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Lyndon Hood: Seasonal Recipes (Politics Edition)

Seasonal Recipes (Politics Edition)

Satire by Lyndon Hood
beehive, cookbook,
edmonds, sure to rise

With our easy step-by-step political instructions you can prepare your own Barmecide's feast at home: "Just like a Government made it!"™

To prepare Fact Soup

Pare a generous helping of your choice of facts (environment or transport facts work well). Old ones are fine, or ask your scientist or statistician to source some fresh.

In a small saucepan, heat as much oil as you can find. Add the facts one by one and fry them until crisp (some of the less robust facts may crumble at this stage).

Once the facts float to the surface, turn up the heat and blacken them as much as possible. (Do not allow the oil to catch fire: the aim here is to generate more heat than light.)

Remove the facts from the oil, drain on a paper towel and throw them out.

Drink the oil.

To prepare a Trade Deal

Ingredients vary; it doesn't matter what goes in as long as you include milk. Keep covered in a dark place until the smell is overpowering.

To prepare a Compensation Surprise

Anoint a retired Canadian supreme court judge and place in a Bain marie, along with a litre of chicken stock, your reputation as a sensible justice minister as opposed to a human-rights-hating maniac, cinnamon, mixed spice, nutmeg and due process to taste.

Close the lid and simmer for two years. (That's you simmering, not the ingredients.)

The contents will now be in a state of quantum uncertainty. During the cooking time there is a 50% chance the retired judge will undergo radioactive decay, changing from a distinguished jurist into an untrustworthy madman who couldn't review a pantomime let alone a legal case.

WARNING: If you attempt to lift the lid early, the whole thing will explode, bathing the area in unclear radiation. It will probably explode anyway but at least if you don't tamper it won't be exploding in your face and you might not catch so much fallout.

Once cooking is complete, stand well back or leave as practical joke for your successor.

Should the result be unpalatable, make a meal of it by serving crushed and wrapped in a flaky vanilla peer review. And/or repeat the whole process until the desired outcome is achieved (ie you become the next National Prime Minister).

To prepare Education Mess (often called a Ministerial Fool)

In a glass, combine whipped cream, crushed meringue and Hekia Parata. (The cream and the meringue are optional.)

Serve in the middle of a slow motion train wreck.


Got feedback? Leave a comment on Lyndon's blog!

You can follow @lyndonhood on Twitter.

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