Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Lyndon Hood: Laundering Dirty Politics

Laundering Dirty Politics

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Scoop recently imagined speaking to the Prime Minister about Nicky Hager's book Dirty Politics .

***

Scoop News: So this book, then. Fire away.

Prime Minister John Key, Probably: Well you have to remember Nicky Hager is a well-known conspiracy theorist.

SN: In that he is presenting evidence of people conspiring, secretly, to do things?

PMJK,P: Exactly. Point proven.

SN: Some of which sound illegal.

PM: They don't sound illegal to me.

SN: Why not?

PM: I'm not listening.

SN: Do they look illegal?

PM: I'm also not reading.

SN: You often don't read stuff that might contain inconvenient information, yes? Police reports about your ministers and so on?

PM: It's a thing.

SN: Anyway, if we can get past the ad hominem and focus on the evidence…

PM: Well can I just remind you that ad hominem means attacking the person and Nicky Hager isn't actually a person so it doesn't count. I have documentary evidence he's a cartoon viking. He should stick to that.

SN: Are you thinking of Hagar?

PM: Yes.

SN: When you confused Nicky Hager and Hagar the Horrible just then, were you doing it deliberately?

PM: I just don't know anyomore. But my point is, he's not a person so much as a bogeyman…

SN: He's not actually a bogeyman.

PM: Well what is he then? A frisbee? Some kind of potplant?

SN: I'm pretty sure he's a person.

PM: Well you might have an opinion about that but I think the people of New Zealand are really interested in the big issues.

SN: What are they?

PM: Well that here's this political smear campaign based on stolen emails that just describes ordinary politics.

SN: Can you really believe all once that it's based on evidence stolen from, y'know, the actual people in question and that it's entirely uninteresting non-news and that it's lies?

PM: No, but I can believe them all one at a time. I've had training.

SN: Do you think, if the documents were originally stolen, it might still be in the public interest to bring the behaviour described in them to light?

PM: I tend to talk as if the public are interested in what I want them to be interested in, and I'm not interested in this book at all.

SN: And you do think the events described in the book are politics as usual?

PM: Yes.

SN: Is that a good thing?

PM: Is it good that it's politics as usual? Or is it good that I think it is?

SN: Both?

PM: Well there's no point judging is there? I can't control the political environment I live in. Nor can I control whether you find the blasé attitude I take towards it utterly terrifying.

SN: So do you think your campaign will be damaged?

PM: Well there isn't any one single smoking gun in the book.

SN: Really? You don't think there might be one or two?

PM: People have looked very carefully. All there is in the book is bits of paper with words on them.

SN: But are there any figurative smoking guns?

PM: Oh I see. No.

SN: Are you sure you're not being a little optimistic?

PM: Well I can see it could be a bit difficult to make out a figurative smoking gun in among so many figurative steaming knives and figurative blood-spattered cudgels but I reckon we're in the clear.

SN: Not Jason Ede accessing Labour's servers and using his access to intelligence agency information against your political opponents?

PM: Well Jason Ede doesn't work for the Prime Minister's Office.

SN: Who does he work for?

PM: Dunno really. He's is around the office a lot though, now you mention it. Maybe he makes the tea or polishes the door handles? Did you consider that?

SN: Or what about evidence of Judith Collins getting a prisoner transferred as a favour to a friend?

PM: How would you like to come and photograph me standing next to Peter Jackson?

SN: I'd rather you answered my question.

PM: Yes, well, we all know that's not going to happen.

SN: I'll just put that it's lies, shall I? So what about the way ole Whale Oil basically ends up looking like your best mate?

PM: Suppose Peter Jackson was my final offer.

SN: I'll get my camera.

********

You can follow Lyndon Hood on Twitter.

Really keen to leave a comment? Try here.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Werewolf: Pitch Perfect

Among his other blessings, Pope Francis has been a gift to the world of marketing studies. There can be few other examples where a leader has transformed the perception of an enterprise so thoroughly, but without making any discernible change to its core principles. More>>

ALSO:

US Politics: The Democrats Try To Engage With America (Again)

Venues are being rebooked to accommodate the thousands of people coming to listen to Vermont Senator, avowed socialist, and presidential aspirant Bernie Sanders talk about the redistribution of wealth. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The Deal Over Iran’s Phantom Nukes (And Nuking Greece’s Future)

How could Iran continue to be expected to do all the military heavy lifting in the battle against Islamic State, while still being economically sanctioned and isolated for the threat that Teheran allegedly poses to the region? More>>

ALSO:

Werewolf 56 Out Now: Pope, Secret Evidence, Point Break, Democrats, Pigeons

Hi and welcome to the 56th edition of Werewolf, in which our cover story this month analyses the remarkable change of global public opinion towards the Papacy that Pope Francis has wrought - especially so, given the depths of unpopularity to which the Vatican had sunk during the reign of his predecessor… More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The Crisis In Greece

Greece, as the cradle of democracy, is getting no brownie points for actually practicing it. The decision by the Greek government to go back to the people for a mandate for the bailout terms being proposed by the Eurozone seems entirely appropriate. More>>

ALSO:

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news