Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Satire: MFAT Watercoolergate

MFAT Leak: Pair of Water Coolers out themselves as Focus of Rebstock Report

By 'Uncle Jang'
paula, rebstock,
mfat, leak, state services commission
Image: Lyndon Hood

Two water coolers known only as Y and Z have outed themselves as the focus of the Government report ordered by States Services Commissioner Iain Rennie and conducted by Paula Rebstock into leaks at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade in March 2012.

"I was really surprised, as I thought the government had ordered an inquiry into leaking." said the Water Cooler Big Blue, known as Z in the report."I don't understand why I am in this report at all as I don't leak."

"My approach throughout the MFAT restructuring was to provide a superior filtered product and a more informal opportunity to rip into senior management. This was completely lacking in the formal consultation process." said Big Blue.

The report found the use of water coolers such as Big Blue and Water Cooler Y (believed to be New Zealand's top performing Alpine Fresh brand) during the restructuring to be "a big part of the problem with carrying out this inquiry".

The report states "I shook Water Coolers Z and Y around quite vigorously and was surprised to discover they did not leak.

"It was actually pretty frustrating, as - boy! - they had really got up the nose of senior management. My reputation as the government's fix-it woman was on the line."

In August 2013, the terms of reference of the inquiry were widened to include the act of "holding water".

"You could say this was the breakthrough we had been looking for." said State Services Commissioner Iain Rennie, speaking with relief at the end of the long and expensive process for which he was responsible.

"Many Tier 3 water coolers in MFAT clearly were holding too much water and this led to all sorts of carry-on with staff openly mocking the restructure and conspiring to save the foreign service.

"It's time that public servants got back to basics - there's plenty of water in the tap!" he said, wagging his finger.

"I'm just really pleased that Paula found a way to divert attention away from the fact that the Cabinet Paper leak most likely came from my staff or one of my Ministers." he said, lowering his voice.

"Burying this expensive and inconclusive report just before Christmas was just the present I was hoping for." said Minister McCully upon release of the report.

"Water coolers have long been a distraction from the task of building a modern foreign service. Frankly all they encourage are cruel hurtful jokes about me and the mess that CEO John Allen was making at the time." he said.

Staffroom renovations are ongoing at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade to introduce closed circuit TV around remaining sinks.

********

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Syed Atiq ul Hassan: Eye-Opener For Islamic Community

An event of siege, terror and killing carried out by Haron Monis in the heart of Sydney business district has been an eye-opener for the Islamic Community in Australia. Haron was shot down before he killed two innocent people, a lawyer and a manager ... More>>

Jonathan Cook: US Feels The Heat On Palestine Vote At UN

The floodgates have begun to open across Europe on recognition of Palestinian statehood. On 12 December the Portuguese parliament became the latest European legislature to call on its government to back statehood, joining Sweden, Britain, Ireland, France ... More>>

ALSO:


Fightback: MANA Movement Regroups, Call For Mana Wahine Policy

In the wake of this years’ electoral defeat, the MANA Movement is regrouping. On November 29th, Fightback members attended a Members’ Hui in Tāmaki/Auckland, with around 70 attending from around the country. More>>

Ramzy Baroud: The Mockingjay Of Palestine: “If We Burn, You Burn With Us”

Raed Mu’anis was my best friend. The small scar on top of his left eyebrow was my doing at the age of five. I urged him to quit hanging on a rope where my mother was drying our laundry. He wouldn’t listen, so I threw a rock at him. More>>

ALSO:

Don Franks: Future Of Work Commission: Labour's Shrewd Move

Lunging boldly towards John Key, shouting 'Cut the crap!' - Andrew Little was great, wasn't he? Labour's new leader spoke for many people fed up with Key's flippant arrogant deceit. Andrew Little nailing the Prime minister on lying about contacting a rightwing ... More>>

Asia-Pacific Journal: MSG Headache, West Papuan Heartache? Indonesia’s Melanesian Foray

Asia and the Pacific--these two geographic, political and cultural regions encompass entire life-worlds, cosmologies and cultures. Yet Indonesia’s recent enthusiastic outreach to Melanesia indicates an attempt to bridge both the constructed and actual ... More>>

Valerie Morse: The Security State: We Should Not Be Surprised, But We Should Be Worried

On the very day that the Inspector-General of Intelligence and Security released her report into the actions of people the Prime Minister’s office in leaking classified Security Intelligence Service (NZSIS) documents to right-wing smearmonger Cameron ... More>>

Ramzy Baroud: PFLP Soul-Searching: Rise And Fall Of Palestine’s Socialists

When news reports alleged that the two cousins behind the Jerusalem synagogue attack on 18 November were affiliated with the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine, a level of confusion reigned. Why the PFLP? Why now? More>>

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news