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Conjuring the Smiling Assassin

Conjuring the Smiling Assassin

by Snoopman
June 21, 2014

A Money Tree Wand. An ex-banker’s note book of spells. Objects of a double life. A financial wizard who was just a muggle with no magical ability. A wizard comedian willing to train the ex-banker in the Dark Arts of Wizard Bastardry. Now, the banker is running a country and the comedian is dead. Enter, an Amazonian reporter packing Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth. This is the incredible story of how wizard comedian Rik Mayall conjured the ‘smiling assassin’, AKA John Key, New Zealand’s prime minister. Although numerous parliamentary press reporters in New Zealand witnessed John Key’s Lasso of Truth Interview, none have run stories to expose the shocking truth. The NewStatesman, in association with SnoopmanNews, reports the intrigue here.

Written by Simon Twoleftfeet
(Based on Reporting by Sohia Bigg-Storm) 21 June 2014

English Comedian, Rik Mayall, who died on June 9 in London, once trained New Zealand’s current prime minister, John Key, in the Dark Art of Wizard Bastardry, while the former investment banker-turned politician started work at Merrill Lynch in London.

John Key, who has been prime minister of New Zealand for nearly six years and whose net-worth is estimated to be $50 million, was head of global foreign exchange at Merrill Lynch in the square mile financial district of the City of London, between 1995 and 2001. During this time at Merrill Lynch, he became known among staff as the ‘smiling assassin’, evidently because he maintained a smile while firing hundreds of staff as the impacts of the Wall St-Washington-City-of-London Complex-engineered Asian financial crisis caught up with the global-scale investment bank. Or, so the tale went.

It has emerged that Key’s killer smile originally came from Rik Mayall. More specifically, it was inspired by a character Rik Mayall played, Alan Beresford B’Stard, an ambitiously greedy, obnoxious and scruple-deficient Conservative Party MP, in the British television satire series, The New Statesman (1987-1992). The fictional Tory MP is one of British comedy’s best-known bastards.

Beginning in the northern winter of 1995, Key met Mayall once a week on Wednesday nights, a day the pair called “Wicked Wednesday’s”, for private tutorials that began at the Mayall’s family home. The instruction Mayall gave Key was more than the usual techniques of acting, such as knowing your character inside out.

The tuition quickly became occult when Mayall discovered Key did not know a thing about magic.

Mayall met Key when the investment banker accosted the comedian at the old world headquarters of the BBC, in reception. Key propositioned Mayall to teach him “bastard tricks”. But because Key, like most New Zealanders, slurs his vowels even when sober, the English comedian thought the former bond and derivatives trader was telling him that a consignment of bio-engineered sheep were held up in busted trucks.

Evidently, Mayall’s reaction was to pull his famous ‘glare face’, and he flashed a look at a BBCsecurity guard, Bob Batton-Wheelder, to remove the hazard because he thought Key was mad. But, when the former BBC security guard, translated Key’s request, Mayall raised his eye-brow. Batton-Wheelder says Mayall’s devious grin grew as he heard Key say clear enough, “I’ve got loads of money. I’m a banker.” Key told Mayall he wanted to be New Zealand’s leading statesman.

The Key B’Stard Project
Following Mayall’s sudden death after a jog, a former chief economist at Chase Manhattan Bank informed an up-start news outlet from far-flung New Zealand, Snoopman News, that New Zealand’s current prime minister had at one time been friends with Rik Mayall.Snoopman News immediately deployed two journalists, one to interview the source of the tip-off, Professor Michael Hudson from the University of Missouri, and another to interview New Zealand’s prime minister, John Key.

At first Key was cagey about his relationship with Rik Mayall, but fortunately the reporter, Sophia Bigg-Storm, anticipated the prime minister’s famous defence mechanisms. Being part-Amazonian, her native people gave her a gift so precious, most reporters would kill for it: Wonder Women’s Lasso of Truth.

Bigg-Storm mentioned to Key that she was part Amazonian. Key’s replied in all seriousness, “Midas, I always wanted to go there!” Having distracted the prime minister with the male fantasy of being holed up on an island inhabited exclusively by gorgeous women, Bigg-Storm left her cleavage unguarded for gorkelling, providing further distraction so that the intrepid reporter could slip the Lasso of Truth over the prime minister’s head, before his skull-encased brain knew what was happening.

