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Watching The Buggers (Part 12 Of 12)

Watching The Buggers (Part 12 Of 12)

by Tim Barcode

A play about the 2004 investigation into allegations of bugging the Maori Party.

This play is being serialised in 12 parts on Scoop. See CLICK HERE for links to all parts of the serial published so far.

Anyone wanting to perform it simply has to ask the writers permission and donate a tenth of the profits of any performances to the Ahmed Zaoui Support Fund

Westpac Queen Street, Auckland,
Account Number: 03 0296 0076601 00
Account Name: Zaoui Support Fund.


  • Coates - a spy? - 30s

  • Paul –waiter? - 60s

  • Forbes – a spy? – 40s

  • Jane – a public servant employed by the Department of Conservation? 30ish.

  • Madonna – front counter worker at Gibson’s Drycleaners in Levin! – 19?

  • Paul – an Inspector General and retired High Court Judge? – 60s
  • The story so far…
    Gordon Coates, the SIS officer who apparently authorises interception warrants has been summoned by the Inspector-General of the SIS to answer questions on the bugging of leaders of the Maori Party.
    It now transpires that there is no Gordon Coates and his real identity is about to be revealed.
    George Forbes aka Richard Wood SIS Director and Paul Neazor, the SIS Inspector-General and owner of the Levin Drycleaners, are about to unmask Coates.
    There is no sign yet in Levin of the DoC worker Jane who took a strong liking to Coates in the Masterton train shelter.


    Forbes: . . . . There are no ex Prime Ministers working for the SIS

    Coates: . . . . Let go.
    Paul looks at wallet.

    Forbes: . . . . Who is he?

    Paul: . . . . As I thought – he has a forged ID but his real card shows us we have here an enemy of freedom.

    Forbes: . . . . A foreign agent?

    Paul: . . . . New Zealand Herald.

    Forbes: . . . . It’s all right; they’re already bugged.

    Paul: . . . . How did he get my summons?

    Forbes: . . . . It’s a trap. We knew your request had come through and one of my agents sent it to a suspected mole, who passed it on. That’s when I decided to go to the Huka Falls to investigate.

    Paul: . . . . Well done.
    Coates moves back and sits down.

    Coates: . . . . If you weren’t so secret and let us know what you’re doing, we wouldn’t need to go undercover.

    Paul: . . . . That sort of defeats the purpose – don’t you think?

    Coates: . . . . You mean you can’t be secret and do your work?

    Paul: . . . . No spying is deadly boring and the only thing that makes it exciting is the idea we might know something other people don’t.

    Forbes: . . . . Yes the only job satisfaction is being secretive. Right what now?
    Jane enters from the back room wearing black police overalls and carrying a machine gun.

    Jane: . . . . All right – no one move.

    Coates: . . . . Jane!

    Jane: . . . . That’s right me.

    Paul: . . . . Who are you?

    Forbes: . . . . Yes; who are you?

    Jane: . . . . Can’t say, but I’m with the Special Tactics Group.

    Coates: . . . . Who?

    Forbes: . . . . The Police anti terrorist and anti spy squad.

    Coates: . . . . So you don’t work for DoC?

    Jane: . . . . People don’t work for DoC - they work for environment groups while being based at DoC. No I’m STG.

    Forbes: . . . . Thanks officer, but It’s all right I have everything here under control.

    Jane: . . . . Well that would be all right if you were Richard Wood and not from the Sunday Star Times.

    Forbes: . . . . Ah.

    Paul: . . . . Well leave it to me …

    Jane: . . . . Well sorry Sir Paul but ….

    Paul: . . . . Yes?
    Jane reaches into Paul’s jacket and pulls out a microphone.
    . . . . Ah.
    Jane : . . . . You’re not Paul Neazor at all are you?

    Paul: . . . . No. No, I’m from TV3.

    Forbes: . . . . (to Paul) So do you know whether there were any bugs issued against the Maori Party?

    Paul: . . . . Only from what I read in the Herald.

    Forbes: . . . . (to Coates) You’re from the Herald - do you know?

    Coates: . . . . We use Anita’s psychic line.

    Forbes: . . . . We’ll never know.

    Jane: . . . . The real Inspector-General may get to the bottom of it.

    Paul: . . . . But we’ll never find out.

    Jane: . . . . Yep.

    Forbes: . . . . How do we know that the powers aren’t being abused?

    Jane: . . . . There are checks and balances.

    Paul: . . . . How do we know they’re working?

    Jane: . . . . You don’t. Neither does the Maori Party – that’s how it works. Right now I’m shutting this media sting down.

    Coates: . . . . Are we in trouble?

    Jane: . . . . They aren’t. (to Paul and Forbes) You two can go. OUT!
    Forbes and Paul make their way to the door.

    Forbes: . . . . We could do a story on this!

    Jane: . . . . You do and I’ll have you inside for impersonating an SIS officer before you can say Ahmed Zaoui.

    Forbes: . . . . At least we’re trying.

    Paul: . . . . We’ll be off then.

    Jane: . . . . But you…

    Coates: . . . . Me?
    Jane gets out some handcuffs and cuffs him.

    Jane: . . . . Yes.

    Coates: . . . . Why are you doing this?

    Jane: . . . . Let’s just say you never gave me your phone number earlier and I need to do some in-depth interceptions on your person.

    Coates: . . . . Help.

    Jane: . . . . And we’re going to go undercover together in Masterton.

    Coates: . . . . Why me?
    Sound of a helicopter getting closer.

    Jane: . . . . You’re single, you’re cute and I like a good bugger. Grrrr.
    Sound of helicopter landing nearby. Jane drags Coates off with her.



    See for links to all parts of the serial published so far.

    © Scoop Media

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