Gordon Campbell | Parliament TV | Parliament Today | News Video | Crime | Employers | Housing | Immigration | Legal | Local Govt. | Maori | Welfare | Unions | Youth | Search

 

On the Right: A Guide to New Zealand Politics

The Devil’s Dictionary: A Guide to New Zealand Politics
By Craig Ranapia

“Political language – and with variations this is true of all political parties – is designed to make lies sound truthful… and to give the appearance of solidity to pure wind.”
George Orwell

ACC, Re-nationalised: An accident waiting to happen.

California 3162 (or whatever it’s called): A television programme only Marion Hobbs has seen.

Christmas Party, Press Gallery: A good idea at the time, I think.

Comment, No: What happens when your press secretary has borrowed the car to buy some cigarettes.

Common Sense: Not around Parliament.

Confused: Drunk and/or mentally retarded.

Consensus: A position nobody sincerely believes, is too tired to argue any more, and didn’t really care about in the first place.

Drink: The only way to dull the pain of Nandor Tanczos banging on about cannabis.

Doone’s First Law of Politics: Perception is reality.

Doone’s Second Law of Politics: There are fates worse than death.

Full Confidence: 1. “I want his/her job but don’t have the numbers.” 2. “Don’t screw up again.”

Ideology: Any idea, opinion or statement you don’t agree with but can’t be bothered arguing.

Inquiry: 1. A close examination of a matter in search of information or truth. 2. A useful way to be told what you want to hear.

Inquiry, Ministerial: A useful and expensive way to justify what you’ve already decided.

Inquiry, Royal Commission of: A useful, expensive and time consuming way to justify doing nothing for years.

Member: 1. One who belongs to the House of Representatives. 2. Only Parliamentary way to call your enemies useless pricks. 3. Excuse to fill your maiden speech with dick jokes.

Member, Honourable: 1. Useless prick who took my place in Cabinet. 2. An oxymoron.

Minister: An agent of higher power with lower responsibility (Ambrose Bierce).

Minister, Associate: An agent of higher power with no responsibility.

Misinformed: A pathological liar.

No: Minister speak for “Yes, but you can’t prove it.”

Point of Order: A question as to whether the present proceedings are in order or allowed by the rules of parliamentary procedure. Usually utterly pointless and carefully designed to provoke disorder.

Pragmatism: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

Press Gallery: 1. Part of the politically correct liberal media elite. 2. Tools of the corporatist New Right media hegemony. 3. People who can’t write, interviewing people who can’t speak English, for people who can’t read ( Frank Zappa).

Press Release: The finest New Zealand fiction since The Bone People.

Press Secretary: No comment (qv.)

Queen: A woman inexplicably popular, except when Prime Ministers want to change the subject.

Question Time: 1. A period for expressions of inquiry to a Minister that invites or calls for a reply. 2. A period for the Minister to decline the invitation and feign deafness.

Question, Good: Any patsy (qv.) delivered without giggling, vomiting or tears. “I must thank the member for asking such a good question.”

Question, Patsy: An easy to answer question from Government backbenchers, mainly because the Minister writes them.

Question, Supplementary: The Ministerial equivalent of a suppository – a fearful pain in the arse to be avoided at all costs.

Rankin, Christine: 1. Incapable of running an orgy in a brothel full of sailors. 2. A fine civil servant who enjoys the full confidence of her Minister.

Reform: Proof that if it ain’t broke, it soon will be.

Revolting: The sight of a self-important prat on a six-figure salary slagging off another self-important prat on a six-figure salary.

Titewhai: A fearsome monster from Maori mythology. Used to frighten journalists, MPs and other children: “Eat your peas or the Titewhai will shout at you."

Whip: The only people mad enough to enjoy constant contact with other MPs.

Yes: Minister-speak for “No”.


Feedback to jrennie@the.net.nz


© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Parliament Headlines | Politics Headlines | Regional Headlines

 

Dealing Crackdown, Addiction Support: Government Action On Synthetics

The NZ Drug Foundation has welcomed the Government’s response to synthetic drug deaths. The response strikes a balance between giving law enforcement the tools they need to target criminal networks and changing drug law to make it easier for people to access help when they need it. More>>

ALSO:

Strategy Committee Unanimous: Wellington To Forge Ahead With Convention Centre

The three-storey Cable Street building, with around 18,000-square metres of floor space, will comfortably be able to host 1500 people for conventions. It includes a 1651sq m exhibition area that will attract international exhibitions too big for nearby Te Papa and provide an always-changing visitor attraction. More>>

ALSO:

Surveying The Surveillance: First IGIS Review Of Warrants Under New Act

The report sets out the Inspector-General’s interpretation of the new warrant provisions under the ISA and her expectations of the GCSB and NZSIS when they prepare warrant applications. More>>

SSC: 2018 Public Service Workforce Data Published

State Services Commissioner Peter Hughes has published the 2018 Our People, Public Service Workforce Data , which shows the Public Service is making significant progress in important areas. More>>

ALSO:

Sinking Cap: Auctions, Permanent Forests, Added To ETS

The move to auctions, signalled in an August consultation paper, will help put a cap on the number of emission units available over time. Annual announcements, looking forward five years, will help provide certainty for scheme participants, she said. More>>

ALSO:

Joint Select Committee Report: Achieving Smokefree 2025

In a historic first for select committees, the Māori Affairs Committee and the Health Committee presented their joint report on achieving the Smokefree 2025 goal to the House on Tuesday, 11 December 2018. More>>

"Shared Interests And Democratic Values": Peters To Visit USA

Deputy Prime Minister and Foreign Affairs Minister Winston Peters will travel to Washington D.C. for talks with US Secretary of State Michael R. Pompeo and other senior members of the US Administration. More>>

 
 
 
 
 

LATEST HEADLINES

  • PARLIAMENT
  • POLITICS
  • REGIONAL
 
 

InfoPages News Channels