Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Satire: MFAT Watercoolergate

MFAT Leak: Pair of Water Coolers out themselves as Focus of Rebstock Report

By 'Uncle Jang'
paula, rebstock,
mfat, leak, state services commission
Image: Lyndon Hood

Two water coolers known only as Y and Z have outed themselves as the focus of the Government report ordered by States Services Commissioner Iain Rennie and conducted by Paula Rebstock into leaks at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade in March 2012.

"I was really surprised, as I thought the government had ordered an inquiry into leaking." said the Water Cooler Big Blue, known as Z in the report."I don't understand why I am in this report at all as I don't leak."

"My approach throughout the MFAT restructuring was to provide a superior filtered product and a more informal opportunity to rip into senior management. This was completely lacking in the formal consultation process." said Big Blue.

The report found the use of water coolers such as Big Blue and Water Cooler Y (believed to be New Zealand's top performing Alpine Fresh brand) during the restructuring to be "a big part of the problem with carrying out this inquiry".

The report states "I shook Water Coolers Z and Y around quite vigorously and was surprised to discover they did not leak.

"It was actually pretty frustrating, as - boy! - they had really got up the nose of senior management. My reputation as the government's fix-it woman was on the line."

In August 2013, the terms of reference of the inquiry were widened to include the act of "holding water".

"You could say this was the breakthrough we had been looking for." said State Services Commissioner Iain Rennie, speaking with relief at the end of the long and expensive process for which he was responsible.

"Many Tier 3 water coolers in MFAT clearly were holding too much water and this led to all sorts of carry-on with staff openly mocking the restructure and conspiring to save the foreign service.

"It's time that public servants got back to basics - there's plenty of water in the tap!" he said, wagging his finger.

"I'm just really pleased that Paula found a way to divert attention away from the fact that the Cabinet Paper leak most likely came from my staff or one of my Ministers." he said, lowering his voice.

"Burying this expensive and inconclusive report just before Christmas was just the present I was hoping for." said Minister McCully upon release of the report.

"Water coolers have long been a distraction from the task of building a modern foreign service. Frankly all they encourage are cruel hurtful jokes about me and the mess that CEO John Allen was making at the time." he said.

Staffroom renovations are ongoing at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade to introduce closed circuit TV around remaining sinks.

********

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Gordon Campbell: On The US Foreign Policy Somersaults Over Syria And Iran

Amidst the day-to-day reports about the military advances of the Islamic State fighters in Iraq and Syria, one remarkable aspect of this war has barely been mentioned. More>>

ALSO:

Daphne Lawless: The Whale Oil Leaks: Anti-Politics From Above

As we go to press, the election campaign has been turned upside down by a new book by investigative journalist Nicky Hager. Dirty Politics is based mainly on a leak of 2 gigabytes of emails and Facebook messages from “Whale Oil”, the vicious ... More>>

ALSO:

Branko Marcetic: When John Key Was Concerned About Dirty Politics

If Nicky Hager needs some support in the midst of a whirlwind of government criticism for his allegations of “dirty tricks” by the National Party, he may find one unlikely ally – John Key, six years ago. More>>

Jim Miles: Israeli War Crimes In Gaza

Israel reveals its true colours and true aspirations every time it attacks Gaza (or any other self-perceived enemy) as being the ethnic cleansing of Palestine, even to the degree - as the references above indicate - to the act of genocide. More>>

David Swanson: Top 9 Reasons To Stop Bombing Iraq

1. It's not a rescue mission. The U.S. personnel could be evacuated without the 500-pound bombs. The persecuted minorities could be supplied, moved, or their enemy dissuaded, or all three, without the 500-pound bombs or the hundreds of 'advisors' (trained ... More>>

Binoy Kampmark: Comedian’s Death: Robin Williams And The Virtues Of Suicide

The Grim Reaper never runs out of converts. Put another way, death never gets his full due. Comedians do not figure well in this – they are particularly attractive targets in the business of death. More>>

Suzan Mazur: "Oomph" & Origin Of Life At Hydrothermal Vents

The notion that life originated in hydrothermal vents was for a long time a sleepy area of scientific inquiry because the vents first found, known as 'black smokers,' were way too hot and acidic. But in 1989, Michael Russell, a British geochemist who ... More>>

Gordon Campbell: On The US Rescue Mission In Iraq

It isn’t often that unilateral US bombing raids within a foreign country can be supported, but the current US bombing campaign in northern Iraq is one such case. The fighters of the Islamic State (IS) appear to be intent on committing genocide against the Yezidis, Christians, Turkmen, Kurds and every other non-Sunni community in the region… More>>

ALSO:

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
TEDxAuckland
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news