Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Lyndon Hood: Seasonal Recipes (Politics Edition)

Seasonal Recipes (Politics Edition)

Satire by Lyndon Hood
beehive, cookbook,
edmonds, sure to rise

With our easy step-by-step political instructions you can prepare your own Barmecide's feast at home: "Just like a Government made it!"™


To prepare Fact Soup

Pare a generous helping of your choice of facts (environment or transport facts work well). Old ones are fine, or ask your scientist or statistician to source some fresh.

In a small saucepan, heat as much oil as you can find. Add the facts one by one and fry them until crisp (some of the less robust facts may crumble at this stage).

Once the facts float to the surface, turn up the heat and blacken them as much as possible. (Do not allow the oil to catch fire: the aim here is to generate more heat than light.)

Remove the facts from the oil, drain on a paper towel and throw them out.

Drink the oil.


To prepare a Trade Deal

Ingredients vary; it doesn't matter what goes in as long as you include milk. Keep covered in a dark place until the smell is overpowering.


To prepare a Compensation Surprise

Anoint a retired Canadian supreme court judge and place in a Bain marie, along with a litre of chicken stock, your reputation as a sensible justice minister as opposed to a human-rights-hating maniac, cinnamon, mixed spice, nutmeg and due process to taste.

Close the lid and simmer for two years. (That's you simmering, not the ingredients.)

The contents will now be in a state of quantum uncertainty. During the cooking time there is a 50% chance the retired judge will undergo radioactive decay, changing from a distinguished jurist into an untrustworthy madman who couldn't review a pantomime let alone a legal case.

WARNING: If you attempt to lift the lid early, the whole thing will explode, bathing the area in unclear radiation. It will probably explode anyway but at least if you don't tamper it won't be exploding in your face and you might not catch so much fallout.

Once cooking is complete, stand well back or leave as practical joke for your successor.

Should the result be unpalatable, make a meal of it by serving crushed and wrapped in a flaky vanilla peer review. And/or repeat the whole process until the desired outcome is achieved (ie you become the next National Prime Minister).


To prepare Education Mess (often called a Ministerial Fool)

In a glass, combine whipped cream, crushed meringue and Hekia Parata. (The cream and the meringue are optional.)

Serve in the middle of a slow motion train wreck.


********

Got feedback? Leave a comment on Lyndon's blog!

You can follow @lyndonhood on Twitter.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Open Source / Open Society: The Scoop Foundation - An Open Model For NZ Media

Access to accurate, relevant and timely information is a crucial aspect of an open and transparent society. However, in our digital society information is in a state of flux with every aspect of its creation, delivery and consumption undergoing profound redefinition... More>>

Keeping Out The Vote: Gordon Campbell On The US Elections

I’ll focus here on just two ways that dis-enfranchisement is currently occurring in the US: (a) by the rigging of the boundary lines for voter districts and (b) by demanding elaborate photo IDs before people are allowed to cast their vote. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: Being Black Palestinian - Solidarity As A Welcome Pathology

It should come as no surprise that the loudest international solidarity that accompanied the continued spate of the killing of Black Americans comes from Palestine; that books have already been written and published by Palestinians about the plight of their Black brethren. In fact, that solidarity is mutual. More>>

ALSO:

Max Rashbrooke: Why The New British Conservative PM Is Talking Inequality

In a major speech, May honed in on one key theme: an economy “that works for everyone”. It was strikingly like the language that the former British Labour leader, Ed Miliband, used in last year’s election campaign, as he put inequality front and centre of his – unsuccessful – political pitch. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On Tony Blair And The Chilcot Report

Alongside this litany of criticisms of Blair’s style of government and decision-making, Chilcot has also given Blair a remarkable amount of wiggle room. More>>

ALSO:

Werewolf: Flying Blind

Lets imagine an industry that prides itself on its modern technology. Yet its basic service is a chronic source of anxiety to many of its customers, partly because (very occasionally) this industry suffers catastrophic accidents that kill everyone who is using a particular instance of its service at the time. More>>

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news