Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


US Election Results in Chaos: 4 Yr Old Redraws Electoral Map

US Election Results in Chaos as Four Year Old Redraws Electoral Map

by Daniel Patrick Welch
November 8, 2012

The results of the US presidential election, at first considered clear and decisive, were thrown into utter chaos late Wednesday morning as a new electoral college map appeared at an independent primary school on the outskirts of Boston. "We were just coloring in the maps," said the young boy's teacher, "and he goofed."

The mistake, innocent though it was, is already having wide ranging implications. Ohio and Wisconsin, once considered solid "blue" victories, were instead colored in red. Although West Virginia and Kentucky were mistakenly filled in blue, the difference was not enough to change the result back to the map voters saw when they went to bed the night before. The astute youngster quickly realized his mistake, saying only "I thought these were supposed to be blue and those were supposed to be red. Oops."

With that one word, [name redacted] elevated himself to the eloquence of erstwhile GOP candidate Rick Perry, whose similar 'oops' during one debate earned him the support of several close friends and family members. And with such a straightforward explanation of the new electoral map, observers far and wide realized the boy must be onto something.

The Carter Center, long a critic of the abomination that is the US election system, immediately issued a statement urging support for the new map on the grounds that it is likely to be at least as reliable as the official result. "We always felt that four-year-olds were best positioned to understand the US' arcane electoral college setup," said the former President and now champion of "democracy." [Note: definitions vary on this quaint and archaic notion. Some sources refer to it as a form of government, others as 'a type of Greek pastry.' --Ed] "They're they only ones who can make any sense out of it."

What could happen next is anyone's guess. No organization or political faction has yet stepped forward to claim responsibility for the mishap, though speculation is rife among rife speculationists that the young lad may be on the payroll of one of the CIA's jihadist mischief-making factions. Confusion reigned in Washington as well, where outgoing Secretary of State Hilary Clinton just can't figure out who should be bombed as a result of the election fracas. "There are so many targets, and so little time…" she mused.

In the spirit of bipartisanship, Clinton received support from unexptected quarters in the form of a warm statement from former Sectretary of Everything and noted War Criminal Henry Kissinger. "We don't always agree, but she usually bombs the right people," said the aging genocidal maniac. "I mean, we all basically follow the same rules. In fact, I was quite touched to hear that when Hil is stuck for a solution, she and her advisers ask themselves 'Who would Henry bomb?'"

Florida officials may have inadvertently caused the confusion by going to bed instead of finishing their vote count on Tuesday night. "He just woke up from nap and thought he was supposed to finish it," said King's teacher. "He's a very precocious young man." Russian and Chinese interests so far are cautiously silent on the matter. More later as it develops.

ENDS

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Gordon Campbell: On The Crisis In Greece

Greece, as the cradle of democracy, is getting no brownie points for actually practicing it. The decision by the Greek government to go back to the people for a mandate for the bailout terms being proposed by the Eurozone seems entirely appropriate. More>>

ALSO:

Stories Of Scoop: Alastair Thompson, Scoop Media & The Cost Of Free Journalism

How does a news organization that cares about authentic journalism and has a mission to effect “positive change” continue to operate in these times of derivative storytelling when advertising dollars are no longer determined by the quality of editorial content? More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The Pope’s Encyclical On Climate Change

The spread of market mechanisms into every facet of life – as health, education and the environment get treated as mere commodities – has seen economic efficiency worshipped in its own right as a totem, and as a substitute for morality. The Laudato Si encyclical issued today by Pope Francis on climate change and the environment goes some away to restoring a sane balance. More>>

ALSO:

Scoop Turns Sixteen: How Scoop's “Ethical Paywall” Model Has Changed Everything

As of this month, a broad range of professional organisations, including constitutional institutions, government agencies & departments, NGOs, Unions, CRIs, law firms, PR agencies, accountancy firms, media organisations, libraries and businesses - all of which make regular use of Scoop in their daily work and for professional research - have joined Scoop’s new “Ethical Paywall” copyright licensing scheme. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell:
On The Sepp Blatter Resignation

Any initial elation at Sepp Blatter’s resignation as the overlord of FIFA will be tempered by his declared intention to stay on until at least December and possibly March 2016, to enable his successor to be elected. Has FIFA got no existing succession plan that could kick in before this? More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The FIFA Scandal, And Similar Dirty Deal

With the US now investigating FIFA’s racketeering and money-laundering activities and the Swiss also looking at the bribes that went into the choice of Russia and Qatar as upcoming FIFA venues, the capos at FIFA are taking the fall for the boss of all bosses, Sepp Blatter - who has somehow been blissfully unaware of the dirty payoffs and extortion rackets conducted on his watch ... More>>

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news