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Lyndon Hood: Electoral Spam Act

Electoral Spam Act

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Having been away for a while, Scoop's satirist felt it appropriate to clear out his email.

Why don't we join him?

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Subject: URGENT REMINDER! Your registration

*** FINAL REMINDER NOTICE ***

Greetings again from the electoral commission team.

Our records indicate that your electoral registration is about to expire. If you do not renew your registration under the new electoral regime you will be unable to vote, make anonymous donations, engage in secretive and expensive media campaigns or appropriate taxpayer money. You will also be forbidden from holding any opinion whatsoever on any matter during an election year and on election day big hairy monsters will come and eat you.

Your vote is important to us. To renew you enrolment, click on this link.

Please have your bank account details ready, as well as your passport number, TradeMe passwords and any available retina scans or DNA profiles.

Thanks you,
That orange guy.

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Subject: Are YOU having trouble with your EL3CTIONS?

Get cheaper ELEC71ONS!!!!1!!

Purchasing your E7ECTION elsewhere could cost UP TO ONE POINT TWO MILLION DOLLARS ($1,200,000) but use our NEW REGIME and we guarantee YOU WILL NOT PAY MORE THAN $120,000. SAVE 90%!!!!

You'll be amazed as your EL3CTION5 lasts for UP TO 11 MONTHS!

SATISFY AT LEAST ONE WOMAN!!!!!!

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Subject: Political joke of the day, 2/12/07

Mallard! Duck!

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Subject: MAKE MONEY FROM HOME

Make $$$ in your spare time!

Get paid to take out election advertisements!

Spend up to $1,000 a month!

Or register with our special programme and spend up to $10,000 a month!

Reply now to ron@grandrightwingconspiracy.com!

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Subject: This Stock is Hot!

Auckland Angry Placards and Protest Equipment (NZX:AAPP)

This company is primed for huge prices!

Buy now!

*****

Subject: Political joke of the day, 3/12/07

Have you heard about John Key's latest video?
... It's rated Arrr!

This joke authorised by Helen Clark, Premier House, Wellington

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Subject: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Important personal safety warning

>

> > > We should take this very seriously. Please forward it to everyone you know. - DPF

> > > > > > OMFG! UR FREEDOMZ R IN TEH DANGURZ!!!!11!!!

> > > > > > > > > This is something that happened to me the other week. I didn't think much of it until now. Some people offered me an electoral reform. They seemed very persistent and one of them was cackling evilly, and what's more I had a bad feeling, so I just got in my car and drove off.

Then I received this e-mail yesterday and it sent chills up my spine. Please read this. It is no joke. Here is the e-mail I was sent.

Dear Friends:

I don't normally send mass emails but I though you should all be of what happened to me and to stop it happening again.

I was walking through the parking lot of my local legislature when I was approached by a man who was trying to sell me an electoral finance bill and said he had samples of the amendments in his car. Normally I am distrustful of strange politicians, but since I observed there was a woman in the drivers seat I though it would be safe to have a look.

When they handed me a closely-printed piece of paper and I held it up to her face, I began to feel tired and dizzy. At first I thought it was just very boring but had been soaked in NITROUS OXIDE!

I regained consciousness alone at the side of an unfamiliar road and concluded that I had been taken for a ride. Then I noticed a freshly stiched-up wound on my side. I went to the hospital and they rushed me into surgery right away, because my freedoms gland had been stolen! Now I have to be hooked up to a machine for four hours a day in order to express my opinions!

I've since heard that this has been happened to other people, so everyone should be on their guard. If someone approaches you offering a election finance bill, report them to a campaigning newspaper editor immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend them yourself as politicians can be dangerous.

*****

Subject: Business arrangement

Greetings friend,

My name is Mister INSERT APPROPRIATE PSEUDONYM, Soliciter. I represent an upright religious organisation organisation wishing to tranfer 1.2 Million Dollars ($1 200 000) into your election. As this is a delicate matter due to the repressive government of your country, we require the assistance of a third party to secure the transaction.

I am writing to request your confidential assistance in this matter. In return for you aid you would receive ten per cent (10%) - one hundred and twenty thousand dollars ($120 000) - to spend on you own election advertising. Also, if the transactions goals are successful, you may receive an unspecified tax cut at some point.

Please contact me immediately. I hope that we can do confidential business together.

Your friend,
PSEUDONYM

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