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Kiwi Herald Digest: News Too Good To Be True

Kiwi Herald Digest: News Too Good To Be True

Ground-breaking stories from the Kiwi Herald, award winning newspaper of the small but wonderful New Zealand community of Moenui. The town is the current holder of the Northern Region Best Kept Grass – or so says the website of the Kiwi Herald. So excited was Scoop at reading these stories - that are sadly too good to be true - we felt they needed to get beyond the good citizens of Moenui.

Included in this digest are reports on high level trade talks between the NZ media and John McCain that were nearly stalled by the interference of officials and politicians, reports blaming the poor for their fate and Dr Brash's latest attempts to get down with 'da kids'.

US Free Trade Agreement Is Sealed
Poor Children To Blame
Rejuvenated Brash Puts 'Plank' Behind Him
Capill Says Child Abuse A Maori Problem


US Free Trade Agreement Is Sealed

Senator McCain

TV reporter Guyon Espiner has sewn up a free trade agreement with the USA. The Kiwi Herald believes the arrangement will be revealed in a special TV One news report this week.

Last week New Zealand news viewers were shocked when Foreign Affairs Minister Winston Peters interrupted Espiner and veteran radio reporter Barry Soper as they opened negotiations with Senator John McCain. Herald investigations show that the clearly embarrassed McCain later contacted Espiner and asked that the chat continue.

"Hey, I just love the guy," said McCain. "Guyon's the sort of man I would have loved to have had with me when I was a prisoner of the Vietcong. He's such a go-getter... a real fighter and you can see with Guyon that it is just so not about him."

TV One current affairs boss Bill Ralston told the Herald that the free trade deal was a real coup. "At the moment the deal is only between Guyon and the US but its a foot in the door. We are confident that gradually the US will extend the deal to include other TV One staff and their families."

The coup for Espiner comes on the heels of his now celebrated interview with Finance Minister Michael Cullen in which the reporter negotiated personal tax cuts for the members of the parliamentary press gallery.


Poor Children To Blame

A new report shows that the number of children living in poverty is growing and that its all their own fault. The report, entitled 'The Deserving Poor' shows that "the percentage of children living in hardship has gone from 18 to 26 percent, but 90 percent of it can be put down to the children's own behaviour."

The author of the report Marcel Lauziere told the Kiwi Herald that a surprisingly high percentage of children from Moenui's poorer homes had ambitions beyond the means of their parents, failed to offer their parents budgeting advice or "insist that their parents get off the benefit and get themselves a job that will qualify them for 'working for families."

As a result these children typically live in homes where there is no telephone, no washing machine, less than required fresh fruit and veges and no heating in main rooms.

"What was really disappointing to surveyors was the inability of children to either embrace poverty as a great builder of character or to change the behaviour of parents who failed to provide," said Lauziere. "One has to wonder, given the emergence of trans-generational poverty, whether it is genetically transmitted. This is an area we intend to research."

Over and over again child respondents struggled to comprehend that they were part of the problem.

Amie a 7 year old who lives in such a household told surveyors: "We used to have a phone but it got cut off 'cause my Mum didn't pay the bill. She said she didn't have enough money but maybe she might of spent it all on smokes and Lotto. She might smoke as a secret when I'm in bed. I'm going to tell Mr Prasad at the dairy not to let her. Then she could buy me a playstation2"

Tame who is nine said: "Sometimes I ask for McDonald's when we are in town. My Mum says its not good for me but she might be wrong. Sarah Ulmer likes McDonald's."

Twelve year old Lauren was one of the exceptions. She said that she used to be part of the reason for her family's problems but had changed her ways.

"I used to want all the stuff like other kids had, but now I don't care. Now I know that things don't make you happy unless your parents have got the money to pay for them. Now I don't ask for new clothes. Mum says second-hand clothes are kind-of retro so it is OK. I tell her that if she believes that crap then no wonder she can't see that her boyfriend's a loser. She's so thick. She bought a car on HP and then she couldn't pay for it and they took it back and then we had to give back the washing machine and the DVD player."

