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Lyndon Hood: The Week In Toxication

The Week In Toxication

Satire by Lyndon Hood

molotov cocktail,
liquor law reform
Created using image by Takeaway

"I would there were no age between sixteen and three-and-twenty, or that youth would sleep out the rest; for there is nothing in the between but getting wenches with child, wronging the ancientry, stealing, fighting"
A Winter's Tale

Sorry if this seems unconnected. Got hammered playing the policy announcement drinking game.

"Minister basically admits meaningful measures could have damaged standing with crucial, massive 'drunk' vote." Consume.

"Satirist complains of demarcation due to the above." Consume.

And it's true. Most New Zealanders don't have a drinking problem. We're really good at drinking.

John Key explains casinos would be allowed to keep their bars open at all hours was all right because people are primarily there to gamble.

Demarcation. Consume.

Incomplete list of other venues whose patrons' primary purpose is not drinking:
• Strip bars.

I'm just going to take all these tiny paragraphs and call it opinion writing for the Twitter generation. Style problems fixed.

Govt recognizes need to reduce alcohol-related harm. Such as what Police, Fire Service and Defence Force might do to us if we took away their unregulated bars.

Actually, that doesn't seem fair. They should be made to put up those posters like everyone else.

That's the current extent of licensing law, right? You have to put up those posters?

In fairness, if I spent all day fighting crime and putting out fires and shooting guns, I would want to be drunk when I was doing it.

No, that's not fair. I'd want to be hung over.

Just kidding, right. We're buddies yeah? Love you, man. Gizza hug.

Now, as far as I'm concerned there's nothing wrong with announcing you're gonna consult an expert group, as long as it's not ideologically stacked. But when it happens I still have to take a drink.

Key on casinos again: "Like it or not, casinos everywhere stay open all night. Except for the one that don't."

Okay, definitely feeling a bit sozzled now.

Couple of dozen more might put me over the driving limit.

Lucky I'm not this in a month or so, or I'd have to pay extra consumption tax.

Initially I thought the increase in consumption tax was to stop Edwardian waifs picturesquely coughing to death. Turns out, it's a GST hike.

So the idea with those new Iwi/Kiwi billboards is pretty much "sure we were wrong last time, and that's exactly why you should panic now. Look out! He's wearing a feather cloak!"

Interesting bit of statistics: when all the low income earners get fired it drives up the average weekly wage. But in the billboard case, it's 'my tendency to make snarky comments' that has just become redundant.

"So how about that ACT Party then?"

Okay, so we're out of Lion Brown. If anyone needs to offload some of those full-strength RTDs before the law changes…

This is obviously why they call it a "session" of Parliament. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Heather Roy should harden up. The locked-room death matches are what makes the Westminster system great.

I wish to point out a spelling mistake. Rodney Hide is listed as Leader of ACT. But the German for 'regrettably' is Leider and it's also pronounced differently.


Drinking game going really badly. Off to drown sorrows.


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