Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


US Election Results in Chaos: 4 Yr Old Redraws Electoral Map

US Election Results in Chaos as Four Year Old Redraws Electoral Map

by Daniel Patrick Welch
November 8, 2012

The results of the US presidential election, at first considered clear and decisive, were thrown into utter chaos late Wednesday morning as a new electoral college map appeared at an independent primary school on the outskirts of Boston. "We were just coloring in the maps," said the young boy's teacher, "and he goofed."

The mistake, innocent though it was, is already having wide ranging implications. Ohio and Wisconsin, once considered solid "blue" victories, were instead colored in red. Although West Virginia and Kentucky were mistakenly filled in blue, the difference was not enough to change the result back to the map voters saw when they went to bed the night before. The astute youngster quickly realized his mistake, saying only "I thought these were supposed to be blue and those were supposed to be red. Oops."

With that one word, [name redacted] elevated himself to the eloquence of erstwhile GOP candidate Rick Perry, whose similar 'oops' during one debate earned him the support of several close friends and family members. And with such a straightforward explanation of the new electoral map, observers far and wide realized the boy must be onto something.

The Carter Center, long a critic of the abomination that is the US election system, immediately issued a statement urging support for the new map on the grounds that it is likely to be at least as reliable as the official result. "We always felt that four-year-olds were best positioned to understand the US' arcane electoral college setup," said the former President and now champion of "democracy." [Note: definitions vary on this quaint and archaic notion. Some sources refer to it as a form of government, others as 'a type of Greek pastry.' --Ed] "They're they only ones who can make any sense out of it."

What could happen next is anyone's guess. No organization or political faction has yet stepped forward to claim responsibility for the mishap, though speculation is rife among rife speculationists that the young lad may be on the payroll of one of the CIA's jihadist mischief-making factions. Confusion reigned in Washington as well, where outgoing Secretary of State Hilary Clinton just can't figure out who should be bombed as a result of the election fracas. "There are so many targets, and so little time…" she mused.

In the spirit of bipartisanship, Clinton received support from unexptected quarters in the form of a warm statement from former Sectretary of Everything and noted War Criminal Henry Kissinger. "We don't always agree, but she usually bombs the right people," said the aging genocidal maniac. "I mean, we all basically follow the same rules. In fact, I was quite touched to hear that when Hil is stuck for a solution, she and her advisers ask themselves 'Who would Henry bomb?'"

Florida officials may have inadvertently caused the confusion by going to bed instead of finishing their vote count on Tuesday night. "He just woke up from nap and thought he was supposed to finish it," said King's teacher. "He's a very precocious young man." Russian and Chinese interests so far are cautiously silent on the matter. More later as it develops.

ENDS

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Gordon Campbell: On Trump And The Madman Theory

Years ago, Richard Nixon explained to his chief adviser Bob Haldeman what has since become known as the “Madman Theory” of foreign policy. Basically, if America’s rivals could be reminded that Nixon was an unstable, rabid anti-Communist with his finger on the nuclear trigger, Nixon reasoned, then maybe they’d be less willing to challenge the US in the world’s hot spots… More>>

Australia And The South China Sea: Another Foreign Policy Blunder Looming

James O’Neill: The overblown rhetoric from the United States has led at least one commentator to describe so-called ‘analyses’ of the South China Sea situation as “the biggest load of analytical rubbish about South East Asia to emerge since the CIA mistook bee feces for a Soviet-supplied biological weapon in 1981.” More>>

People's Candidates: A Peaceful Political Revolution Begins In France

Alastair Thompson profiles Philippe Mazuel one of 86 largely unknown political contenders who stepped up to become the "People's Candidate" for France's 2017 Presidential election. More>>

Gordon Campbell: On Whether Donald Trump Has Peaked

Perhaps come August, when the Republicans will finally get to anoint their candidate at their convention in Cleveland, Trump’s fortunes will have waned and the delegate count will be sufficiently deadlocked as to create a ‘contested convention’ whereby the party might then be able to turn to a different, dark horse candidate… Dream on. More>>

ALSO:

Max Rashbrooke At 'Future Of Work' Conference: Labour: Lions Or Pussycats?

So far the debate generated by Labour’s conference has been about the universal basic income (UBI), a guaranteed annual payment to every adult regardless of status. It’s probably the big new idea in this field and has proponents across the political spectrum. But Labour won’t actually go there soon ... More>>

ALSO:

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news