Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search


Lyndon Hood: Finance Briefs

Finance Briefs

Satire From Lyndon Hood

Brash Tax Cut Visible From Space

On Tuesday afternoon, New Zealand time, National's proposed Tax Cut was observed from the International Space Station, with the unaided human eye.

Glancing down at the wonderous splendour of planet Earth, Flight Engineer and John Phillips remarked:

"Hey, what's that huge thing in the South Pacific? Is that a proposed tax cut? I think it is!"

The Space Station is orbiting approximately 350km above the Earth's surface.

Many suspect that the Tax Cut has grown to such enormous size by secretly devouring the money required to pay for other National commitments in the areas of law and order, transport, aged care, work for the dole, compulsory bulk funding and the abolition of parole.

The Tax Cut is also believed to have devoured every other election issue. If any issues have escaped the Tax Cut's voracious maw, they are either hiding or sleeping. Sleeper issues are expected to re- emerge in the last fortnight of campaigning.

If elected, a National government will release this gargantuan policy into the economy. Once there, they will feed it waste for the rest of its life.


Size Not Everything: Cullen

Responding to boasts about the scale of National's tax cuts, Finance Minister Michael Cullen today asserted that size is not all that matters.

"It's not that we are ashamed of the size of our own package," explained Dr Cullen, "we simply think it should be targeted where it will do New Zealanders the most good. National are certainly not putting their tax cuts where they will help people starting a family."

"We also seriously doubt National can sustain their proposals through the ups and downs of the economic cycle."

While admitting that tax cuts were important, Dr Cullen also emphasised that this is not all New Zealand cares about.

"New Zealand wants someone to nurture it, so it knows that it is cared for. You don't have to come ploughing in with your enormous tax cuts to make the country happy," he said.

The Government has expert advice that the economy is not currently ready to receive such a large-scale stimulus without damaging consequences. Dr Cullen believes his own tax relief plan is small enough that it will hardly cause any disturbance.

"If proper precautions are not taken, there is also a serious risk of unplanned inflation," he added, "I don't think New Zealand wants that, and I really don't believe that National is ready to take responsibility for it."


Matron Wants to Know Which Party John Key is Leader of.

Having been alienated by Helen Clark's aggressive debate performance and suspicious of a hidden agenda from Don Brash, Mrs Natalie Stoke of the Belle Vue retirement home has decided to vote for towheaded ragamuffin John Key as Prime Minister.

"He seems a sensible young man," she observed last night, "And he is a bit of a charmer, isn't he? What party is he the leader of?"

This was the only useful conclusion she was able to draw from an extended television discussion of taxation issues.

"We didn't want to say anything, but we all though it was quite funny," said Ms Annette Tandy, who was present when the comment was made, "I mean, it was such a silly mistake - not supporting Mr Peters!"

Ms Tandy agree that Mr Key must be the leader of some party; possibly the Alliance.


Brash Wows Voters With Hotel-Room Anecdotes

"A lot of people know the story about me and the socks," said National leader Don Brash in a recent Television broadcast, "The cost of having them washed by the hotel would have been a unacceptable burden on the taxpayer. So instead I decided to borrow the money and use the benefit derived from having clean socks to pay the debt and the compounding interest over the life of the sock."

"This is perfectly normal practise," he explained, "and is entirely acceptable provided net debt does not exceed the price of the shirt on your back. As long as I don't have to wash anything else, I'm pretty sure we'll be fine."



© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Werewolf: Living With Rio’s Olympic Ruins

Mariana Cavalcanti Critics of the Olympic project can point a discernible pattern in the delivery of Olympics-related urban interventions: the belated but rushed inaugurations of faulty and/or unfinished infrastructures... More>>

Live Blog On Now: Open Source//Open Society Conference

The second annual Open Source Open Society Conference is a 2 day event taking place on 22-23 August 2016 at Michael Fowler Centre in Wellington… Scoop is hosting a live blog summarising the key points of this exciting conference. More>>



Gordon Campbell: On The Politicising Of The War On Drugs In Sport

It hasn’t been much fun at all to see how “war on drugs in sport” has become a proxy version of the Cold War, fixated on Russia. This weekend’s banning of the Russian long jumper Darya Klishina took that fixation to fresh extremes. More>>


Binoy Kampmark: Kevin Rudd’s Failed UN Secretary General Bid

Few sights are sadder in international diplomacy than seeing an aging figure desperate for honours. In a desperate effort to net them, he scurries around, cultivating, prodding, wishing to be noted. Finally, such an honour is netted, in all likelihood just to shut that overly keen individual up. More>>

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>


Get More From Scoop

Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news