Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Lyndon Hood: Seasonal Recipes (Politics Edition)

Seasonal Recipes (Politics Edition)

Satire by Lyndon Hood
beehive, cookbook,
edmonds, sure to rise

With our easy step-by-step political instructions you can prepare your own Barmecide's feast at home: "Just like a Government made it!"™


To prepare Fact Soup

Pare a generous helping of your choice of facts (environment or transport facts work well). Old ones are fine, or ask your scientist or statistician to source some fresh.

In a small saucepan, heat as much oil as you can find. Add the facts one by one and fry them until crisp (some of the less robust facts may crumble at this stage).

Once the facts float to the surface, turn up the heat and blacken them as much as possible. (Do not allow the oil to catch fire: the aim here is to generate more heat than light.)

Remove the facts from the oil, drain on a paper towel and throw them out.

Drink the oil.


To prepare a Trade Deal

Ingredients vary; it doesn't matter what goes in as long as you include milk. Keep covered in a dark place until the smell is overpowering.


To prepare a Compensation Surprise

Anoint a retired Canadian supreme court judge and place in a Bain marie, along with a litre of chicken stock, your reputation as a sensible justice minister as opposed to a human-rights-hating maniac, cinnamon, mixed spice, nutmeg and due process to taste.

Close the lid and simmer for two years. (That's you simmering, not the ingredients.)

The contents will now be in a state of quantum uncertainty. During the cooking time there is a 50% chance the retired judge will undergo radioactive decay, changing from a distinguished jurist into an untrustworthy madman who couldn't review a pantomime let alone a legal case.

WARNING: If you attempt to lift the lid early, the whole thing will explode, bathing the area in unclear radiation. It will probably explode anyway but at least if you don't tamper it won't be exploding in your face and you might not catch so much fallout.

Once cooking is complete, stand well back or leave as practical joke for your successor.

Should the result be unpalatable, make a meal of it by serving crushed and wrapped in a flaky vanilla peer review. And/or repeat the whole process until the desired outcome is achieved (ie you become the next National Prime Minister).


To prepare Education Mess (often called a Ministerial Fool)

In a glass, combine whipped cream, crushed meringue and Hekia Parata. (The cream and the meringue are optional.)

Serve in the middle of a slow motion train wreck.


********

Got feedback? Leave a comment on Lyndon's blog!

You can follow @lyndonhood on Twitter.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Valerie Morse: Key And NZ Police At G20: What A Contribution

While 200 New Zealand police officers are helping to repress protests outside of the G20 in Brisbane this week, John Key has been inside pushing the interests of giant multinational corporations to fast track the World Trade Organization (WTO) ... More>>

ALSO:

Gabriela Coutiño: Ayotzinapa Caravan Meets With EZLN In Oventic

In their visit to Zapatista Territory, parents of the 43 students disappeared from Ayotzinapa Guerrero, agreed with the Zapatista National Liberation Army (EZLN), to articulate a national grassroots movement that would question forced disappearances ... More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Talk Of A Third Intifada: Where To From Here, Palestine?

When a journalist tries to do a historian’s job, the outcome can be quite interesting. Using history as a side note in a brief news report or political analysis oftentimes does more harm than good. More>>

ALSO:

David Swanson: Who Says Ferguson Can't End Well

Just as a police officer in a heightened state of panic surrounded by the comfort of impunity will shoot an innocent person, the Governor of Missouri has declared a state of emergency preemptively, thus justifying violence in response to something ... More>>

Melanie Duval-Smith: Homeless Is Where The Heart Is

So, you are not allowed to feed the homeless on the streets of Florida. Last week, a 90 year old man and two Christian ministers were arrested for doing just that. I can hear the cries of the right wingers from here. “Not in our back yard”, ... More>>

John Chuckman: What We Truly Learned From the Great War and the Absurdity of Remembrance Day

No matter what high-blown claims the politicians make each year on Remembrance Day, The Great War was essentially a fight between two branches of a single royal family over the balance of power on the continent of Europe, British foreign policy holding ... More>>

Redress Information: A European Call To Suspend EU-Israel Association Agreement

More than 300 political parties, trade unions and campaign groups have called on the European Union to suspend its “association agreement” with Israel. The agreement, which came into force in 2000, facilitates largely unrestricted trade with Israel ... More>>

Ramzy Baroud: The Age Of TV Jokers: Arab Media On The Brink

As I was finalizing my research for this article, I found myself browsing through a heap of hilarious videos by mostly Egyptian TV show hosts Tawfiq Okasha and Amr Adeeb. More>>

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news