Lyndon Hood: Nat Email Hacked In Parallel Universe
Scientists Discover Parallel Universe Where Hager Hacked Nat EmailsSatire by Lyndon Hood
The World X equivalent of Nicky Hager (Artist's impression)
New Zealand scientists announced today that they have made observations of life in a strange parallel universe. Dubbed "World X", they describe it as like our own, from identical rules of physics to a planet with individuals "eerily similar" to those of earth. However, such coincidences are overwhelmed one particularly glaring difference. In World X, the idea that Nicky Hager obtains his internal National Party documents by hacking into Parliament's email servers is in fact supported by the available evidence.
The dimesion-shattering scientific breakthrough has come as part of joint research by GNS Science, NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory and, for reasons that are currently unclear, AgReseach.
"When we discovered World X's sky was purple and all the machines were steam-driven contraptions with brass cogs and so on, well I thought that was pretty odd," said Jack O'Neill of GNS, "But the email thing? Woah!"
"Here, in the real world, to claim that Hager's emails were hacked - rather than, for example, leaked - is a wild conspiracy theory. Or, if presented by someone who should know better, it's the shallow pretence of a wild conspiracy theory. But, in the freaky parallel universe of World X, not only does Hager have nothing but material sourced from emails, not only would Hager actually need to hack the emails to get hold of that material, but it also really seems like hacking is the best explanation of how he got them. Also, in World X pizza grows on trees."
Investigations by the World X National Party and World X Police have found more than no evidence whatsoever of hacking and have implicated World X Hager. But no action has been taken for fear of World X Hager's hacking skills and journalism ability. In World X journalism is a force of such massive potential power that most in the media fear to use it and instead just repeat what people tell them.
Plans to send a volunteer to contact World X are currently under development. But O'Neill said that the hacking discovery has given rise to safety concerns.
"We're still working to understand how such a thing can happen without the universe in question collapsing under the weight of its own silliness."