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Lyndon Hood: Brash's Press Conference Prep

Satire: Brash's Press Conference Prep - Possible Scenarios


by Lyndon Hood

After Winston Peter's tabling of leaked emails in Parliament, the question on everyone's lips is - what was Don Brash thinking at that press conference?

Through various sources, Scoop has received a number of documents purporting to be internal National Party transcripts of the briefing before that fateful standup. We're not sure which one is genuine, but logically, one of them must be. You be the judge!

**********

DOCUMENT ONE:
Found wrapped around a rock thrown through the window of the Scoop office

SOMEONE FROM THE NATIONAL PARTY: Don, you've got a press conference.

DON BRASH: Press conference?

SFTNP: They want you to front up about those emails Winston tabled.

DB: Press Conference?

SFTNP: That's right. Winston Peters has shown eveyone some emails which are... Don, look at me... some of your emails which he's not supposed to have and the bad men are trying to make out you told lies.

DB: I don't tell lies!

SFTNP: That's right.

DB: But sometimes I forget.

SFTNP: Yes.

DB: And sometimes I don't understand.

SFTNP: One more thing. Don't mention our Americans.

DB: Americans?

SFNTP: That's right.

DB: I remember some Americans. Sort of doing stuff for the campaign.

SFNTP: Yes, those are exactly the Americans I don't want you to mention. Here. Now write this down: "The claim that the content of the emails reflect badly on National is groundless anti-American ... "

DB: Ooo! Shiny!

SFTNP: Oh never mind. Look, read this email. No, no it's not food. Oh for heaven's sake! I can't send you to a press conference without any idea what you're talking about, what will I tell eveyone?

DB: Press conference?

[PAUSE]

SFTNP: Yes, Don, off you go to your press conference.

DB: Tax cuts!

SFTNP: That's right. And remember about the Americans.

DB: Remember the Americans. Bye bye.

[SOUND OF RECEDING FOOTSTEPS. GENTLE SOBBING CLOSE TO THE MICROPHONE]

**********

DOCUMENT TWO:
Found sticking to Scoop's shoe after a night at the press gallery bar

SOMEONE FROM THE NATIONAL PARTY: Ah, Dr Brash. Don. I can call you Don, can't I?

DON BRASH: Of course.

SFTNP: You can call me [NAME BLACKED OUT].

DB: Gosh.

SFTNP: Don, you're going to have to do a press conference.

DB: What about?

SFTNP: Oh, some little email thing. That Winston and his shenanigans. You trust me, don't you Don?

DB: Of course I trust you, [NAME BLACKED OUT].

SFTNP: Well if I say you're ready, you're ready. Now off you go.

DB: But what is it actually about?

SFTNP: I'm sure it's nothing you can't handle. After all, you lead the National Party to its highest increase in the vote ever! A glorious statesman! What need you concern yourself with a mere gaggle of reporters?

DB: Well, if you put it like that then I suppose...

SFTNP: Sir, your supposition is as the certainty of the Gods. You go put them in their place.

DB: So I shall!

[RECEDING FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CLOSES]

SFTNP: Ah ha ha ha ha!

**********

DOCUMENT THREE:
Fell out of a bundle of local loop

SOMEONE FROM THE NATIONAL PARTY: Oh no, Winston is releasing those emails! They make it look like Julian Robertson, who you denied had anything to do with our campaign, was helping you solicit the American campaigners you said you didn't have. What else might WInston have on us? This could be more damaging than the information in the police report that implies the party must have know about the Brethren's leaflets in advance and therefore both lied and overspent our election campaign!

DON BRASH: Silence fool! This is easily dealt with.

SFTNP: But how?

DB: This press conference...

SFTNP: But Dr Brash, what could you possible say?

DB: I shall pretend to be hopelessly confused about everything. That way, even if these accusations gain any traction, they won't pin a thing on me. And I shall pretend not to have any idea what's in the email.

SFTNP: How could you convince anyone of that?

DB: Hmm. Perhaps I shall fail to bring a copy of it, and - oh this is very droll - ask one of the journalists for a copy. That way, if I have to disavow anything I've said previously, my feigned sudden recollection will be all the more credible. The fools will never suspect anything. Mwa ha ha ha!

SFTNP: Genius!

DB: What's more, I shall repeatedly make that 'aeh' noise to further disarm their suspicions! Excellent! Now, am I looking gormless?

SFTNP: Yes, Sir.

DB: Of we go, then.

**********

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