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Spread Of Freedom Delicious On Bagels, Crackers

The Spread Of Freedom Also Delicious On Bagels, Crackers

White House launches new advertising campaign to end the soft tyranny of bland baked goods.

CAPTION: Spreading Freedom is the aim of the latest marketing campaign from the White House

Dairy Section -- With half the calories, and all the creamy goodness of the tyrannical leading brand, Freedom Spread cream cheese is sure to become a beacon of hope for fledgling breakfast tables everywhere.

White House spokesman Andrew Card told reporters that the timing for this ad campaign is perfect.

"From a marketing standpoint, January is a great time to market a new product, especially with the opportunity the inauguration provides for free advertising."

This is not the first time the Bush administration has managed a high-profile ad campaign. The Government Accounting Office has accused the White House of illegally using tax payer money to produce fake "news" segments lauding the benefits of the Medicare prescription drug plan. And recently it was revealed that Armstrong Williams was paid $240,000 to plug the controversial No Child Left Behind education bill.

So it's no surprise that President Bush has become the official spokesperson of the liberating snack spread. Still, political commentators were quick to notice that he laid it on thick during his inaugural speech, mentioning the product 27 times in 17 minutes--even plugging Freedom Spread before the event.

"Because I've seen Freedom work right here in our own country. I also have this belief, strong belief that Freedom is not this country's gift to the world. Freedom is the Almighty's gift to every man and woman in this world," he told reporters in a pre-inaugural press briefing. "And as the greatest power on the face of the earth, we have an obligation to help the Spread of Freedom."

There are some skeptics, however. His remarks have prompted speculation among some experts that the United States is embarking on a campaign to spread cream cheese to every corner of the earth by force--an endeavor the President seems to support.

"It sounds delicious, but is it feasible?" pondered Fareed Zakaria. "And can we expect the Arab street to eat it?"

President Bush was undaunted.

"It's easy. I like to spread my Freedom on toast with grape jelly on top," he insisted. "And if they don't like the taste of sweet Freedom, I'll come over there and cram it down their throats!"


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