Satire: Bush A Uniter, Not A Divider.. .In Iraq

United Iraq-- Within just a year of invading and occupying Iraq, President Bush has succeeded in a task most experts thought impossible, uniting the Sunni and Shia sects of Islam, bringing an end to 1,400 years of sectarian war.

The president took the unusual step of calling a press conference to announce this major achievement of his Iraq policy.

"See, I told you I was a uniter, not a divider," he chided the White House press corps. "I think all of those naysayers and ne'er-do-wells that said I was 'divisive' and a 'dickhead' ought to take a look at what's going on in Fallujah right now."

His reference to the bastion of Sunni resistance was an obvious attempt to highlight recent reports of increased cooperation between two centuries-old enemies in the Middle East. Both religious sects claim to follow the true disciple of Mohammad and have been in a state of conflict since the death of Islam's most holy prophet in the 6th century A.D.

Bush said all of that has changed now that the two groups are united by their hatred of the United States' occupation of their country.

Conservative blowhards took to the airwaves immediately to tout the administration's diplomatic accomplishment and heap praise on the Republican figure head.

"I think this is just a natural outcome of the president's confrontational leadership style and disdain for diplomacy," Brit Hume of FOX News bellowed. "I bet all those blame-America firsters out there are eating their words right now."

However, some members of the international press doubted whether this new development was entirely a good thing.

"With all due respect Mr. President, the only reason the Sunnis and Shiites have put aside their differences is to fight against coalition forces led by the United States." commented Ian Sherwood of the BBC. "How can you claim this as a victory and doesn't the 'dickhead' title still hold true, at least as far as the Iraqi resistance is concerned?"

Bush deflected the criticism by calling the journalist's credibility into question and recalling the reporter's past contradictory positions on the issue.

"Let's not forget that Ian is a major league flip-flopper and has written extensively about the danger of Iraq descending into a civil war. I mean, you can't have it both ways," Bush snickered. "Either you want a civil war or you want Iraqis coming together in a spirit of reconciliation and healing to kill Americans soldiers."

The president went on to explain that the next step will be to open a third front against the Kurds in an effort to push them into an alliance with the Sunnis and Shiites.
"Then the whole country will be living in harmony at war against America! You have to remember that what we're trying to create in Iraq is a model for other countries in the Middle East to follow."

Back in the states, Bush's ideologically driven right-wing agenda has even more sharply divided Republicans and Democrats, a notable accomplishment in its own rite.

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