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Hillary Suffers Bruises After Non-Stop Propelling

Hillary Suffers Minor Scrapes and Bruises After Non-Stop Propelling

By Jan Baumgartner

“Women, Latinos Propel Clinton to First Place,”
“Vote of Women Propels Clinton in Nevada Caucus,” New York Times

According to an unnamed propeller, Democratic candidate and presidential hopeful, Hillary Rodham Clinton, was being treated at an undisclosed hospital after suffering minor scrapes and bruises, as well as an overall feeling of queasiness after a bout of non-stop propelling.

Clinton, airborne for some 36 hours, was light headed and bruised after the women-minority handling, which left her swollen and on the verge of vomiting, but was otherwise in good spirits after learning that she had broken the Guinness Book of World Records for time spent being airborne by human propellants.

Witnesses at the scene said that they were under the impression that by physically propelling Clinton, she would be assured a victory in the primaries and caucuses. Sadly, most of those involved in the good-spirited melee didn’t realize they had to vote in order to “lift” Clinton to victory.

“This is indeed a sad day,” said one propeller organizer. We thought that by grabbing hold of Hillary, boosting her up on a train of women and Latino hands and then tossing her with reckless abandon into the air, not only were we showing our support for Clinton, but guaranteeing her a seat in the winner’s circle. Instead, we find out she is sporting ice packs on her hindquarters and unable to eat solid foods. We just wanted to show our support and that Hillary really is a fun loving gal.”

One propeller was not so forgiving. “If I had feckin known that all I had to do was check a box, I wouldn’t have strained my wrists by lobbing this woman into the stratosphere. She’s no Nicole Richie, if you know what I mean. She’s a real ball buster, and I’ve got the pulled groin to show for it.”

Another chimed in, “this is bulls**t! Don’t go throwin’ around these bogus journalista metaphors at the common folk. If you say “propel” then we’re going to feckin propel. If you mean in an intangible woo-woo sense, than spit it out. I’m fricken tired and didn’t particularly need to see Clinton’s underpants while in flight. If I had seen them beforehand, I wouldn’t have ‘propelled’ her to victory. I would have voted for Kucinich.”


A native Californian, Jan Baumgartner is a freelance writer currently living in Maine. Her background includes scriptwriting, comedy writing for the Northern California Emmy Awards, and travel writing for The New York Times. She has been a grantwriter in the non-profit sector in the fields of AIDS, academia, wildlife research/conservation for NGO’s in both the U.S. and Kenya. Her articles and essays have appeared in numerous online and print publications.

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