Lauren says that she is going to leave home as soon as she is able. She wants to break the cycle of poverty.

"My ambition is to be rich. I want to be a fashion model or a designer or a hip-hop dancer. I reckon in this county if you work hard and have a dream you can do it eh?"


Rejuvenated Brash Puts 'Plank' Behind Him

A rejuvenated Don Brash wowed the National Party faithful today, uni-cycling along a tightrope high above the conference floor. The unusual entrance, a clear reference to the damaging 'walk the plank' incident where Brash appeared unsure and diffident when boarding a boat, ended with the Party Leader grinning broadly to the cheering conference and shouting "Eat my shorts John Key." He then launched into a rousing speech.

Moenui National Party supporters described Brash's performance as 'fantastic' and even 'messianic' denying that it was a cheap political stunt. Long-time member Georgina Forbes typified the reaction saying that the 'walk the plank' incident had made her seriously question Dr Brash's suitability for the leader's job but the tightrope stunt had convinced her that he was the one. "It was a beautifully balanced performance and he looked just right in his Dawn Raid stadium jacket and bandana. He has got my vote," she said.

The new 'fun-loving' Dr Brash is the first sign of the party's 'Cooling of National' PR campaign which will roll out in the coming months. As well as the new association with hip-hop fashion label 'Dawn Raid' the Party leadership is expected to be seen with rock bands though there seems little substance to the rumour that U2 has requested that Gerry Brownlee sing backing vocals for them on their upcoming tour.

The Kiwi Herald can report however that two of the party's female high-flyers have taken the PR advisors recommendations to heart and will soon appear in cover stories in Womans' Day magazine. The move to present a softer 'everywoman' face will be started with a Judith Collins tell-all entitled "My Powhiri Pain" in which Collins tells of the anguish she felt at being removed from the front row at powhiri.

Judith Collins goes on to describe her ongoing struggle with grief at the death of her childhood hero Rosa Parkes and how in her sadness she swore to "always sit up front as Rosa showed us even if it means elbowing the likes of Georgina Te HeuHeu out of the way."

The following week Dr Jackie Blue will feature in an article headed "My ER Romance," but rumours that an upcoming "My Lifelong Battle With Cellulite" story will feature Lockwood Smith appear to be fanciful.
Meanwhile United's Peter Dunne is expected to announce next week that he will leave politics to open a hairstyling salon.


Capill Says Child Abuse A Maori Problem

Graham Capill has joined the chorus of politicians and celebrities describing child abuse as a Maori problem.

The former Christian Heritage Party leader said, “It is time to end the political correctness that bedevils public life and speak out. Everyone knows that Maori violence against children is endemic and it is rubbish to pretend anything else. So-called Maori leaders need to stand up and deal with the problem.”

The statement from Capill, speaking from prison, appears on a video released to the Herald by a member of the Moenui Church of God. The statement also calls on members of the Kahui family to "show some guts," front-up to the police and turn over the person responsible for the death of twins Chris and Cru. “I agree with the Prime Minister that this case is like Once were Warriors” he said. Mr Capill then went on to say that he had not seen the movie and was glad he had not because it was directed by someone who had since shown himself to be “morally suspect.”

Meanwhile the spokesperson for the Kahui family, Ani Hawke says that now that the children’s tangi is over it should not be long before the family comes forward and provides information to the police about who was responsible for the deaths. “As Tangata Whenua we have to observe Maori Tikanga. It was necessary to first deal with the spiritual and observe the tangi of our babies. We also had Matariki, the Maori New Year fall at this time and there may be some further delay because of the traditional fishing calendar requires that nets are repaired and the kumara are readied for the spring planting."

Moenui Constable Fred Tawhai has expressed frustration at the failure of family members to come forward and name the person or persons responsible for the death of the twins but says he will achieve a result.

“I must admit that this is turning into a bit of a chess game,” Tawhai told the Herald. “Its slow but I reckon we’ll get there. I’ve been studying the classic Ruy Lopez chess openings and some of Kasparov’s variations and so I'm confident I’ve got their measure.”


© Scoop Media

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