The Dog Skin Report: It's The Bourbon, Stupid!

As Dogskinreporters know, I draw material from an eclectic hodgepodge of locales. My waterfront includes writers on the fringe, writers on the fringe of the fringe, and even a few lost souls who have dropped completely off the edge.

Below an example of the latter, a missive from a deep-cover mole who has emerged from the subterranean world just long enough to lob this bone our way. There is much here to gnaw on. Enjoy!

Top Dog,

As the two most brilliant minds on the Left Coast, we have inadvertently combined to blow the whole 2004 Great Election Conspiracy wide open for all to see. What a dramatic happening! Who would have suspected that it was a stealth conspiracy covered up by the (fake) GOP conspiracy that we all just knew was there.

The key was the Morford (aka Mordred?) piece you sent, Down With Fancy Book Learnin’. I found it hidden in his omissions. When you see it, it becomes obvious and has been there all the time.

Let’s play back some of Morford’s lists — liberals, lesbians, tofu eaters, tree-huggers, book readers, college graduates, etc. etc. But what is missing? The key to the Conspiracy is what is missing from the list. Morford intentionally omitted it as he knew of the real Conspiracy and thus must be one of the Conspirators! LATTE SIPPERS! Do you see it? LATTE SIPPERS! Any writer making a list like the above would have included Latte Sippers in a prominent position early on in the list.

Those “sparkles on a heifer like nails in the great Conservative SUV” are not just educated people, or gays or lesbians or tree huggers or tofu eaters or colleges towns, they are great concentrations of Starbucks Coffee Shops! My God, do you see it now? It’s the last gasp of the Great Communist Conspiracy!

Starbucks and those godless commie pinkos, who would have thought? Wow! To figure out the details of this heinous conspiracy, I delved into the archives of Sudoplatov‘s Special Tasks Group and found it buried deep down in the files. Guess what, it’s Distilled Essence of Fresh Yak Shit. Yep, those huge Yak farms that George Soros owns in Nepal are solely to produce Distilled Essence of Fresh Yak Shit. Amazing, diabolical, and obvious once you see it.

It seems that Sudoplatov’s team found that Distilled Essence of Fresh Yak Shit, when applied daily with a lot of caffeine can actually rot the moral fiber of of good meat eating, tree felling, asphalt spreading, wife beating, gay bashing, God fearing, real Americans. How George Soros got the Great Communist Conspiracy together with Starbucks we will probably never know, but I bet it would make a fascinating story.

The plan started a year before the Gore-Bush election and fell just a little short. It seems that there were just not enough Starbucks drinkers in Florida. They redoubled their efforts for the Bush-Kerry election who every Right Thinking American knew would go to Bush at least 60–40 if not 70–30. The effort was two pronged; they abandoned Florida, as you can’t change the coffee drinking habits of retired folks very easily, and focussed on the industrial states where Starbucks was growing rapidly. And.... they doubled the dose of Distilled Essence of Fresh Yak Shit.

What went wrong? Bourbon! Bourbon? Yes, Bourbon! Those Godless Commies never discovered that this Great Elixir of the New World is a potent antidote for Distilled Essence of Fresh Yak Shit. They should have caught on earlier when Gore lost both Kentucky and his home state of Tennessee. What beat them this time was the great increase in the revelry of church going, wife beating, tree felling, liberal baiting, and gay bashing emboldened by the first Bush victory, and which is always accompanied by bourbon swilling.

All that is left now for those godless commies is to keep the Conspiracy a secret, and plan for the next election. Misdirection is the key to secrecy and already we see the pinkos accusing the noble GOP of a conspiracy at the ballot box. Clever, but it will do little more than just suffice.

How do we protect ourselves from this Great Conspiracy in the future? Our election Slogan for 2008 must be:

Your friend,
Parisian Hooker

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