Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Satire: MFAT Watercoolergate

MFAT Leak: Pair of Water Coolers out themselves as Focus of Rebstock Report

By 'Uncle Jang'
paula, rebstock,
mfat, leak, state services commission
Image: Lyndon Hood

Two water coolers known only as Y and Z have outed themselves as the focus of the Government report ordered by States Services Commissioner Iain Rennie and conducted by Paula Rebstock into leaks at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade in March 2012.

"I was really surprised, as I thought the government had ordered an inquiry into leaking." said the Water Cooler Big Blue, known as Z in the report."I don't understand why I am in this report at all as I don't leak."

"My approach throughout the MFAT restructuring was to provide a superior filtered product and a more informal opportunity to rip into senior management. This was completely lacking in the formal consultation process." said Big Blue.

The report found the use of water coolers such as Big Blue and Water Cooler Y (believed to be New Zealand's top performing Alpine Fresh brand) during the restructuring to be "a big part of the problem with carrying out this inquiry".

The report states "I shook Water Coolers Z and Y around quite vigorously and was surprised to discover they did not leak.

"It was actually pretty frustrating, as - boy! - they had really got up the nose of senior management. My reputation as the government's fix-it woman was on the line."

In August 2013, the terms of reference of the inquiry were widened to include the act of "holding water".

"You could say this was the breakthrough we had been looking for." said State Services Commissioner Iain Rennie, speaking with relief at the end of the long and expensive process for which he was responsible.

"Many Tier 3 water coolers in MFAT clearly were holding too much water and this led to all sorts of carry-on with staff openly mocking the restructure and conspiring to save the foreign service.

"It's time that public servants got back to basics - there's plenty of water in the tap!" he said, wagging his finger.

"I'm just really pleased that Paula found a way to divert attention away from the fact that the Cabinet Paper leak most likely came from my staff or one of my Ministers." he said, lowering his voice.

"Burying this expensive and inconclusive report just before Christmas was just the present I was hoping for." said Minister McCully upon release of the report.

"Water coolers have long been a distraction from the task of building a modern foreign service. Frankly all they encourage are cruel hurtful jokes about me and the mess that CEO John Allen was making at the time." he said.

Staffroom renovations are ongoing at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade to introduce closed circuit TV around remaining sinks.

********

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

David Swanson: Torture Is Mainstream Now

As Rebecca Gordon notes in her new book, Mainstreaming Torture, polls find greater support in the United States for torture now than when Bush was president. And it's not hard to see why that would be the case. More>>

Uri Avnery: In One Word: Poof!

Poor John Kerry. This week he emitted a sound that was more expressive than pages of diplomatic babble. In his testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations committee he explained how the actions of the Israeli government had torpedoed the “peace ... More>>

Binoy Kampmark: The Poverty Incentive: Making The Poor Carry The Refugee Can

The poorer you are, the more likely you need to shoulder more. This axiomatic rule of social intercourse, engagement and daily living is simple and brutal enough: the poor shall hold, conserve, preserve. More>>

Nureddin Sabir: BBC Misreports John Kerry On Talks Failure

For once, US Secretary of State John Kerry was not mincing his words when he blamed Israel for the breakdown of talks with the Palestinians. But you would not have known this if you were following the story from the BBC News website. More>>

Gordon Campbell: On Narendra Modi, And The Elections In India

On the upside, the gigantic election process that began yesterday in India is the largest exercise in democracy on the planet. Reportedly, a staggering five million people are employed, directly or indirectly, in the election process. The likely outcome is not quite so welcome... More>>

ALSO:

Ramzy Baroud: Kerry’s Looming Deadline And The Peace Process Industry

As the US-imposed April 29 deadline for a ‘framework’ agreement between the Israeli government and the Palestinian Authority looms, time is also running out for the American administration itself. More>>

Harvey Wasserman: Fighting Our Fossil-Nuke Extinction

The 25th anniversary of the Exxon Valdez disaster has brought critical new evidence that petro-pollution is destroying our global ecosystem. The third anniversary of the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear meltdown in Japan confirms that radioactive reactor ... More>>

Shobha Shukla: Rise In Global Health Financing, But Funding Priorities Shift

A new research done by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation (IHME), at the University of Washington, indicates that globally the total development assistance for health (DAH) hit an all-time high of $31.3 billion in 2013 (a year-over-year ... More>>

Get More From Scoop

 
 
TEDxAuckland
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news