Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 

Lyndon Hood: Protest Briefs

Protest Briefs

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Truckies Win General Election

In a General Election held over the weekend, the Protesting Truck Drivers achieved a landslide victory.

"We weren't supposed to have an election for a while yet," explained New Zealand today, "but I suppose we all just got caught up in the general enthusiasm of it all. Trucks are cool! Honk honk! Plus, they got me the morning off work."

The Protesting Truck Driver Government's first action will be to pass legislation that Road User Charges shouldn't be very high. They will also formalise their policy of serving as a focal point for the simmering resentment of the electorate.

No other policies have been developed, but the Truckies assert they have a mandate to "fix the economy, stop crime, make more electricity and lower cheese prices and also petrol prices".

Other clues to policy direction include the fact Road Transport Forum chief executive Tony Friedlander was a National MP for 12 years.

In response to claims the Truckies' election was suspicious, Friedlander said he was certain it was legitimate. "Who do you think transports the ballot papers?"

***

Protestors March Against Annette King

A crowd of approximately ten thousand people marched from Palmerston North to Bulls yesterday in protest against the Government's mishandling of the Law Commission, Annette King's other portfolio. King is also Minister of Transport, Justice and Police.

Organisers explained that they "thought it was a game" and were hoping to win a prize for completing the set.

Responding to the widely-supported protest action, King said something that somehow made things vaguely worse.

In other news, a Christchurch man is currently considering a hikoi to his Television set to protest his lost remote control.

***

McVicar welcomes Peter Low to "Hardline Punishment Lobbyists With Some Really Kooky Opinions" Club

Garth McVicar, spokesman for the Sensible Sentencing Trust today welcomed reports that Peter Low, organiser of the Asian Anti-Crime march, was proposing the use of Triads for crime protection.

"Now I have someone to play with!" said McVicar.

McVicar, who is a "character", has previously promoted the belief that crime is cause by welfare, asserted that a guy who stabbed someone was "a decent hard working citizen is facing a murder charge because of his frustration over [tagging]" and is given to asking rhetorical questions like “Who are the real criminals, those committing the crime – or [someone else]?” in way that suggests he's thinking of the latter.

In response to Low's Triad suggestion, McVicar said, "Who are the real criminals, those who commit the crime, those who hire other, unrelated international gangsters in reponse to the criminals committing the crime, the academics and liberals who complain about this arrangement, the third-party criminals who I mentioned earlier or the politicians under whom crime continues to exist?"

***

Mark Resolves Thorny PR Issue

Fears that New Zealand First would be forced to remain silent on the recent "Asian Anti-Crime March" were dispelled today.

It was speculated that the party would be robbed of the chance to endorse the march's hardline anti-crime stance, as doing so would also involve supporting Asians. However law and order spokesperson Ron Mark today revealed his press statement, which deftly satisfies all New Zealand First's election-year requirements.

The release, which begins

New Zealand First says the best way for the Asian community to fight crime in Auckland is to expose the people among them responsible for flooding New Zealand with methamphetamine.
is available now.

********

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Scoop HiveMind Project: Universal Basic Income - Are We Up For It?

This is an opportunity for you as one of the 4 million potential funders and recipients of a Universal Basic Income to collectively consider the issue:
1. Is UBI is a desirable policy for New Zealand; and
2. How should a UBI system work in practice. More>>

ALSO:

Lyndon Hood: National Announces Plan To Hit Youth With Big Mallets

The National party has announced its youth justice policy, which includes a controversial plan for recidivist serious youth offenders to be hit over the head with a comically large rubber mallet. More>>

ALSO:

Lyndon Hood: This ->

It's been brought to my attention that Labour's new campaign slogan is "Let's do this". A collective call to action. A mission. I myself was halfway out of the couch before I realised I wasn't sure what it was I was supposed to do. More>>

ALSO:

Scoop Hivemind Report: What New Zealanders Think About Affordable Housing

Ordinary citizens have had very few venues where they can debate and discuss as to what they believe has led to the crisis in affordable housing and how we might begin to address this. The HiveMind on affordable housing was about redressing the balance. More>>

ALSO:

New Hivemind Exploration: Opening The Election - Freshwater Quality

This is an opportunity for you as one of the 4 million guardians of our common water resources to help us find mutually agreeable solutions to the critical task of collectively managing these resources for health and sustainability. More>>

ALSO: