Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 


Lyndon Hood: Laundering Dirty Politics

Laundering Dirty Politics

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Scoop recently imagined speaking to the Prime Minister about Nicky Hager's book Dirty Politics .

***

Scoop News: So this book, then. Fire away.

Prime Minister John Key, Probably: Well you have to remember Nicky Hager is a well-known conspiracy theorist.

SN: In that he is presenting evidence of people conspiring, secretly, to do things?

PMJK,P: Exactly. Point proven.

SN: Some of which sound illegal.

PM: They don't sound illegal to me.

SN: Why not?

PM: I'm not listening.

SN: Do they look illegal?

PM: I'm also not reading.

SN: You often don't read stuff that might contain inconvenient information, yes? Police reports about your ministers and so on?

PM: It's a thing.

SN: Anyway, if we can get past the ad hominem and focus on the evidence…

PM: Well can I just remind you that ad hominem means attacking the person and Nicky Hager isn't actually a person so it doesn't count. I have documentary evidence he's a cartoon viking. He should stick to that.

SN: Are you thinking of Hagar?

PM: Yes.

SN: When you confused Nicky Hager and Hagar the Horrible just then, were you doing it deliberately?

PM: I just don't know anyomore. But my point is, he's not a person so much as a bogeyman…

SN: He's not actually a bogeyman.

PM: Well what is he then? A frisbee? Some kind of potplant?

SN: I'm pretty sure he's a person.

PM: Well you might have an opinion about that but I think the people of New Zealand are really interested in the big issues.

SN: What are they?

PM: Well that here's this political smear campaign based on stolen emails that just describes ordinary politics.

SN: Can you really believe all once that it's based on evidence stolen from, y'know, the actual people in question and that it's entirely uninteresting non-news and that it's lies?

PM: No, but I can believe them all one at a time. I've had training.

SN: Do you think, if the documents were originally stolen, it might still be in the public interest to bring the behaviour described in them to light?

PM: I tend to talk as if the public are interested in what I want them to be interested in, and I'm not interested in this book at all.

SN: And you do think the events described in the book are politics as usual?

PM: Yes.

SN: Is that a good thing?

PM: Is it good that it's politics as usual? Or is it good that I think it is?

SN: Both?

PM: Well there's no point judging is there? I can't control the political environment I live in. Nor can I control whether you find the blasé attitude I take towards it utterly terrifying.

SN: So do you think your campaign will be damaged?

PM: Well there isn't any one single smoking gun in the book.

SN: Really? You don't think there might be one or two?

PM: People have looked very carefully. All there is in the book is bits of paper with words on them.

SN: But are there any figurative smoking guns?

PM: Oh I see. No.

SN: Are you sure you're not being a little optimistic?

PM: Well I can see it could be a bit difficult to make out a figurative smoking gun in among so many figurative steaming knives and figurative blood-spattered cudgels but I reckon we're in the clear.

SN: Not Jason Ede accessing Labour's servers and using his access to intelligence agency information against your political opponents?

PM: Well Jason Ede doesn't work for the Prime Minister's Office.

SN: Who does he work for?

PM: Dunno really. He's is around the office a lot though, now you mention it. Maybe he makes the tea or polishes the door handles? Did you consider that?

SN: Or what about evidence of Judith Collins getting a prisoner transferred as a favour to a friend?

PM: How would you like to come and photograph me standing next to Peter Jackson?

SN: I'd rather you answered my question.

PM: Yes, well, we all know that's not going to happen.

SN: I'll just put that it's lies, shall I? So what about the way ole Whale Oil basically ends up looking like your best mate?

PM: Suppose Peter Jackson was my final offer.

SN: I'll get my camera.

********

You can follow Lyndon Hood on Twitter.

Really keen to leave a comment? Try here.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Gordon Campbell: On The Looming Conflict Over The Iranian Nuclear Deal

Iran and the Trump administration are on a collision course over Iran’s testing of ballistic missiles, which Iran maintains are a valid part of its domestic defence planning. The US, via Trump’s national security adviser Michael Flynn, has put Iran “on notice” and imposed fresh sanctions. Undaunted, Iran has continued to test more missiles. More>>

John Quiggan: On Australia’s Flirtations With Trumpism

After the cataclysm of Trump’s election, quite a few US-based friends asked me about moving to Australia. I had, as they say, good news and bad news. More>>

ALSO:

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news