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Lyndon Hood: NZ Politics - The Text Adventure

Scoop Satire: NZ Politics - The Text Adventure

Satire by Lyndon Hood


Click to enlarge

***

You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door.

There is a small mailbox here.

> open mailbox

Opening the mailbox reveals a leaflet.

> get leaflet

Taken.

> examine leaflet

I see nothing special about the leaflet.

> See if leaflet breaches electoral finance act

I don't understand that.

> You're not the only one.

I don't understand that.

> Was it paid out of the pockets of everyday New Zealanders?

I don't understand that.

> Attack the government with leaflet.

I can't see a government here.

> That just goes to show how out of touch Helen Clark and Michael Cullen are! They've had nine long years to do something about this and they've done nothing because they don't care. They just sit around rewriting country tunes and laughing about petrol prices while hard-working kiwis have their surgery cancelled.

***

YOU ARE IN A MAZE OF TWISTY LITTLE PASSAGES, ALL ALIKE

> go left

A HUGE GREEN FIERCE SNAKE BARS THE WAY!

> kill snake

WITH WHAT? YOUR BARE HANDS?

> slap snake with 'slippery' tag

THE TAG STICKS TO THE SNAKE. YOU HAVE INJURED THE SNAKE.

> slap snake with 'slippery' tag

YOU ALREADY DID THAT

> slap snake with 'slippery' tag

NOTHING HAPPENS

> slap snake with 'slippery' tag

NOTHING HAPPENS

> slippery slippery slippery slippery

NOTHING HAPPENS

> slip-slip-slip-slippery

YOU HAVE BEEN EATEN BY THE SNAKE.

NEW GAME? (Y/N)

> explain snake was suffering from confusion

***

***

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

> blame media

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

> blame immigration

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

> accuse keith locke of supporting cambodian genocide

You have been eaten by a Grue!

New game? (Y/N)

> now listen i don't know what your implying but if had any experience at all you'd know i understand this and you don't and you'd know what happens when the so-called commentariat try to write me off for months and months before an election but do you see a retraction oh no and what does the minister think of that?

New game? (Y/N)

> stupid computer

***

You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door.

There is a small mailbox here.

> Liken house to state house I was raised in.

Likened.

> go right

You can't go that way.

> go center

Nothing happens.

> go center

Nothing happens.

> cut taxes

What do you want to cut the taxes with?

> cut takes with axe

You can't do that yet.

> write press release attacking government

You write a press release.

> send press release to media

There is no internet access here.

> roll out fibre network to white house

***

There is a Troll here.

> kill troll with explosive exposée

You attack the troll with the exposée. The troll ignores you.

> write press releases elucidating aspects of exposée arguably related to troll

Nothing happens.

> I'll have you know I'm a #1 bestselling author

Nothing happens.

> I could have got an injunction against my book too if I'd wanted one

Nothing happens.

*********

Also this week on the web:

  • Right To Smack, the website dedicated to a parent's right to lovingly beat their children as part of good parental correction.
  • Flat Earth NZ chapter reaches out to climate skeptics

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