Why I Now Genuflect to Charles Krauthammer
Why I Now Genuflect to Charles Krauthammerby Jason Miller
But when he awoke, he found that he could no longer be certain whether he was a man dreaming he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was a man. ...
An insightful reader recently informed me that "the world will always owe America a huge debt of gratitude for all the good things we have done”. As a vehement critic of many aspects of American society and politics in numerous essays on a variety of topics, I paused when I read that statement. And I contemplated. The longer I considered it, the more confused and ashamed I became. My mind was reeling. Within a period of a few short hours, my emotional condition had declined to a state of morose withdrawal and eventually deteriorated to a paralyzing anxiety with intermittent bursts of debilitating self-loathing. Words have not evolved that could accurately describe my pitiful condition.
Thank God there was a copy of the Kansas City Star near me as my crisis reached its zenith. Plumbing the depths of emotional agony, I sat facing the wall, rocking and banging my head against the textured stucco to punish myself for my acts of betrayal. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a fleeting glimpse of an all too familiar sight. Charles Krauthammer’s tiny black and white photo on the Op/Ed page was giving me his patented sneer, that malevolent half-smile which I had cursed so many times in the past. Yet today he appeared much less derisive. In fact, he had an avuncular appearance as he kindly beckoned me to imbibe the brilliance emanating from his recently penned piece, which was accompanied by his reassuring image on the slightly yellowed newsprint. Drawn in by Krauthammer’s irresistible Siren’s Call, I halted my self-flagellation and devoured his masterful drumbeat for war against Iran in which he proclaimed his unflinching support for the Bush Regime's War on Terror. In that moment, I came to a stunning realization. Charles Krauthammer is a prophet!
Tears streamed down my face as I realized how many filthy distortions I had written about our great nation. How could I ever redeem myself? True American heroes like Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh, and Michelle Malkin courageously risk their lives each day as they deliver the truth about our noble, courageous, and benevolent Homeland. The poor, uneducated masses thirst deeply for enlightenment as they wander in the desert of ignorance in search of the oasis of knowledge tended by these pillars of American society. Savage and his fellow purveyors of truth risk Terrorist attacks with each word they utter or write. Who knows around which corner Osama could be lurking, ready to strike them down with a dash of Anthrax powder to the face or a gash of the carotid with a pair of box cutters. Meanwhile, over the last year, I had written essay after essay in support of silly, idealistic notions like social justice, peace and human rights, even supporting the cause of those evil Palestinians! It takes the breath away. I had been playing right into the hands of the Terrorists. How could I have been so naive? What could I do to make it better?
Desperate, I looked back at the bold countenance of Krauthammer. Through his stern yet conservatively compassionate example, Charles showed me the way. I knew what I had to do. Feeling calm and determined, I began my metamorphosis and flew into action.
Jumping on my computer, I opened a new email and quickly composed a few words. In the subject line, I typed, "America the Beautiful." Opening my address book, I felt a rush of elation as I sent it to virtually all 3,000 of the liberal scourge and repulsive foreigners (associates from what was now a previous life) whose email addresses contaminated my computer. The email read as follows:
"Our intentions are always good. We may kill a few million innocent civilians here and there, but you have to crack some eggs if you want to make an omelette. We Americans are God's gift to humanity and we can do no wrong! It is time that you liberal cockroaches and foreign dogs engage in some serious fear and trembling. Get on your knees and bow before the Almighty USA...."
That felt so good that I posted it on Thomas Paine's Corner, my blog (and direct conduit to the Internet). Almost 150,000 people have visited my humble site since May of last year, and I vowed that future readers would encounter a very different animal. Gone would be the focus on human rights and dignity. War, corporate power, winning at all costs, Social Darwinism, and the spread of America's version of freedom and democracy would breathe new purpose and meaning into my pathetically idealistic site.
