Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Lyndon Hood: Seasonal Recipes (Politics Edition)

Seasonal Recipes (Politics Edition)

Satire by Lyndon Hood
beehive, cookbook,
edmonds, sure to rise

With our easy step-by-step political instructions you can prepare your own Barmecide's feast at home: "Just like a Government made it!"™


To prepare Fact Soup

Pare a generous helping of your choice of facts (environment or transport facts work well). Old ones are fine, or ask your scientist or statistician to source some fresh.

In a small saucepan, heat as much oil as you can find. Add the facts one by one and fry them until crisp (some of the less robust facts may crumble at this stage).

Once the facts float to the surface, turn up the heat and blacken them as much as possible. (Do not allow the oil to catch fire: the aim here is to generate more heat than light.)

Remove the facts from the oil, drain on a paper towel and throw them out.

Drink the oil.


To prepare a Trade Deal

Ingredients vary; it doesn't matter what goes in as long as you include milk. Keep covered in a dark place until the smell is overpowering.


To prepare a Compensation Surprise

Anoint a retired Canadian supreme court judge and place in a Bain marie, along with a litre of chicken stock, your reputation as a sensible justice minister as opposed to a human-rights-hating maniac, cinnamon, mixed spice, nutmeg and due process to taste.

Close the lid and simmer for two years. (That's you simmering, not the ingredients.)

The contents will now be in a state of quantum uncertainty. During the cooking time there is a 50% chance the retired judge will undergo radioactive decay, changing from a distinguished jurist into an untrustworthy madman who couldn't review a pantomime let alone a legal case.

WARNING: If you attempt to lift the lid early, the whole thing will explode, bathing the area in unclear radiation. It will probably explode anyway but at least if you don't tamper it won't be exploding in your face and you might not catch so much fallout.

Once cooking is complete, stand well back or leave as practical joke for your successor.

Should the result be unpalatable, make a meal of it by serving crushed and wrapped in a flaky vanilla peer review. And/or repeat the whole process until the desired outcome is achieved (ie you become the next National Prime Minister).


To prepare Education Mess (often called a Ministerial Fool)

In a glass, combine whipped cream, crushed meringue and Hekia Parata. (The cream and the meringue are optional.)

Serve in the middle of a slow motion train wreck.


********

Got feedback? Leave a comment on Lyndon's blog!

You can follow @lyndonhood on Twitter.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Gordon Campbell: On The Crisis In Greece

Greece, as the cradle of democracy, is getting no brownie points for actually practicing it. The decision by the Greek government to go back to the people for a mandate for the bailout terms being proposed by the Eurozone seems entirely appropriate. More>>

ALSO:

Stories Of Scoop: Alastair Thompson, Scoop Media & The Cost Of Free Journalism

How does a news organization that cares about authentic journalism and has a mission to effect “positive change” continue to operate in these times of derivative storytelling when advertising dollars are no longer determined by the quality of editorial content? More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The Pope’s Encyclical On Climate Change

The spread of market mechanisms into every facet of life – as health, education and the environment get treated as mere commodities – has seen economic efficiency worshipped in its own right as a totem, and as a substitute for morality. The Laudato Si encyclical issued today by Pope Francis on climate change and the environment goes some away to restoring a sane balance. More>>

ALSO:

Scoop Turns Sixteen: How Scoop's “Ethical Paywall” Model Has Changed Everything

As of this month, a broad range of professional organisations, including constitutional institutions, government agencies & departments, NGOs, Unions, CRIs, law firms, PR agencies, accountancy firms, media organisations, libraries and businesses - all of which make regular use of Scoop in their daily work and for professional research - have joined Scoop’s new “Ethical Paywall” copyright licensing scheme. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell:
On The Sepp Blatter Resignation

Any initial elation at Sepp Blatter’s resignation as the overlord of FIFA will be tempered by his declared intention to stay on until at least December and possibly March 2016, to enable his successor to be elected. Has FIFA got no existing succession plan that could kick in before this? More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The FIFA Scandal, And Similar Dirty Deal

With the US now investigating FIFA’s racketeering and money-laundering activities and the Swiss also looking at the bribes that went into the choice of Russia and Qatar as upcoming FIFA venues, the capos at FIFA are taking the fall for the boss of all bosses, Sepp Blatter - who has somehow been blissfully unaware of the dirty payoffs and extortion rackets conducted on his watch ... More>>

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news