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Lyndon Hood: Emitting Sector Excluded From ETS

Scoop Satire: Emitting Sector To Be Excluded From Emission Trading Scheme

Satire by Lyndon Hood


Carbie the Loveable Carbon Emission. Everyone loves Carbie.
You might remember him from earlier in the endless, endless argument.

Emissions Trading: Frequently Asked Questions

Why do we have an Emissions Trading Scheme?

If New Zealand wants to maintain its edge as a clean, green nation, we urgently need to pretend as hard as we can to take decisive action on climate change.

How does the Emissions Trading Scheme work?

The basic idea is to provide a system where polluters can either
* buy rights to produce a quantity of greenhouse gasses from people who reduce those gasses, or
* pay for the cost to New Zealand under the Kyoto Treaty that their emissions cause.

Why is the Government changing the scheme?

Apparently putting an economic cost on emissions costs emitters money. This is opposed by both major parties.

What changes has the Government made for the transport sector?

The inclusion of liquid transport fuels in the emissions trading regime has been delayed from 1 January 2009 to 1 January 2011.

So how long will the ETS have to take effect on oil consumption?

The first Kyoto period ends in 2012.

Gosh. We'll have to move quickly.

Just as well we're all driving cars.

So who will be included in the scheme in 2009?

From what I hear, forestry.

Nobody else?

Also, the smurgle industry, a major greenhouse-gas-emitting sector which I have just made up. So no, just forestry.

Just forestry then?

Unless they get a delay too.

So who will the foresters trade credits with?

Smurglers?

What other changes is the Government proposing?

Under the scheme the Government provides a certain amount of free credits to people who are currently emitting greenhouse gases to ease the transition. The phase-out of these free allocations has been delayed by five years. Basically the Government has extended its grandparenting of present emitters.

Interesting figure of speech - what do you mean by 'grandparenting'?

Most probably the phrase arises from grandparents' habit of spoiling their grandchildren by giving them whatever they ask for. Although it might have to do with the drooling and babbling incoherently, the general inactivity of very old people or the grandparentee's habit of ignoring anything the grandparenter says.

When will the phase out begin now?

2018.

When will it end?

About seven elections from now. Provided there are no political upheavals in the meantime.

Doesn't all that mean the ETS won't actually make a difference to carbon emissions?

See 'Why do we have an Emissions Trading Scheme?' above.

I heard global warming is bunk anyway.

Don't you start.

What about the Heartland Institute's list of 500 scientists? Does that show anything?

It shows the Heartland Institute knows the names of 500 scientists.

Would 'Carbon Sequestration' help?

That's the idea that we might 'sequester' or seal off carbon emissions where they can't get into the atmosphere. The kind of people who find coal sexy hope one day we might be able to burn all the oil we like, collect the gas and hide it in holes in the ground.

Caves?

No, that's what the Government does every time it has to implement a proper climate change policy.

So what did Helen Clark get that UN award for again?

Hot air.

********

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