Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Lyndon Hood: News We Missed Because of the Holiday

News We Missed Because of the Holidays


Satire by Lyndon Hood

Whales May Be Developing Nuclear Weapons: Japan
National Party Press Secretaries Chained to Desks Over Holidays, Writing Press Releases for Food
No Unprecedented Natural Disasters in 2006 So Far
Wayne Mapp Accidentally Eradicates Self
Next Census to Allow Wholly Uninformative Ethnicity Response
Prison Construction Growth Industry of 2006

************

Whales May Be Developing Nuclear Weapons: Japan



Antarctic Circle, Jan 5 - Citing "clear and credible" intelligence, the Japanese Government today announced that the nuclear ambitions of south sea whales may be close to fruition.

"There has been no investigation into the cetacean weapons programme for decades," said a highly-place Japanese source, "The whales' behaviour cannot be dealt with through diplomacy and it is not technically illegal."

"If current sanctions do not deter the whales, we are prepared to deploy our army to the area."

"We will not rule out any means to rid ourselves of this menace," he concluded, "no matter how delicious the result may be."

************

National Party Press Secretaries Chained to Desks Over Holidays, Writing Press Releases for Food

Wellington, Jan 6 - Without even a fire in the grate, the press secretaries of some National Party MPs have been forced to continue producing press releases during the holiday season, while outside their offices children played and everything was brightness and joy.

"Mr Power said we should be grateful for food and board at the taxpayer's expense," read a note thrown from a window of the National Party offices, "I'm not ungrateful, but I would like to see my family".

National MPs currently in Wellington were not available for comment, as they were in extended negotiations with the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future.

The rest of Parliament has closed for two months over summer, due to increased staff costs cased by the Holidays Act.

************

No Unprecedented Natural Disasters in 2006 So Far

New York, Jan 7 - United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan today celebrated this year's seventh consecutive day without a biblical-level event of natural destruction descending on any part of the world.

"Since before Christmas, the earth, sea and sky have not conspired to wipe any part of humanity from the face of the earth. Considering the same period one year ago, it appears that fate is smiling upon us."

Annan noted that people worldwide have continued to precipitate wars, destroy livelihoods and kill or maim each other at the usual rate.

************

Wayne Mapp Accidentally Eradicates Self

Wellington, Jan 10 - Dr Wayne Mapp, the National Party's political correctness watchdog, having vanished late yesterday afternoon, is now missing, presumed eradicated.

The only clue to Dr Mapp's fate is a letter left on the desk of his home office. The correspondent complains of a politician who is trying to interfere in private and community organisations based on his own incoherent agenda.

Dr Mapp appears to have have initialled the letter and stamped it "ERADICATE" in big red letters.

"I guess the poor guy didn't realise it was referring to him," a police spokesperson said, "Now all trace of him is gone from the universe".

Police wish to remind the public of the dangers of subjectively defined, generalised roles and silly job titles in the hands of politicians.

************

Next Census to Allow Wholly Uninformative Ethnicity Response

Wellington, Jan 12 - Statistics New Zealand has cited public pressure and "over-informative" statistical results in its decision to accept "New Zealander" as an ethnicity in the upcoming census.

"The ethnicity question shows how people of various origins and cultures are represented through New Zealand society," said Chief Statistician Brian Pink, "In that context, the response 'New Zealander' is basically meaningless. Unless you assume almost all the people saying that are white, which we won't do any more."

"However, should any future government wish to ignore the existence of brown people, this will make their job that much easier."

As well as geographically-defined ethnicity, other options considered for Census 2006 included reporting your household income as "money" and your current address as "sitting down filling out the census".

************

Prison Construction Growth Industry of 2006

Meremere, Jan 18 - While many believe growth in building costs may be under control, there's one sector that just keeps on booming - prison construction.

"The electorate is hungry to keep more criminals in prison for longer, the system is already bursting at the seams and the numbers will just keep growing. Combine this with a shortage of construction workers, and it adds up to an urgent problem for this government and future governments," said one analyst, "That sounds like a builder's market to me."

Prison construction has been considered "hot" for almost a decade. In 1999 the National government prediced that the cost of Ngawha prison would be approximately $40 million. By 2002 it had broken 100 million and since then it's value has only grown. Investors are particularly excited by the prospect of private/public partnerships under a National government.

"Contractors can name their price," explained prison-construction broker Gordon Gecko from his on-site jacuzzi, "Go into prisons! That's where the money is!"

************

http://fightingtalk.blogpost.com


© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Ramzy Baroud: Gaza’s Resistance Will Not Be Crushed

On the 13th day of Israel’s so-called Operation Protective Edge, stories of entire families collectively pulverized, women and children keenly targeted by Israeli soldiers saturate the media. Until now, 430 Palestinians have been killed, mostly women and ... More>>

ALSO:

Ian Anderson: Rearranging The Deck Chairs On The Titanic? The Labour Party And MANA

Early in July this year, Labour Party leader David Cunliffe made headlines by apologising for being a man. Stoked by capitalist media sensation, Prime Minister John Key responded that “not all men” abuse women. More>>

Shobha Shukla: Break The Silos: Drug Use, HIV, HCV, TB, Laws And Funding

Viet Nam is one of the countries in the world that has made remarkable progress over the last decade in not only making harm reduction and HIV services available and accessible for people who use drugs but also reforming laws for supportive health ... More>>

ALSO:

Fiona Gordon: Illegal Wildlife Trading: The Global Response

At the closing session of the inaugural United Nations Environment Assembly (UNEA) in Nairobi last month, United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said, “We need to act decisively to change humanity’s relationship with our planet.” More>>

Faisal Al-Asaad: Gaza: McCully’s Calls For Restraint On Both Sides Is Side-Taking Itself

Since June 12th, the world’s attention has been squarely focused on the events unfolding in the West Bank, Gaza and the occupied territories. The disappearance of three Israeli youths who were later found dead prompted a flurry of condemnations ... More>>

ALSO:

Tania Billingsley: Demand For Accountability On Sexual Assault

Since my assault I feel that people have been assuming that my idea of justice is to have Rizalman found guilty in a New Zealand court. While it is an important part of justice being done, my main reason for wanting this is not for my own sense of ... More>>

Leslie Bravery: Hold The Perpetrator To Account, Not The Victim!

In a 4 July 2014 statement to Scoop Independent News, on the violent deaths of four young people in the Israeli Occupied West Bank and East Jerusalem, New Zealand's Foreign Minister Murray McCully made the following comments: 'The recent killing ... More>>

ALSO:

Santon Tekege: Investigative Report Into Oil Palm In Nabire Regency, Papua

Several companies’ plans to invest in the oil palm sector in Nabire have met with local opposition. People from the Yerisiam and Wate ethnic groups have staged several peaceful actions in Nabire against one of these companies, PT Nabire Baru1. More>>

ALSO:

Get More From Scoop

 
 
TEDxAuckland
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news