Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search


How You Know Gitmo Inmates Will Get Fair Trials

How You Know Gitmo Inmates Will Get Fair Trials

by Sherwood Ross

The system of military justice President Bush has cooked up for the forthcoming Gitmo trials is unique in the annals of global jurisprudence. I only hope prisoners appreciate all that he's done for them to make sure they have a sporting chance to win their cases.

First, by keeping them from meeting with lawyers for five years, he's protected them from contamination by this most undesirable element in American society. Indeed, no inmate has been billed for a single hour. Prisoners are way better off than most Americans, who can't pay their credit card bills.

Second, inmates who got fooled when the Pentagon sent in intelligence agents to pose as their lawyers will know enough to demand to see their trial lawyer's ACLU card. Guards will no longer be able to whisper in prisoners’ ears, “I hope you know those two lawyers you just saw were Jewish.”

Third, by having only a few bureaucrats to process many lawyers’ applications to defend inmates, the Pentagon has taught inmates patience. Those that complain they’ve already waited six years will be reminded millions of Americans have been waiting eight years to just to throw out some trash.

Fourth, by denying prisoners the right to confront witnesses that will only say terrible things about them, Bush's unique rules will keep prisoners from becoming needlessly upset.

Fifth, after surviving waterboarding efforts to get them to talk, defendants will receive a free, autographed copy of Dick Cheney's book, "I Was God's Confessor"(Blackwater Books). It will bolster their spirits.

Sixth, after having survived non-stop questioning for days at a time, defendants will be tough enough to laugh in prosecutors' faces: "You call that a question?"

Seventh, and having been subjected to vicious, slobbering attack dogs in jail, inmates will enter the courtroom unafraid of prosecutors. With a Judge looking on, they could jeer, "Bite my leg, go on, I dare you."

Eighth, not allowed under Bush rules to tell the Judge of the tortures they endured, they won’t come across as a bunch of nasty, little whiners.

Ninth, having had their beards forcibly shaved off, they can better tell the Judge, "My hero was always John Wayne, never Osama bin Laden. Oh, why, in Allah's name, wouldn't they let me rent 'True Grit'?"

Finally, acquitted defendants will be allowed to enter the U.S. and have the honor of working two or three menial jobs in order to support themselves. Those that were hooded for long periods of time will have earned points toward membership in the Ku Klux Klan as well. Mississippi welcomes you!


(Reach author Sherwood Ross at

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Any Questions: Scoop Launches New Q&A Website

It’s an easy way to find out party positions and allows you to view candidates’ answers side by side. It’s also a way for you to make your voice heard this election, and get the parties talking about the things that are important to you. More>>


Scoop HiveMind Project: Universal Basic Income - Are We Up For It?

This is an opportunity for you as one of the 4 million potential funders and recipients of a Universal Basic Income to collectively consider the issue:
1. Is UBI is a desirable policy for New Zealand; and
2. How should a UBI system work in practice. More>>


Lyndon Hood: National Announces Plan To Hit Youth With Big Mallets

The National party has announced its youth justice policy, which includes a controversial plan for recidivist serious youth offenders to be hit over the head with a comically large rubber mallet. More>>


Lyndon Hood: This ->

It's been brought to my attention that Labour's new campaign slogan is "Let's do this". A collective call to action. A mission. I myself was halfway out of the couch before I realised I wasn't sure what it was I was supposed to do. More>>


Scoop Hivemind Report: What New Zealanders Think About Affordable Housing

Ordinary citizens have had very few venues where they can debate and discuss as to what they believe has led to the crisis in affordable housing and how we might begin to address this. The HiveMind on affordable housing was about redressing the balance. More>>


New Hivemind Exploration: Opening The Election - Freshwater Quality

This is an opportunity for you as one of the 4 million guardians of our common water resources to help us find mutually agreeable solutions to the critical task of collectively managing these resources for health and sustainability. More>>