowering young people to make the right decisions.

"It's not as if we're sending our young people out into our sick, perverted and oversexualized world without any protection," he said. "But instead of passing out condoms, we give teenage girls a penny to keep between their knees. As long as the penny is in place they will be successful in frustrating teenage boys across America."

Bush did not respond to allegations from scientists that his administration removed a CDC fact sheet on condom use as well as a report showing that abstinence-only education programs may not actually prevent pregnancies.

Nor did he address the outrage of New Yorkers who were told that the air around the World Trade Center was safe to breathe after the collapse of the twin towers on 9/11.

When asked why an EPA report showing high levels of asbestos in the air in Manhattan's financial district was purged of that information, the president attacked the "scientists'" credibility.

"What do they know. What kind of 'scientists' are these guys, anyhow? I bet not one of 'em has an MBA."

A White House team of pseudo-scientists are expected to release a report in the next few months showing a link between voting Democratic and herpes.

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