Freepressed Satire: The One That Got Away?
The One That Got Away?
The Democrats are kicking themselves for letting the GOP steal the life of their party, Sen. Zell Miller.
CAPTION: Georgia Sen. Zell Miller struck the perfect balance between raving lunacy and venom-filled r age at the Republican National Convention in NYC.
New York City --Democrats are wondering how they could have gotten it so wrong, driving away a senator who so perfectly represents the values of the Democratic party.
Following Zell Millers' Alzheimer's-induced rant, Terry McAuliffe is thinking of strategies, anything, to win back the "Democrat" from Georgia.
"What can you say about Zell. He really is the soul of the party," the DNC chairman explained. "The cynical, decrepit, black soul of the party. On second thought, they can keep him."
Others wonder if there is anything the Democrats can do short of declaring martial law and upping his medication to bring the cultural conservative back into the fold.
Miller has been a proponent of ending the practice of electing U.S. Senators and instead giving state governors the authority to appoint members of Congress.
"And while we're at it let's just get rid of that troublesome Constitution," Sen. Joe Biden offered. "How about a life-time supply of Depends thrown in for good measure? If we can't lure him back with diapers I don't know what else to do."
However, Republican and Undecided voters couldn't get enough of Miller's negative attacks on his "own" party.
Sean Hannity pointed to Miller's criticisms of the Democratic Party as proof that it has veered off the path of mainstream America.
"Zell's endorsement of George W. Bush for president is just one more example of how out of touch the Democratic Party is with the senile-old-coot demographic," Hannity explained. "If the Democrats don't start wooing the mean and mindless over 70 block of voters, they're finished."
Eight-year-old Katie Eubanks happened into the living room during Miller's speech before screaming and hiding under her bed.
"Mommy, mommy, are all evil zombie-men voting for George Bush?" she asked. "I'm scared."
Miller said his speech at the Republican convention should have been a wake-up call to the Democrats.
"I wish I could have been at the DNC headquarters so I could get up in their faces," he said. "I challenge any one of those lilly-livered peaceniks to a dual. Ah hell. I'm getting so worked up I just soiled myself."