When Key said, “You got a great rack”, Bigg-Storm knew the lasso worked.

Under the influence of the Lasso of Truth, John Key divulged that he and his wife, Bronagh, shared Christmas Eve of 1995 with Rik Mayall and his wife, Barbara. The Mayall’s gave John a magic wand, and Bronagh, a magic broom. The Key’s did not realize they were real and thought it was “just funny.”

Rik Mayall teased John Key saying, “it’s what every banker secretly wishes for, the power to conjure money in every land out of annoyingly thin air.” The English comedian had assumed that the investment banker was a financial wizard, of the magical kind.

When Rik Mayall realized John Key was just a muggle, he resolved to mentor the banker in the Dark Art of Wizard Bastardry. But, the only way for a wizard (or witch) to bestow muggles with wizard (or witch) powers that have no innate magical ability is to give them regular blood transfusions. Hence, ‘The Key B’Stard Project’, as the pair called it, required that they meet every week and use the time for tuition, while Key absorbed wizard blood.

Under the Influence of the Lasso of Truth

Under the tuition of Wizard Rik Mayall, John Key received what was essentially a post-graduate degree in dark magic. For three months they met at Mayall’s home, and then after that at the Leaky Cauldron tavern, 0n Daring Road, in London. Mayall had lent his Invisibility Cloak to Key so that he would not be seen entering or leaving his home or the tavern.

Mayall instructed Key to swat up on spells. The investment banker found himself fixated at first on the ones beginning with S, such as the Stealth Sensoring Spell, Specialis Revelio and the classic Switching Spell. Key said he found himself “quite subconsciously” striking vertical lines “through each of the ‘S’s transforming them into dollar signs.”

“That’s was when I hit upon the idea of running the Muggle-Wizarding currency exchange unit at the goblin-run Gringotts Wizarding Bank”, the former Merrill Lynch banker said, smiling the assassin’s smile.

Because he knew the goblins would not let any human, especially a muggle, run Gringotts Wizarding Bank, he used the Specialis Revelio spell to gain the leverage he needed. Specialis Revelio, which wizards and witches use to reveal an objects secrets or magical properties, is Key’s favorite spell.

Merrill Lynch’s head of global foreign exchange was able to locate the financial claims to wealth not only hidden within the City of London’s financial district. Key was also able to track and tabulate the wealth stored in Gringotts Wizarding Bank and, most importantly, the biggest fortunes: Their Identities The Bankers Must Not Name To Whom They Belonged.

“I mapped the secret magical riches stashed in the enchanted City of London. As any Muggle cartographer will tell you, new maps of the world are valuable tools for conquest,” said Key gleefully.

Key got to run the Muggle-Wizarding currency exchange at Gringotts.

“The hilarious thing is you see this vast network of vaults and magic carts traveling on tracks depicted in the Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, and the world’s movie-going Muggles think it’s just fiction” said Key chuckling.

Under the influence of the Lasso of Truth, Key revealed that a Fraternity of Dark Capitalist Wizards evade taxes and move capital freely in the Muggles World. Indeed, they have constructed a Worldwide Financial Wizard Haven Complex that is sponsored by many Muggles states, including the United Kingdom and the United States. “Meanwhile, Muggles pay taxes”, said Key.

These Financial Wizard Havens have sprung up wherever there was a goblin bank. “That’s what the Global Financial Crisis of 2008 was really about”, said Key. “There’s a financial war going on between goblins and financial wizards for control of the banks, and in-turn tocontrol whole societies through debt. The wizards working with the light side of the force are trying to stop it”, said Key, matter-of-factly. But, because events behind ‘the news’ are controlled by highly-networked Dark Wizard Satirists, Muggle journalists, editors and current affairs hosts fail to realize the extent to which their attempts to inform the vegged-out Muggle populations are undermined.

Borrowing from a Foreign Pixie
In January 2011, when John Key announced selling state-owned assets, including four power companies, the justification that he provided was that New Zealand was borrowing $300 million a week from a ‘foreign pixie’. When pressed about why a government lacks the sovereign power to make its own money debt-free, Key said, “the cover story is that politicians would just print too much money and thereby make the currency worthless.”