Thankfully, George Bush, a man who I now viewed as a hero, was speaking that day at Kansas State University (not far from my home). His presence further strengthened my spirit. Just thinking about his courageous defense of his noble actions to protect us from those vile Terrorists gave me goose bumps. I made a mental note to compose an essay arguing that all Americans need to consider civil liberties a luxury that must be sacrificed in the face of the Terrorist threat. Further, I resolved to write a piece to persuade the American people that Congress and the Supreme Court need to stay out of Bush's way as he pursues evil men like bin Laden. Bush is a man of God and we know that we can trust him to do what is best for our country, our families and for us. Those traitorous Americans who dare to dissent against him deserve to join the captured Terrorists for an indefinite stay at Guantanamo Bay. The Bill of Rights is an impediment to expedient justice and needs to be re-written, or perhaps simply discarded altogether.
(Note to self: Burn the ACLU and Amnesty International Cards and tell the wife to direct future donations to the Heritage Foundation and the Federalist Society).
Turning my attention to foreigners , which is what we real Americans call those pitiable individuals on whom our Christian God did not bestow the blessing of birth on US soil, I decided to pen a quick discourse for Thomas Paine's Corner explaining to them that Americans are morally superior, smarter, stronger, wealthier, and essentially superior to them:
"Our nation dominates the world, militarily, culturally, and financially, and those of you who do not embrace the McWallStreet Way deserve to wallow in the misery of your limited existence. If you are not going to play the game by our rules, you do not deserve the resources you have. If we do not wrest them from you militarily, we will see to it that our puppets dominate your governments and enable our powerful corporate entities to exploit you through free trade agreements. Learn English (the language we stole from our flunkies across the Atlantic) because we will not bother studying your trivial means of communication. As White Goodman said in the movie Dodgeball:
“We’re better than you, and we know it!”
Having duly informed the foreigners (with whom we so generously share the air we breathe) that they represent mere ants in the afterbirth of our great nation, I decided it was time to remind them to feel appreciative that America allows them to continue in their miserable existence. I wanted to write something that would bring them to the realization that when they arise each morning, it isn't their chosen deity they need to thank for making it to another day; it is the United States. Simultaneously, I wanted to remind my fellow patriots (and those skeptical liberal cowards) why the United States is such a glorious nation on which God continues to bestow bountiful blessings.
Driven by my renewed sense of purpose, and my blazing passion to follow my new-found inspiration, mentor, and idol, Charles Krauthammer, I elected to compile a compelling (yet succinct) detail, an accounting if you will, of the world's debt to America. Men like Charles were born to deliver sight to the blind and knowledge to the ignorant. I took a moment and prayed that one day I would have the strength to carry such a burden, and to do it as well as Charles. Meanwhile, I vowed to press ahead. Realizing that the Project for the New American Century must be implemented, regardless of the human or financial cost, I felt duty bound to quantify the world’s debts to America, which most certainly validate the PNAC:
1. While only representing 3% of the population, Americans consume 25% of the world's resources. We are keeping the other 97% of the population spiritually healthy. Detachment from the material world is critical on the path to enlightenment.
2. We cleared the North American continent of millions of backward, inferior savages to pave the way for the splendor, beauty, and glory of our culture and technology.
3. We civilized millions of savages from the continent of Africa and allowed them to share our continent. We fed and clothed them in return for the work they performed. When that was not enough to satisfy them, we freed them. They did not like a man named Jim Crow, so we got rid of him. We integrated them into our schools. We even put them into token positions of power. There is virtually no end to what we have done for African Americans.
4. We have been instrumental in ensuring a Jewish homeland in the Middle East, and have provided Israel the financial wherewithal to continue in their eradication of those barbaric Palestinians.
5. We had the guts to use atomic weapons to end the war against those bellicose Japanese. Look how many lives we saved by ending the war!
6. We showed those artists and wounded soldiers at Dresden not to mess with the United States.
7. The citizens of Tokyo will not soon forget the lesson we taught them during the fire-bombing.
8. We saved over 100,000 Japanese-Americans from retribution by their fellow citizens as we placed them in protective custody during World War II.
9. We let nature take its course in New Orleans and thereby eliminated an array of problems associated with those animals living in the Lower Ninth Ward.
10. We killed over 3 million Communist-loving Vietnamese, and would have eliminated more if it hadn't been for those pacifist, reefer-smoking Hippies. Don't even get me started on Jane Fonda. I still wonder how she evaded execution for her treason.
