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Doug Giebel: The Book Of Bush Bashlaw

The Book Of Bush Bashlaw

By Doug Giebel

"Lieutenant General Bob Shea of the Joint Chiefs is with us today. As is my friend, Lieutenant General Danny James, who was the Texas Adjutant General when I had the honor of being the Commander-in-Chief of the Texas Guard. [Laughter.] Good to see you, Danny. [Applause.]"
--President Bush addressing the Veterans of Foreign Wars

Yet it came to pass in The Land of Plenty that Evil was everywhere. Sore afraid and trembling, The People went in Great Numbers, therein to cast their lot with The Chosen one: Bush Bashlaw, who alone might protect Them and deliver Them safe from Evil.

And so it followeth that President Bashlaw was sworn to uphold the Constitution With Certain Rare Exceptions. And so it was. Omen and Amen.

Thereupon brave Bashlaw did personally declaim a permanent War upon Evil, telling all The People that Evil would take multitudinous years and a day to erase. Fear and dread upon them, The People rose almost as one to smite the Evil Four-Year-Term, and thus declareth and decreed a covenant of "PPBM," or Permanent Presidency of Bashlaw Magnificent.

Secured and protected, Fear melted by the glorious Sun of Security in the blessed knowledge that Evil was kept at bay, confined beyond The Land of Plenty. And Love and Laughter were upon The Land, and shepherds tended sheep and children peacefully slept, and it was Good.

But Evil stilleth not. It lurked in shadows, revealed in hearts of men, women, children and of many living things. And so it came to pass that a Decree went out to all the Known World, instructing an Age of Watchfulness, wherebyeth each suspicious Evil hint was gathered, dutifully reported and Measures taken to scour all Gross Pollution from Glorious Orb of Earth.

And Bashlaw Magnificent "numbered the people that were with him, and set captains of thousands and captains of hundreds over them." And thus was smote every fenced city and every choice city, felled every good tree, stopped all wells of water wherever might lurk all Evil under the sun.

Yea, verily, some did protesteth much that Law did not permit so stern a course, but Judges spaketh as with one single voice, "Whatsoever Bashlaw may do, so may he do," and so it was done.

And yet the work was hard, that even mighty Bashlaw's heart began to tire, to which The People cried, "Be of good courage and be valiant that we may fear no Evil evermore!" Then each and every citizen did pledge to do whatever was Required. And so it came to pass that seventeen teen-age boys were brought before Bashlaw their testicles to smash, and seventeen teen-age Virgins were brought before Bashlaw and were ordered to undress themselves and lift his weary Spirit.

But those who cowered before the word of law Law and Constitution cryeth, "No! 'Tis not permitted by our Law for seventeen teen-age Virgins to undress thus in the Presidential House."

Thence came to pass that once again the lofty Judges were assembl-ed. And Bashlaw spoke and sayeth, "Wilt thou go with me against these Traitorous few?" Whereupon the robe-ed Judges fell down to the ground and praised the power of Bashlaw, declaring him forever more Omniscience and Omnipotence within the Flesh. And so it was, and so it so became. Whereupon the testicles were smashed.

"Let word go forth through all the Land: I am The Way,"proclaimeth Bashlaw.

And thus it came to pass, the Enemies of Bashlaw were put down, more virgins came in numbers great to give him ease where apples would not comfort him.

And Evil smiled, for none dared ask, "Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?"

And so it had become, and so it was.


Doug Giebel is an analyst and writer in Big Sandy, Montana, U.S.A. He welcomes comment at

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