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Lyndon Hood: Defence Briefs

Satire: Defence Briefs

by Lyndon Hood

Goff Recieves Rumsfeld Handshake of Doom
ANZAC Solomons Forces Remember WWI With Gas Attack
Iran in firing line for not having weapons of mass destruction

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Goff Recieves Rumsfeld Handshake of Doom

Trade and Defence Minister Phil Goff, currently visiting Washington, is assumed to have shaken the hand of United States Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld during an amiable meeting in which they discussed New Zealand's military ties with the US and our role in regional security.

Based on similar past handshakes, New Zealand can expect to be the subject of a US-led invasion in mid-July 2016.

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ANZAC Solomons Forces Remember WWI With Gas Attack

Anonymous sources in RAMSI have responded to accusations of heavy-handed policing from the Speaker of the Solomon Island's Parliament, Sir Peter Kenilorea. Witnesses have claimed that the joint Australia-NZ force's actions may have turned a protest into a confrontation and - following the use of tear gas - a riot.

A member of the force explained:

"With it coming up to ANZAC day, we were all standing around thinking about how to follow the example of those warriors in the First World War. Maybe that's why someone suggested using chemical weapons. Y'know, in a briefly effective but ultimately futile or even counterproductive attempt to overcome the tactical stalemate. So we broke out the tear gas."

"We had plenty of chances to us it later on, too," he added.

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Iran in firing line for not having weapons of mass destruction

World leaders are taking strong stances against Iran as more evidence emerges that the rogue state has no nuclear weapons.

"The evidence is clear: Iran has no nuclear weapons," Tony Blair told the UK Parliament on Tuesday, "It is also not in defiance of a Security Council ultimatum. For our own sake, and for our children, the world must act immediately to overcome this terrible threat."

Former Iran nuclear programme inspectors have disputed this assessment, saying that if Iran were able to refine uranium to a much higher degree than they can now, and if they acquire a few other technologies, and if the actually want to, the could achieve the potential to make nuclear weapons that could be deployed within 45 minutes.

President Bush described this position as "wild speculation". "I know we've had failures of intelligence before, but not this time," he said, "I'm the decider, and I decide whether people have weapons of mass destruction or not."

Iran is expected to be attacked only after capitulating and allowing UN Inspectors to examine their nuclear programme, but before those inspectors have time to find that it poses no threat.

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