Scoop Satire: Reflections On The Dollar’s Demise
(Sourced from an anonymous posting circulating on the Internet.)
The NZ dollar has continued its slide against the US Dollar and the Pound Sterling. The dollar reached historic lows mid-week, dropping below 43 NZ cents to the greenback. A NZ dollar now buys one gram of hamster droppings and half a glass of Thames river water in the United Kingdom.
Since the beginning of last week, many currency transactions bureaux in France and Germany have been turning away NZ backpackers who have wheelbarrows full of their useless home currency, desperate to change it before its value declines even further.
The drop in the dollar has also had a dramatic impact for NZ tourists, making the cost of travel prohibitively expensive and making many people cancel their travel plans. In an early response to the situation, American Express has modified its advertising campaign, shortening its slogan specifically for the NZ market. It now simply reads "Don't leave home".
But the new rates have made NZ an increasingly attractive destination for tourists from the UK and US. Speaking from her palatial suite at a harbour side hotel in Auckland, Shayla Mohr, a single mother from Idaho on welfare, agreed that the beneficial exchange rates played a major part in her decision to travel to NZ. "My food stamps don't go very far at all back home" said Ms Mohr, "So I decided to cash them in a have a trip to NZ. My last dole cheque has funded three weeks here and I've been having a ball. You guys have such cute little money".
Despite the decline against the major currencies, the NZ dollar did rally against some minor currencies in late trading on Friday. The dollar posted gains against the dong, the rouble and the rupee before markets closed.
The dollar also made some late gains against Monopoly Money. One NZ dollar now buys 36 Monopoly cents, a rate which has caused difficulties because there are no cents in Monopoly. But major owners of Monopoly Money, such as Microsoft's Bill Gates, have refused to trade their cash for NZ currency, dismissing the dollar as "pretend money".
In a statement from the beehive, finance minister Michael Cullen stated that NZers have never had it so good. "Why would anyone want to holiday overseas anyway. NZ is a great place to be, especially at this time of the year. Those people contemplating an overseas trip in future will be subject to The Holiday, Enjoyment and Fun Tax (THEFT). This new deduction will be targeted at anyone who looks like they might have any disposable income that might be spent on anything pleasurable." Supporters of the new tax within the coalition government have applauded Mr Cullen's initiative as innovative but not far reaching enough. "It's this sort of measure that will entice ex-patriate kiwis back to NZ" said Mr Anderton in response to the announcement.