Lyndon Hood: Leaked Brash Email Of The Day
Leaked Brash Email Of The DaySatire by Lyndon Hood
[The following email was illegally extracted from Don Brash's computer this morning, because that's what all the cool kids seem to be doing.]
Subject: Your resignation
BCC: firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com
Congratulations! You've reached what is probably the most pivotal stage of any political career - the place you've been working towards practically since you entered Parliament.
You're going to resign the leadership, effective Monday. The press conference is at one.
They were only going to keep you around to carry the can for this Hager business, so really, you're going yourself a favour. Yay!
Come on - you too: Yay!
Good. Think of kiwifruit.
Now to the advice.
First thing: claim that your resignation has nothing at all to do with the publication of that book. You don't want people to think you're resigning because you've been accused of lying, so pretend you meant to step down all along.
After all, you did say you'd quit if you lost the election, and you kind of did lose. So really, the last year or so of your leadership could be viewed as a hilarious misunderstanding. Blame Helen Clark.
Don't worry. You're getting much more convincing than you were in 2005. There's no reason to start admitting things just when you're getting the hang of it. Nobody will suspect a thing. People resign on a Thursday lunchtime after only telling their colleagues that morning all the time.
Which reminds me, this is one of those things you should tell the 'leadership team' about.
If anyone asks you about the Exclusive Brethren, try grumpiness or irritability. And remember you can prove last week's 'never had an email from the Exclusive Brethren' claim by telling everyone about that email Jason showed you the in August.
We'll have a method to allow that book to be published without lifting the injunction ready by then too, but I haven't thought of anything improbable enough yet. I'll leave you a note on the lectern.
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