Satire: Leaked White House Transcript
SATIRE: 'Damn! That's sure bad luck for John Kerry!' Leaked White House Transcript September 13, 2004
By Lee Waters
PRESIDENT BUSH: Hey hey hey!!! How about that wimp John Kerry. Are these guys pushovers or what?
KARL ROVE: No time to get cocky, George. We've still got six weeks to go.
PRESIDENT BUSH: What is that? Twenty-two days? We can handle it.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Hell, that'll fly by. These guys are even bigger whiners than we thought. It's almost embarrassing. Ha ha ha.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Why don't we just have the son-of-a-bitch rubbed out. He's still taller than you.
KARL ROVE: Telling that talk show host on national television that the war on terrorism can't be won was not part of the script, George. You have to be more careful.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Yeah, maybe you should stop campaigning with Jack Daniels.
PRESIDENT BUSH: You can go smooch Saddam again, Don.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Hell, Karl, these Democrats are so spineless George could do another reading of "My Pet Goat" on 60 Minutes and it won't matter. They didn't even pick up on what he said.
SECRETARY RIDGE: I believe John Kerry was out windsurfing that day. We had submarine surveillance on him.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: The only Democrat with any cojones is Zell Miller.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Cojones.That's Spanish for having a southern Democrat with his nose up my....
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Praise Jesus, Senator Miller has seen the light, and will be rewarded in the hereafter.
KARL ROVE: Not to mention the Enron millions already in his Swiss bank account.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: When are we gonna stop pumping money into these damn Democrats. First it's the Democratic Leadership Council. Now it's Zell Miller.
KARL ROVE: You'll notice, Don, that the current Kerry campaign team is as effective as a wet noodle. Key players in his inner circle are on our payroll. George has plenty of vulnerabilities. But our operatives inside the Kerry team can undermine those idiot Democrats at every turn. So once again, they'll just twist in the wind.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: It's hilarious. They spend four years screaming at Ralph Nader. But they can't raise a peep against George.
SECRETARY RIDGE: We have noticed some of those Kerry advisors buying large quantities of quaaludes and horse tranquilizers.
KARL ROVE: They slip them into Kerry's drinks before he speaks. It's amazing he can stay awake. Certainly the people listening to him can't.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I remember quaaludes from the Guard. They were great chasers for nose candy. They make you feel like you've lived all your life in Columbus, Ohio.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: That'll come in handy during the debates. If we let them happen. Which I doubt.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well how about those damn demonstrators at our convention. Why didn't we slip THEM some downers.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: I don't know why we let those protestors live. Goddam waste of a great target opportunity.
KARL ROVE: Well, they did cut off our Sunday coverage.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: That Mayor Blumstein should've let them onto Central Park. Half-million hippies nicely grouped. One clean aerial drop and POOF, no more peace movement.
KARL ROVE: It would've blown our coverage for the week, Don. We got their names. We got their pictures. After November we fill a lot of Guantanamos.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Marching against the Republican Party is an act of terrorism.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: So is this crap about George not going to Vietnam. We need to have anybody that says that seriously Abu Ghraibed.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, nobody seems to remember me from the Guard. Of course, I can't remember any of them either. At least not the guys.
KARL ROVE: We found your dentist from back then, George. He's filling a lot of flounder teeth.
SECRETARY POWELL: You must be the only guy from the Vietnam era that wears his medals in his mouth. Which filling denotes those combat missions you flew on coke?
PRESIDENT BUSH: You can go now, Colin.
KARL ROVE: Not yet, George. We need him until the day after the election.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Hell, Karl, you said we were eliminating the black voters this time.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Yeah. Both of them.
KARL ROVE: The no-votes-for felons law, the rigged computer voting machines and the state police are all set to go at those people, especially in Florida. But we're not taking any chances. Colin stays 'til the day after we need him. Right Colin.
SECRETARY POWELL: Not one thing those swift boat guys said was true. Have you no shame?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: What? My Lai? Ha ha ha.
PRESIDENT BUSH: How about those daughters of mine at the convention? Weren't they a knockout? Sewed the youth vote right up.
ALL: Long silence.
KARL ROVE: We have big plans for those girls in the campaign, George. We're sending them to Ireland to promote Irish-American turnout.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: That'll work. What's the drinking age over there? Twelve?
PRESIDENT BUSH: I've been in combat and I've raised twins, and raising twins is tougher.
SECRETARY POWELL: Especially if you haven't actually been in combat.
KARL ROVE: Nobody cares, Colin. The idiot Democrats blow their whole convention trying to make Kerry a war hero. Then one attack ad from your swiftie friends and they all turn to shit. That's what I call real fun.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Senator Kerry has made rumblings about our denying blacks the right to vote. It's how we won last time. If it becomes an issue....
KARL ROVE: This time, we care even less.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Jeb is prepared to knock off another two or three hundred thousand black voters just in Florida.
KARL ROVE: In 2000 we shredded about 1.5 million black votes nationwide. We figure we actually lost the election by about 2.1 million, not counting Nader. Nader's vote will be down this time, but we'll still lose by about 2 million if you count the black and Hispanics.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Who gave those people the right to vote in the first place?
SECRETARY POWELL: Excuse me?
KARL ROVE: This time, we can lose by five million votes and it won't matter. All we need is our friendly pollsters to show we're winning going into election day. We've eliminated exit polling. The voting machines are rigged in all the swing states. So when our governors and our media say George has won, who's gonna question it?
SECRETARY RIDGE: We have the voting machine codes coordinated with Diebold, Sequoia and the others. I have just a few keystrokes to make at Homeland Security and the election is over. I could do it right now if you like.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Jeb says he won't allow any recounts. Mom's making him again.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: And then it's over in Florida. It's over in Ohio. It's over in Wisconsin. It's over in Missouri. It's just plain over. Ha ha ha.
KARL ROVE: Jimmy Carter and all those goody-goodies can watch the polls all they want. We'll distract them with funky ballots and arresting black organizers and all that. But the vote count has already been made.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Why bother with all this. Arrest the bastards. Abu Ghraib the sons of bitches.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: That comes in January or February, Don. There'll be a fire at the Reichsta....er, I mean, the Senate. Under the Patriot Act we can arrest the liberal Senators and Congressmen. And we will. And then we begin filling the camps.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: And then comes the Kingdom of Heaven. Praise Jesus. Armageddon is near.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Do they have good blow in Heaven?
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: No, but they have that seventy virgin thing. Saddam told me.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Clinton got em all, Don. That's why his heart went out. Ha ha ha.
KARL ROVE: Now he can't campaign. Damn! What bad luck for John Kerry!!
ALL: Loud, prolonged laughter.
LEAKED SECRET TRANSCRIPTS FROM BUSH'S OVAL OFFICE, 2002-2004 is a satire by Lee Waters. It is available in full at www.freepress.org.