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Scoop Satire: A Tea Ceremony

A Tea Ceremony

Satire by Lyndon Hood
Hat-tip to the Listener Live Blog
Epsom, symbolic cup
of tea, election

[JOHN 1 and JOHN 2 enter a cafe, bow to each other, and sit in facing seats at a cafe table.]

WAITER: Can I help you?

JOHN 1
: I would like a Symbolic Cup Of Tea.

JOHN 2
: I too would like a Symbolic Cup Of Tea.

[Waiter bows. Waiter opens a cupboard and removes a Key Ring. Waiter unlocks a Safe which contains a small Gong. Waiter places Gong beside Espresso Machine and Strikes the Gong once.]

[Camera flash.]

J1: It is an Auspicious Day.

J2
: It is Two-Weeks-From-The-Election Eve.

J1
: Any policy released after this day is officially We Don't Want The Voters To Think Too Hard About This.

J2
: It is nice to Take A Break From Campaigning Out Of The Sun.

J1
: Yes. It is Very Shady Here In Epsom.

J2
: Epsom is symbolic of Scared White People.

J1
: Your Name is symbolic of Stopping Things Leaking Out The Side.

J2
: Your Name is symbolic of A Potential Opening.

W
: I have brought you Your Tea.

[Camera flash.]

W: Tea Sounds Like T.

J1
: T stands for Treason.

J2
: T stands for Train Wreck.

W
: Because it is a Symbolic Cup Of Tea it does not have to Actually Be Tea.

J1
: I am having a Flat White.

J2
: I am having a Corned Beef Smoothie. I have Been Told They Are Nice Here.

W
: The Credibility Of John Banks Drinking A Corned Beef Smoothie is symbolic of The Credibility Of John Banks Representing The ACT Party's Principles.

[J1 & J2 sniff the Tea.]

J1 & J2: Mmm Lovely.

J2
: My Mum always said If You Can See The Bottom It's Not A Proper Cup Of Tea.

J1
: I Cannot See The Bottom Twenty Per Cent.

J2
: The only bottom I can see is the Bottom Of The Barrel.

J1&J2
: It is a Proper Cup Of Tea.

[J1 & J2 theatrically indicate the extreme heat of the Tea.]

W: The Tea is Very Hot because You Might Both Get Burned.

J1
: The Tea is Very Hot because If You Cannot Stand The Heat Get Out Of The Kitchen.

W
: That is the Metaphorical Kitchen not the Symbolic Kitchen. In the Symbolic Kitchen, Out The Back, A Lot Of People Work Hard For Not Much in Horrible Conditions and Fell Lucky For What They Can Get. For the purposes of this Symbolic Cup Of Tea we will Ignore The People In The Kitchen.

W
: Too Hot is also symbolic of Baby Bear's Porridge.

[Camera flash.]

[A Starving Sparrow lands on the Table.]

J1: The Sparrow is hoping for Crumbs.

J2
: If You Feed Them It Only Encourages Them.

J1 & J2
: Get away from our Table, Sparrow.

[The Sparrow dies of Shame.]

W: I have brought you Your Little Spoons.

J1
: The Little Spoon is symbolic of a Long Spoon.

J2
: The Little Spoon is symbolic of a Bent Spoon.

W
: I have brought you Your Sugar. It is not Fair Trade.

J1
: The grains of the Sugar and symbolic of Crushed Hopes For Less Authoritarian Politics.

J2
: This Spoon Of Sugar is symbolic of My Personal Election Year Lolly Scramble.

W
: I have brought you Your Milk. It is not Organic.

J1
: The Saucer Catching The Drips As I Pour The Milk is symbolic of ACT's Stability As A Helpful Coalition Partner.

J2
: The Motion Of Poured Milk In The Tea is symbolic of ACT's Stability In Every Other Way.

J2
: I will Stir the Tea.

J1
: I will Spin the Tea.

[Camera flash.]

J1: This Milk has Curdled.

W
: The Curdled Milk is symbolic of We May Have Got This Water Out Of A New Zealand River.

J2
: This Milk has Split.

W
: The Split Milk is symbolic of a Split Vote.

J2
: I Do Not Like this Milk.

J1 & J2
: We will Drink The Tea And Pretend We Enjoy It.

[Camera flash.]

W: The Pinky Finger Extended Forwards is symbolic of Pointing To The Person You Are Supporting In This Election.

J1
: The Pinky Finger is also symbolic of the Shaft I am giving to My Party's Candidate.

W
: The Difficulty Swallowing is symbolic of Economic Projections.

[Camera flash.]

J1: This Tea has left a Bitter Taste In My Mouth.

J2
: I Quite Liked It.

W
: Will there be Anything Else?

J1
: You Don't Know The Half Of It.

[J1 and J2 stand. They shake hands.]

[Camera flash.]

W: If that were Don Brash it would be Symbolic of Death And The Maiden.

J2
: I Do Not Know anyone called Don Brash.

W
: Here is Your Bill. The Bill is symbolic of Hoping To Come Out Ahead But Paying A Steep Price For It.

[J2 theatrically pats his pockets.]

J2: Oh Dear.

J1
: Do you not have your Credit Card?

J2
: I have Left My Wallet Somewhere.

W
: The Wallet is symbolic of Credibility.

J1
: Do Not Worry, I shall Get This One.

W
: The National Party is assumed to be a Better Economic Manager.

J1 & J2
: No Evidence Is Needed.

[J1 produces cash.]

[Camera flash.]

J1: I will Pay for My Tea with this Money.

[Waiter puts Hand out with a Bow. J1 touches the Money to the Hand then takes the Money back.]

J1: I will also Pay for His Tea with This Money.

W
: You Cannot Spend The Same Money Twice.

J1
: It is Money I will get from Floating State Owned Assets.

W
: Oh. That is All Right Then.

J1
: There is No Tip. We All Have To Make Sacrifices.

[Waiter Strikes the Gong, twice.]

W: You are my Best Customer.

[Camera flash.]

********

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