Hope, Help Detained Reentering United States
Hope, Help detained reentering United States
Optimists caught in dragnet following latest terror warnings
Satire from... Freepressed.com
CAPTION: Hope was last seen talking to a guard near the U.S.-Canadian border.
Camp X-Ray --Despite presidential candidate John Kerry and vice presidential candidate John Edwards' promises that Hope and Help are on the way, both were stopped by U.S. Customs officials Sunday night at the Canadian border and taken into custody.
From there they were flown via military transport to Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where they are being interrogated and tortured in accordance with the spirit of the Geneva Conventions.
The two are being treated as enemy combatants and have been denied access to an attorney. Homeland Security director Tom Ridge explained how the suspected optimists were identified and apprehended.
"It was quite a coincidence actually. When we were tipped off by Kerry and Edwards that Hope and Help were headed back across the U.S. border, the suspects' names were added to the terror watch list at the behest of an unnamed, high-level Justice Department official," Ridge said. "When Ashcr...the unnamed official heard that they were in cahoots with the Kerry campaign he gave us the green light to raise the terror alert level, round them up and hog tie 'em. Then he started into a spirited rendition of 'Let the Eagle Soar.'"
Hope and Help had been making their way back to the American Psyche following a three and a half year absence prompted by the Supreme Court's decision to stop the recount in Florida and install George W. Bush in the White House.
Lengthening their stay in Canada was the complete circumvention of the democratic process in the run-up to the war in Iraq.
Kerry and Edwards beckoned the rhetorical devices to return in their speeches at the Democratic National Convention in Boston last week and they were on the last leg of their journey home before being detained.
Analysts predict that it will take nothing short of a changing of the guard in the White House to win their release.
"If the Bush administration has its way, Hope and Help will never see the light of day again," lamented NPR's Juan Williams.
John Kerry said the only thing that can bring them back is your vote.
"Help needs your support and Hope¹s future is dim without your best wishes and fervent desire for a better tomorrow."