Lyndon Hood: Parliament Imitates Art
Satire: Parliament Imitates Art
by Lyndon Hood
The wild speculation of history's great creative minds has, I've often thought, rarely been able to match the droll and improbable events that occur in the politics of this nation.
But recently a rash of occurrences in the life of Parliament had a particularly strong resemblance to the works of moving-picture artists.
Even if we limit ourselves to the cinema - thus excluding comparison between G.B.H. (the 1991 TV series in which an up-and-coming politician persecutes a school headmaster for arbitrary, deeply psychological reasons) and Allan Peachey - the similarities are staggering:
In Die Hard (1988)
As snow falls outside, Bruce Willis tries to warn the authorities of a massive kidnapping plan. Government agents turn off the power, inadvertently allow a staggeringly large amount of money to be stolen.
Snow falls in Canterbury. Opposition digs up old warnings as power goes off in Auckland, costing the economy a staggeringly large amount of money.
In Gremlins (1984)
Cute furry animals turn into monsters when fed after midnight.
Docile Pacific nations vote for whaling after receiving Japanese money.
In Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
On kissing Dana Wynter, Kevin McCarthy realises she's actually a pod person.
Pita Sharples declines to support second reading of 90-day probation employment bill.
In A Boy and His Dog (1975)
Post-apocalypse: After all his troubles, Don Johnson still has his dog.
Pre-interview, annoyed about coverage of tax issues, Michael Cullen suddenly has a cow.
In The Passion of the Christ (2004)
Messiah is crucified without particularly deserving it. In a not wholly unexpected move, he rises three days later.
David Parker resigns.
In Interview With a Vampire (1994)
Louis de Pointe du Lac, who one would reasonably have expected to die in the 18th Century, discusses his life and opinions.
Don Brash, still leader of the National Party, plans his next Orewa speech.
In Soylent Green (1973):
Mystery food ingredient is "people".
People on hospital waiting lists are "culled".
In K-9000 (1991)
Scientist develops a prototype electronic police dog. A hilarious mix-up sees a microchip implant telepathically connecting dog to a less intelligent human.
Parliament debates unpopular dog microchip implant law. Pragmatic considerations see several Green MPs voting with United Future.
In The Cabinet of Dr Caligari (1920)
Protagonist is either the only one who can protect the innocent from a horrible fate, or a psychotic.
"No room for more tax cuts" - Cullen
In Rambo III (1988)
One soldier combats the forces of oppression in a nation controlled by totalitarian communists.
Heather Roy returns to the House.
In Wall Street (1987)
Charlie Sheen wins riches, looses soul.
United Future wins chipping debate, didn't have any friends anyway.
In Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)
Due to actions of talking apes, man destroys whole planet.
Citing actions of Bush administration, National still intends to withdraw from Kyoto.
In Monsters, Inc. (2001)
A legion of nightmare creatures try to use the terror of children as a power source. Hilarity ensues.
Murray McCully compares NZ anti-terror legislation unfavourably with Australia's.
In The Fugitive (1993)
Tommy Lee Jones hunts Harrison Ford, who is charged with a crime he didn't commit.
Ron Mark wants Kahui family arrested for not talking to the police, which is not a crime.
In Bride and Prejudice (2004):
Jane Austen is suddenly full of bollywood dance sequences. Martin Henderson looses the arrogance and, after a series of fractious but increasingly flirtatious encounters, picks up Aishwarya Rai.
Dancing with the Stars is full of Rodney Hide. He looses weight and, after a series of increasingly inexplicable txt-election results, drops Krystal.
In The Sixth Sense (1999)
Haley Joel Osment sees dead people. Bruce Willis helps.
Uncooperative family of dead twins sees enraged nation (which doesn't improve the situation, but nation feels better). Pita Sharples somehow imagines he can help. At the end, we discover Sharples is also enraged.
So, now you've seen the facts!
Coincidence - or happenstance? You be the judge!