Scoop has an Ethical Paywall
Kiwi Herald Digest: News Too Good To Be True
Kiwi Herald Digest: News Too Good To Be
True
Ground-breaking stories from the Kiwi Herald, award winning newspaper of the small but wonderful New Zealand community of Moenui. The town is the current holder of the Northern Region Best Kept Grass – or so says the website of the Kiwi Herald. So excited was Scoop at reading these stories - that are sadly too good to be true - we felt they needed to get beyond the good citizens of Moenui.
Included in this digest are reports on high level trade talks between the NZ media and John McCain that were nearly stalled by the interference of officials and politicians, reports blaming the poor for their fate and Dr Brash's latest attempts to get down with 'da kids'.
US Free Trade Agreement Is
Sealed TV reporter Guyon Espiner has
sewn up a free trade agreement with the USA. The Kiwi Herald
believes the arrangement will be revealed in a special TV
One news report this week.
Last week New Zealand news
viewers were shocked when Foreign Affairs Minister Winston
Peters interrupted Espiner and veteran radio reporter Barry
Soper as they opened negotiations with Senator John McCain.
Herald investigations show that the clearly embarrassed
McCain later contacted Espiner and asked that the chat
continue. "Hey, I just love the guy," said McCain.
"Guyon's the sort of man I would have loved to have had with
me when I was a prisoner of the Vietcong. He's such a
go-getter... a real fighter and you can see with Guyon that
it is just so not about him." TV One current affairs boss
Bill Ralston told the Herald that the free trade deal was a
real coup. "At the moment the deal is only between Guyon and
the US but its a foot in the door. We are confident that
gradually the US will extend the deal to include other TV
One staff and their families." The coup for Espiner comes
on the heels of his now celebrated interview with Finance
Minister Michael Cullen in which the reporter negotiated
personal tax cuts for the members of the parliamentary press
gallery. A new report shows that
the number of children living in poverty is growing and that
its all their own fault. The report, entitled 'The Deserving
Poor' shows that "the percentage of children living in
hardship has gone from 18 to 26 percent, but 90 percent of
it can be put down to the children's own behaviour." The
author of the report Marcel Lauziere told the Kiwi Herald
that a surprisingly high percentage of children from
Moenui's poorer homes had ambitions beyond the means of
their parents, failed to offer their parents budgeting
advice or "insist that their parents get off the benefit and
get themselves a job that will qualify them for 'working for
families." As a result these children typically live in
homes where there is no telephone, no washing machine, less
than required fresh fruit and veges and no heating in main
rooms. "What was really disappointing to surveyors was the
inability of children to either embrace poverty as a great
builder of character or to change the behaviour of parents
who failed to provide," said Lauziere. "One has to wonder,
given the emergence of trans-generational poverty, whether
it is genetically transmitted. This is an area we intend to
research." Over and over again child respondents struggled
to comprehend that they were part of the problem. Amie a 7 year old who lives in such a household told
surveyors: "We used to have a phone but it got cut off
'cause my Mum didn't pay the bill. She said she didn't have
enough money but maybe she might of spent it all on smokes
and Lotto. She might smoke as a secret when I'm in bed. I'm
going to tell Mr Prasad at the dairy not to let her. Then
she could buy me a playstation2" Tame who is nine said:
"Sometimes I ask for McDonald's when we are in town. My Mum
says its not good for me but she might be wrong. Sarah Ulmer
likes McDonald's." Twelve year old Lauren was one of the
exceptions. She said that she used to be part of the reason
for her family's problems but had changed her ways. "I
used to want all the stuff like other kids had, but now I
don't care. Now I know that things don't make you happy
unless your parents have got the money to pay for them. Now
I don't ask for new clothes. Mum says second-hand clothes
are kind-of retro so it is OK. I tell her that if she
believes that crap then no wonder she can't see that her
boyfriend's a loser. She's so thick. She bought a car on HP
and then she couldn't pay for it and they took it back and
then we had to give back the washing machine and the DVD
player." Lauren says that she is going to leave home as
soon as she is able. She wants to break the cycle of
poverty. "My ambition is to be rich. I want to be a
fashion model or a designer or a hip-hop dancer. I reckon in
this county if you work hard and have a dream you can do it
eh?" A rejuvenated Don
Brash wowed the National Party faithful today, uni-cycling
along a tightrope high above the conference floor. The