But, he said cheerfully that what the Global Credit Boom of 1991 to 2007 really showed was that a Fraternity of Dark Wizard and Witch Bankers had done exactly that and when the boom turned to bust, they simply burdened tax-paying Muggles with the bill.

“”The truth is,” said Key, “a Fraternity of Dark Wizard and Witch Bankers has gained control over almost every nation through wars and terrorism, and other forms of coercion, including financial and economic warfare. This Fraternity of Dark Capitalist Wizards, of which I am one, have always been superior central planners than anything the communist Muggles states have been able to pathetically conjure. We call our methods of military violence, covert terrorism and coercion, the Shock Doctrine.”

While bound to be honest by the power of the enchanted golden chord, John Key said it was remarkable that Muggles everywhere had failed to gain back most of their ancestral lands lost over centuries of conquest by the Dark Wizards. He said, “Muggles are such suckers for war propaganda that they’ve come to believe war is a part of human nature. Really?” Key said chuckling, for rhetorical effect. “If war is just a part of human nature, then how come Hitler had to shout so hard?” he guffawed.

“Through these various kinds of warfare,” Key continued once his assassin’s smile had regained control of his face, “the Dark Wizards and Witches have come to own vast tracts of land and control much of the rest collectively, under the construct of nation states, and other smaller and larger political units. By engineering these crises, these Dark Forces have accumulated enormous power, and they use it to ensure that cash in any economy is scarce”, smiling like as an assassin with an aesthetic taste for mayhem.

The ex-Wizard banker also disclosed that Wizard Bankers practicing the Dark Arts of Wizard Bastardry long ago “found a way to conjure magical money out of annoyingly thin air”, Key said. By this Key meant credit. “And because the Fraternity of Dark Wizards and Witches own most of the media,” New Zealand’s prime minister continued, “we can out produce pesky professors and professionals who try to expose what is essentially the framework for a debt-enslavement system.”

“Common words associated with banking such as ‘loans’, ‘lending’ and ‘borrower’, are used as marketing tools to deceive the Muggles populace,” explained New Zealand’s prime minister, as though somewhere deep inside it was paining him to ‘unpeel’ this layer of the ‘banking onion’. “Banks don’t actually lend the money they receive as deposits.”

“Only gullible Muggles would be stupid enough to think that the loans they take out with banks are actually the funds of other people’s savings. In fact, credit is just funds borrowed into existence,” he said chuckling under the magically-enchanted Lasso of Truth. Where before, Key pretended to care when he had been questioned over important issues like ‘child poverty’, and agreed that the houses that poor people lived in could be better insulated(NewStatesman Editor’s Note: It is incredible that no one in New Zealand’s news media asked John Key where poor children would get the money to insulate their parents’ rented homes, especially as he rejected the idea of child welfare payments, which they could have used to fund the work. After all, his government is subsidizing landlords, who are the beneficiaries of over a billion dollars a year, for charging too much rent. Indeed, theNewStatesman notes that the ‘debate’ on ‘child poverty’ would be over if New Zealand’s media stopped ‘naming the victim’ and called the issue by its correct name, ‘greedy grown-ups’).

Key explained that banks use most of the money they receive as deposits “to buy interest-bearing treasury securities, corporate bonds and other financial instruments, like shares.”

The ex-Wizard banker also revealed that Dark Wizards use the Stupefying Spell on all loan contracts, credit cards and associated advertising.”

It seems that bankers from the Magical Realm are sticklers for balancing the books, as far as it suits them. Forests of money trees grow wherever real forests of the Muggles World have been destroyed by Muggles for economic gain (often under a spell). Furthermore, if a wizard banker desires to gain more wealth in the Wizard World, it is crucial that he possesses a Money Tree Wand that is made of wood from the same land to be exploited. Such wands also have to be made in the same land the wood came from too.

Not surprisingly, in the circumstances, John Key possesses a Money Tree Wand, made of Kauri wood, that he cut from a young sapling growing under a great Kauri tree called Tāne Mahuta, that lives in the far north of New Zealand. In addition to exploiting a land for economic gain, and the power that confers, Money Tree Wands can be used for all other spells.

A Wizards’ Falling Out
It turns out that the last time John Key saw Rik Mayall was shortly after the English comedian had his alleged quad bike accident in April 1998, an accident that fractured his skull. But, John Key divulged that Mayall fell from his broomstick, because the young dark wizard banker stiff-armed the comedian who gave chase because Key threatened to blow up his house.

