Are kids these days too spoiled?

Chantal Kayem

Are kids these days too spoiled?

The Epidemic of Child Indulgence

As a child psychologist, I spend a lot of time observing parents and children, without judgment, simply as an observation. And time and time again I see parents today overindulging and overprotecting their children. Parents do for their children what they are capable to do for themselves. They allow them to take charge rather than to themselves take the lead. Parents protect their children from feeling negative emotions such as sadness, disappointment, anger, jealousy or embarrassment rather than letting them experience them. Some parents fail to discipline their children and instead allow them to take charge and decide for themselves what they are allowed and not allowed to do. Other parents rescue their children rather than allowing them to learn from their mistakes. And still other parents will even go as far as to sacrifice their own well-being or financial security in order to provide their children with what they want. All of these are examples of parents indulging and spoiling their children that are quite commonplace today.

The Child-Centered Parenting Movement

One of the big reasons that today’s children are more spoiled is because of the child-centered parenting movement. About twenty years ago, child experts took a major turn on their advice regarding how to best raise children. The focus changed from raising well-behaved children to raising happy children with a high self-esteem, so much so that, for many, even the words “strict” and “punishment” have become dirty words in parenting. These experts have focused on ways to make children feel good about themselves by giving them time, attention and praise. At the risk of hurting their child’s self-esteem, parents have been wrongly led to believe that they should not act like the person in charge or as an authority figure to their children. Parents have been encouraged to reason and talk things over with their children, to negotiate their way into solutions. Parents have been made to believe that negative consequences or punishments lead to children feeling unloved, disconnected or badly about themselves. As a result, parents have unfortunately lost power of authority and respect from their children. And children have become accustomed to arguing with their parents about any limits that they don’t agree with.

Also thanks to this focus on child-centered parenting, today’s parents often worry that they will make a critical mistake that will damage their child for life. As a result, parents end up being hesitant and uncertain as to how to respond to their child thereby often backing down rather than correcting their child’s inappropriate behavior from fear that it may hurt their child.

Some parents wrongly believe that the more they buy their children, the better off they are when the opposite is true. The less children have, the more they appreciate what they have. In the same way that we could not appreciate sunny days unless we experienced rainy ones, children cannot appreciate what they have unless they experience not having everything they want.

Today’s parents often not only are giving their children too much but they are also expecting too little. Unacceptable behaviors are tolerated nowadays that would never have been tolerated when we were children. Children can be rude, refuse to do their chores, or fail to complete their homework and yet often receive little or no consequences. And despite their poor behaviors and attitudes, many parents reward their children with the toys, activities and entertainment they desire.

Does Your Child Act Spoiled?

Ask yourself if any of these behaviours sound typical of your child? Your child:

• Often whines, demands, complains or shouts to get her way

• Pushes or argues with you to give-in

• Is ungrateful for what you do for her and often asks for or demands for more

• Tells you how bad you are when things don’t go her way

• Ignores or fails to comply to many of your instructions

• Pushes for explanations for your limits

• Often accuses you of being unfair

• Speaks to you disrespectfully

• Often does not seem satisfied

• Complains of boredom if she is not busy for a short time

Do any of these behaviours sound typical of you?

• You do for your child what your child is able to do for himself (lunchboxes, chores etc.)

• You repeat yourself multiple times when you child fails to comply with you

• Many times when you want your child to cooperate, a disagreement or battle occurs

• You warn your child of consequences but don’t follow through

• You repeatedly explain yourself to justify your limits

• You finds it difficult to say no to your child

• You fear that if you discipline your child, she may not like you

• You rationalise your child’s poor behaviour

• You avoid your child getting punished even when she should

If many of the above behaviours are typical of those of yours and your child’s, then your child is spoiled. The more of these apply, the more spoiled your child is likely to be. Regardless, don’t beat yourself over it, spoiled children are a common phenomenon of today and you are far from being alone. Solutions on how to turn these behaviors and attitudes around can be found in my book Help! I’ve Created a Brat! by Chantal Kayem available at Amazon.com
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