unusual entrance, a clear reference to the damaging 'walk
the plank' incident where Brash appeared unsure and
diffident when boarding a boat, ended with the Party Leader
grinning broadly to the cheering conference and shouting
"Eat my shorts John Key." He then launched into a rousing
speech. Moenui National Party supporters described Brash's
performance as 'fantastic' and even 'messianic' denying that
it was a cheap political stunt. Long-time member Georgina
Forbes typified the reaction saying that the 'walk the
plank' incident had made her seriously question Dr Brash's
suitability for the leader's job but the tightrope stunt had
convinced her that he was the one. "It was a beautifully
balanced performance and he looked just right in his Dawn
Raid stadium jacket and bandana. He has got my vote," she
said. The new 'fun-loving' Dr Brash is the first sign of
the party's 'Cooling of National' PR campaign which will
roll out in the coming months. As well as the new
association with hip-hop fashion label 'Dawn Raid' the Party
leadership is expected to be seen with rock bands though
there seems little substance to the rumour that U2 has
requested that Gerry Brownlee sing backing vocals for them
on their upcoming tour. The Kiwi Herald can report however
that two of the party's female high-flyers have taken the PR
advisors recommendations to heart and will soon appear in
cover stories in Womans' Day magazine. The move to present a
softer 'everywoman' face will be started with a Judith
Collins tell-all entitled "My Powhiri Pain" in which Collins
tells of the anguish she felt at being removed from the
front row at powhiri. Judith Collins goes on to describe
her ongoing struggle with grief at the death of her
childhood hero Rosa Parkes and how in her sadness she swore
to "always sit up front as Rosa showed us even if it means
elbowing the likes of Georgina Te HeuHeu out of the
way." The following week Dr Jackie Blue will feature in an
article headed "My ER Romance," but rumours that an upcoming
"My Lifelong Battle With Cellulite" story will feature
Lockwood Smith appear to be fanciful. Graham
Capill has joined the chorus of politicians and celebrities
describing child abuse as a Maori problem. The former
Christian Heritage Party leader said, “It is time to end
the political correctness that bedevils public life and
speak out. Everyone knows that Maori violence against
children is endemic and it is rubbish to pretend anything
else. So-called Maori leaders need to stand up and deal with
the problem.” The statement from Capill, speaking from
prison, appears on a video released to the Herald by a
member of the Moenui Church of God. The statement also calls
on members of the Kahui family to "show some guts," front-up
to the police and turn over the person responsible for the
death of twins Chris and Cru. “I agree with the Prime
Minister that this case is like Once were Warriors” he
said. Mr Capill then went on to say that he had not seen the
movie and was glad he had not because it was directed by
someone who had since shown himself to be “morally
suspect.” Meanwhile the spokesperson for the Kahui
family, Ani Hawke says that now that the children’s tangi
is over it should not be long before the family comes
forward and provides information to the police about who was
responsible for the deaths. “As Tangata Whenua we have to
observe Maori Tikanga. It was necessary to first deal with
the spiritual and observe the tangi of our babies. We also
had Matariki, the Maori New Year fall at this time and there
may be some further delay because of the traditional fishing
calendar requires that nets are repaired and the kumara are
readied for the spring planting." Moenui Constable Fred
Tawhai has expressed frustration at the failure of family
members to come forward and name the person or persons
responsible for the death of the twins but says he will
achieve a result. “I must admit that this is turning
into a bit of a chess game,” Tawhai told the Herald.
“Its slow but I reckon we’ll get there. I’ve been
studying the classic Ruy Lopez chess openings and some of
Kasparov’s variations and so I'm confident I’ve got
their measure.” ENDS
Scoop Independent News Scoop is NZ's largest independent news source; respected widely in media, political, business and academic circles for being the place on the internet for publishing "what was really said", and for the quality of its analysis of issues.
Poor Children To Blame
Rejuvenated Brash Puts 'Plank'
Behind Him
Capill Says Child
Abuse A Maori Problem 
Meanwhile United's
Peter Dunne is expected to announce next week that he will
leave politics to open a hairstyling salon.
Scoop
Binoy Kampmark: The Australian Defence Formula, Spend! Spend! Spend!
Ian Powell: New Hospital Building Trumps ‘Yes Minister’ Hospital Without Patients
Mike Treen: Prices Are Still Rising - It's A Cost Of Living Crisis
Gordon Campbell: On When Racism Comes Disguised As Anti-racism
Peter Dunne: Newshub And TVNZ Tip Of Media Iceberg
Harry Finch: Austerity – For And Against