11. We create 25% of the greenhouse gasses, providing a plethora of carbon dioxide on which plants and trees can thrive. And who wouldn’t enjoy a warmer climate? Winter is a miserable time of the year anyway. Those very same people who gripe about "Global Warming" are the ones who scream the loudest when we deregulate the utilities (making money is the essence of Capitalism, by God) and cry about their gas bills being too high when it gets cold.
12. Despite having killed hundreds of thousands of Iraqis (between the Gulf War, the post-war economic sanctions, and the Iraq War), we have eliminated a rogue dictator who we now believe was preparing to acquire weapons of mass destruction. We have also taken the fight to the Terrorists on their own turf. If we weren't fighting them in the Middle East, we would be waging war against them in Pittsburgh or Cleveland or God only knows! Excuse me a moment; I just got a case of the shivers…
13. As the wealthiest nation in the world, we have the intestinal fortitude to allow a significant number of our citizens to suffer homelessness, poverty, and inadequate medical treatment so that the top 1% of our populace can live as royalty. After all, what kind of a civilized society would we be without nobility?
14. We continue cutting unnecessary programs to benefit the poor, minorities, consumers, education, and working people so we can funnel incredible sums to our military industrial complex. We are the arms dealer to the world and our weapons manufacturers make a fortune, boosting the economy. Our powerful military enables us to police the globe and keep America safe!
15. We routinely ignore international law, cutting through nettlesome rules that prevent us from “gittin’ er done”. America is a "can do" nation. We don't have time to trifle with petty laws and rules.
16. We put John Bolton in the UN. He will finally teach those American- hating humanitarian idealists that they can do it our way, or not do it at all.
17. To our credit, those moral abominations known as homosexuals have few, if any, protected rights in our nation. In fact, under the inspired leadership of Bush and his highly competent administration, we are moving closer to eliminating the Bill of Rights for the population as a whole. Those individual liberties just make it too unwieldy to manage the rabble of the poor and working class.
18. We helped our allies impose brutally oppressive terms on Germany after WW I, which created a sociopolitical environment in which Hitler thrived. Despite the ensuing tragedy, misery, and suffering, the horror of WW II marked the ascent of America to its throne atop the world and gave birth to an economy which thrives on perpetual war, a natural and unavoidable aspect of the human condition. Thank God America is here to manage the inevitable wars by manufacturing and selling its implements, waging it, and creating new ways to market it to the public.
19. We implement free trade policies.(Take note of how adroitly we disguise imposition as negotiation—people seldom stop to realize that few of the miniscule nations acquiescing to the free trade agreements would dare say no to a behemoth like us). These free trade agreements are bonanzas for our powerful corporations. Under the "negotiated" terms, they are able to utilize other countries by tapping their resources and paying their people the wages their “free”markets will bear, unfettered by that nonsensical “minimum wage”. In exchange, those ungrateful foreigners get employers who keep their people off the street (and out of trouble) and a small percentage of the profits on their resources, which they were too technologically backward to access anyway. It is all quite fair.
20. We relieved Mexico of half of its territory under the fine guidance of President James K. Polk and it only cost 25,000 Mexican lives. We are to be commended for keeping the body count low.
21. When that ruthless monarch, Queen Liliuokalani of Hawaii, threatened the corporate interests of Dole, we annexed her islands. Her people were far better off living under our democracy than under her despotic rule.
22. We use depleted uranium in our “conventional” weaponry to ensure that there is lasting suffering for our conquered foes in the wake of our wars of necessity.
23. We wrested control of Guam, Puerto Rico, the Philippines, and Cuba away from those insidious Spaniards (who tainted much of our Hemisphere with their language, which most Americans do not understand or want to understand).
24. We did engage in torture, scorched earth tactics, and the murder of 1,000,000 civilians, but by God we beat those Filipino bastards. We won and held on to what was ours. In the end, that was all that mattered in the Philippines.
25. We cleverly created the “War on Drugs” as a means to maintain our corporate domination of Central and South American countries. Where would those poverty-stricken, Third World nations be without the free market capitalism our corporations inject into their economies? I shudder to think.
26. To act in the best interests of the people (again by protecting our corporations), we sent financing and equipment to military rulers in Guatemala, resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Communist peasants (indigenous Mayans). Thank God for the strength Reagan showed in supporting Rios Montt’s Christian campaign, in which he annihilated 20,000 of those Commie bastards and drove another 100,000 out of the country.
