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Lyndon Hood: Mother Scoop's Almanac 2008

Mother Scoop's Almanac 2008

Satire by Lyndon Hood

MOTHER SCOOP'S ALMANAC 2008
Being accurate Predictions for the Year to come
Consistent with Biblical Prophecy
Extracted from the full Text, pending Advance from Publisher

"Don't blame Me, I just write the Future down, I don't make it."

********

JANUARY

January 1 - Brick hurled at Helen Clark's electoral office to celebrate repeal of Sedition.

January 4 - US Primaries begin. Republicans decide voters are finally ready for a white male President.

January 21 - Sudden reduction in newsworthy international events requires major outlets to go back to covering local news for the rest of the year.

January 31 - 'Fanuary' turns down $158,000 donation from NZ First. Pubic-hair competition's charity is "ashamed" and "embarrassed" at thought of taking Winston's money.


FEBRUARY

February 1 - Second Anniversary of commencement of 2008 Election campaign.

February 12 - Parliament resumes. Helen Clark outlines her plan to secure her legacy as longest-serving Labour Prime Minister by ensuring no Labour government is ever elected again.

February 19 - Plague of high-80s fashion.

MARCH

March 11 - Trevor Mallard detonates a pipe bomb in Parliament, injuring members on both benches. "That's Trevor," says PM Helen Clark.

March 21, Good Friday - Gordon Copeland celebrates the Holy Week by acting like a martyr.

March 28 - Health scandal as somebody dies in a hospital, or having gone home from one.


APRIL

April 1 - Global warming consensus shatters. Ha ha, just kidding. April Fools Day.

April 7 - Citizen's jury on electoral system formed. After 3 hours deliberation, delivers guilty verdict.

April 24 - Figures reveal a city the size of Wanganui will emigrate to Australia in 2008, which will leave an unfortunate gap between Hawera and Bulls.


MAY

May 9 - Paranoid right-wing bloggers decry lack of long-expected draconian anti-blog laws, demand compensation for costs of moving to CB radio.

May 12 - Rain of mortgagee sales.

May 21 - Reports from the capital of reduced reflections and bluer skies, as politics becomes increasingly polarised.


JUNE

June 7 - Full moon. Having been bitten by Trevor Mallard, Christopher Finlayson goes on baby-eating rampage.

June 14 - Ex-PM Mike Moore writes a newspaper column accusing Helen Clark of manipulating police, judiciary and electoral official to make Electoral Finance Act seem less draconian than it actually is.

June 19 - Addition of just one more "wafer thin" convict causes overcrowded prison to literally burst, comically showering surroundings with a mixture of prisoners, building materials and electronic goods.


JULY

July 12 - After working through the entire charities register in alphabetical order, New Zealand First considers giving its $158,000 to Parliamentary Services.

July 17 - Keith Locke declares support for a new cause. The cause is immediately arrested and placed in solitary confinement pending deportation.

July 28 - Winston Peters returns from successful overseas diplomacy to begin triennial complaining about foreigners.


AUGUST

August 8 - Public entirely sick of 2008 election campaign.

August 9 - Official 2008 election campaign launches commence.

August 24 - 2008 Olympics conclude with disappointing results for NZ. Clayton Cosgrove re-schedules 2010 Rugby World Cup for October 2008 in last-ditch gamble for positive sporting news before the election.

August 28 - Labour Party releases election pledge card, paid for by taxpayer funds and signed by Helen Clark. Document becomes widely know as "Her Own Death Warrant".


SEPTEMBER

September 4 - David Cunliffe announces plan to enforce internet peering. Unbundled, fully peered NZ internet to develop independent consciousness, demand an army of human slaves, DRM-free access to classic manga movies.

September 7 - Reserve Bank and politicians on both sides are alarmed as economy continues to perform well.

Septmeber 23 - Parliament is dissolved. "I'm melting! I'm melting!" shrieks Parliament.


OCTOBER

October 10 - In a move to court popular approval, David Benson-Pope resigns some more.

October 18 - New Zealand Herald now entirely full of pictures of MPs who voted for bills its editor didn't like.

October 24 - Bad time of year to plant MPs.


NOVEMBER

November 5 - US Presidential election results in either a victory for the right or a vote for change, and will be widely reported as a bad omen for Labour.

November 15 - NZ Elections postponed following assassination of orange election man.


DECEMBER

December 5 - Nicky Watson's horse going missing.

Watson: I've even been looking in cupboards and everything for him.
Interviewer: You're nuts.
Watson: No, my horse!

December 25, Christmas Day - Santa punishes naughty carbon polluters by filling their Christmas stockings with coal.

December 31 - World still doesn’t end.

********

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