Mayall and Key had an altercation one morning when Key was flying on Bronagh’s broomstick to work following the Thames River, under the cover of Mayall’s Invisibility Cloak. Mayall was furious with Key when he found out that the Anglo-American Dark Wizards of Banking had caused the Asian Financial Crisis that started in 1997.

“He could see that such a criminal group, if left at-large, would plot bigger and bolder power crimes”, said Key. Mayall wanted Key to blow the whistle. As they flew at speed under London Bridge as it was being raised to allow a ship to pass through, Key said, “Look Rik, it’s not going to happen. I’m making fuckloads of money, beyond my darkest happy dreams. And besides, its fun watching Muggles struggle up here from Bronagh’s broomstick.”

Key said he could tell Mayall was going to keep following him to work and make a scene. Merrill was deep in Dark Financial Wizardry like the rest of the Dark Wizards’ global banking cartel.

Then the chase was on to the Mayall’s house and the English comedian attempted to zap his prodigee with attack spells. Although Bronagh’s broomstick was faster than Mayall’s, Key said he could only avoid the comedian “unfunny zaps” for so long. When Key was near Mayall’s house, he stopped abruptly in mid-air, jolted his arm out and braced himself for the impact.

But, whether through cunning, indifference or forgetfulness, Mayall had failed to tell Key there was one draw-back to being a Muggle without any innate magical ability that is mentored to become a wizard or witch. Mayall did not tell Key that if a mentor wizard dies, a muggle who has received wizard blood, because of the established lack of natural magical powers, will steadily lose magical strength.

“As soon as Rik hit the ground I lost control of Bronagh’s broom. I crashed into a pond”, said Key.

Key gave Mayall blood transfusions covertly during the night under the watchful eye of two great light-working wizards, Dumbledore and Gandalf. Throughout these visits, Key smiled and that is how he became known as the ‘smiling assassin’.

It was during this time when Mayall faced-off Death, with the help of Dumbledore and Gandalf, that Merrill Lynch’s financial trading deals started to unravel. The bank blamed the Russian debt default of August 1998, as a result of the Asian financial contagion, but the real problem was Key’s charms failed during that crucial five day period when Mayall was in a coma. When word got out some months later that his nickname was the smiling assassin, Key said it just because he had smiled while he fired hundreds of staff and was the “last London manager standing.”

Since Rik Mayall died properly this time on June 9 2014, most of John Key’s powers have gone. The prime minister of Middle Earth, as New Zealand is also known, said the first to go are the attacking powers, and then eventually all the powers of defence. At interviews-end, Key performed a Reducio charm on himself with his kauri-wood Money Tree Wand, while holding onto a nearby door handle to his office. In a moment, Key shrank himself so small that he could stand on the door handle, and then he plunged and pulled himself into the keyhole and disappeared into the room.

Through his keyhole, he grumbled to be left alone because he needed to find another Dark Wizard to be his wizard blood donor. The parliamentary press gallery reporters that had gathered around and witnessed this interview appeared to be having a cognitive dissonance reaction, which commonly afflicts Muggles when they are confronted with information that conflicts with the darkly satirical news stories they are regularly fed by mainstream Muggle media outlets that the Dark Wizards control.

Wizards and Witches Wish for Mutiny
The Professor who provided the tip-off that Rik Mayall and John Key had a past together, Michael Hudson at the University of Missouri, said that many wizard and witches were preparing to whistle blow on the Dark Wizards and Witches that had enslaved the world in debt. The professor said, “what whistle blowers needed right now is the support of the public.” (He regards the term Muggles as derogatory).

Those Light-working Wizards and Witches, who have evidence to reveal, need to see a heightened interest in such power crimes from ordinary people.

Wizard Gandalf, who had once mentored Hudson, agreed saying, “My wish for Muggles and Hobbits all around the world is this: Be Revolting!”


This satirical story is a tribute to Rik Mayall, a comic genius who inspired us all at Snoopman News to try to be funny everyday, even while we can’t forget that we are being fucked in arse by bankers, and mindful that too many vegged-out Muggles and Hobbits don’t know about the Dark Wizards to ‘give a shit’.


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