27. Reagan showed similar mettle in El Salvador and Nicaragua. Under his leadership, we exterminated another 70,000 subversive Communists.
28. Despite that dreaded Platte Amendment, we held onto Guantanamo Bay. What a stroke of fortune for the world! Our great nation has imprisoned some of the world's most dangerous Terrorists at "Gitmo", and they will not be getting out anytime soon.
29. To punish Fidel Castro for robbing us of our ability to properly utilize Cuban people and resources, we have tried to assassinate or overthrow him on numerous occasions. Castro provided Cubans with education, jobs and health care. We imposed harsh sanctions on the Cuban economy that remain in effect today. Despite our lack of success in removing this Communist scourge from our Hemisphere, Castro's national health care system (which wastes money on indigents and the undeserving) has not infected America. Our capitalist model of health care for profit remains vibrant. We have done well.
30. We project an image of altruism by giving more money in foreign aid than any other nation. However, the American taxpayers need not worry. The reality is that we contribute a mere .15% of our national income, a percentage which is significantly lower than at least twenty other countries. We are miserly with our charity but we look good doing it, and those ingrates around the globe dam well better appreciate it, even if it does not involve true sacrifice on our part.
I would love to have added more to my accounting of the world's debt to our great nation, but Sunday morning rolled around and I needed to run. My wife and children were away, but I still had a big day planned to revel in my rebirth. As I headed to McDonald's to down a few McGriddles, I gassed up my Suburban, which only set me back about $100.00. I made it to the First Cavalry Fundamentalist Church of Christ in time to listen to Pastor Jeremiah McNeil remind his flock that Hugo Chavez is a Terrorist, homosexuals are morally depraved, the End Times are near (but we will be OK because we are Rapture-ready), and that we must stand firm and resolute with our Wartime President. Later, I headed to Wal-Mart to do some serious shopping with my credit cards. Tired of my abstemious existence (foolishly struggling stay debt free), I dropped about $8k on an array of computer and electronics equipment. Now that is the American Way. Play now and pay later! I felt ecstatic to save a few bucks and did not care an iota about the Chinese who had suffered deplorable working conditions to manufacture the goods I was buying. I was indifferent to the poverty level wage the clerk was earning as she rang me up.
As I completed a few more errands, I tuned in to Angry Man's radio and listened to the latest rants against the grave domestic threats posed by liberals and socialists. And I loved it because I felt validated, and because it drowned out the sound of my SUV sucking my gas tank dry. I devoted the rest of my day to manly activities, like watching football and drinking beer (so I could reassure myself of my heterosexuality). Evening descended and I turned on Fox News to ensure I would get "fair and balanced" coverage. They showed Cheney drumming up support for the war against Iran. I found myself nodding emphatic agreement when he said that we had to consider military options because the fundamentalist Islamic government was months away from developing nuclear weapons. War. Must make war. War. Must make war. That little chant ran through my head for several minutes, even after the Cheney segment was over. It had a rhythmic, almost hypnotic quality to it. Goddamn those Terrorists!
Later in the evening, I delved into The Savage Nation for more powerful insight into the leftist cancer eating away at America. After a couple of chapters, mental fatigue set in and I could no longer read. My thoughts wandered to a Website I had recently spotted called Jihad Unspun. I felt the rage welling up inside me. Those filthy Muslims contaminate our minds with their propaganda and threaten our way of life with their Terrorism. That sealed it for me. Tomorrow I would change the name of my blog from Thomas Paine's Corner to Neocon Unspun to counter those bastards. My anger subsided and slowly shifted to joy as I began planning my revamped site format. Finally closing my eyes, I smiled contentedly as I recalled the images of "Old Glory" and Charles Krauthammer, both of which had been indelibly etched into my mind. God bless the USA and thank you for Neoconning me, Charles.
Jason Miller is a 39 year old activist writer with a degree in liberal arts. When he is not spending time with his wife and three sons, researching, or writing, he is working as a loan counselor. He is a member of Amnesty International and an avid supporter of Oxfam International and Human Rights Watch. He welcomes responses at firstname.lastname@example.org or comments on his blog, Thomas Paine's Corner, at http://civillibertarian.blogspot.com/.