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On The Right: What Will, Won’t And Might Happen

Well, here it is. My last column for Scoop, at least for the time being. As you read this, I will be preparing to leave Auckland, my home for the last four weeks, and going back to Nelson for a long summer consisting of swimming, scallops, and Student Job Search. Sigh.

While in the big smoke, my columns have been focusing on what I have learnt up here, and how the current regime has failed to solve any of the central problems I have encountered on my travels. Nothing I have seen in the past fortnight has changed my mind, and I leave Auckland even more certain that we need ACT policies in place and we need them fast.

This edition however will instead look at next year, and I will give my predictions for what will, what won’t and what might happen in the year 2001. Enjoy...

What Will Happen in 2001:

* Trevor Mallard WILL be in constant trouble with the Speaker.

* Ruth Dyson WILL be a Minister again.

* Tariana Turia WILL alienate the white New Zealand population, again.

* Rodney Hide WILL be severely audited by the IRD.

* Helen Clark WILL speak down to us.

* ACT WILL go up in the polls.

* Labour WILL go down.

* National WILL rise in the polls - radically at first, then in a more conservative manner.

* And the Government WILL listen to the business community... and then do the complete opposite to what they asked.

What WON’T Happen in 2001:

* Jim Anderton WON’T stop smiling.

* Nandor Tanczos WON’T cut his hair, let alone wash it.

* Dover Samuels WON’T be a Minister again.

* Student Unions WON’T stop thinking that all students are really Alliance supporters at heart.

* The West Coast and the defence forces WON’T be going in together for a Christmas present for the Government.

* Bill English WON’T be the National leader.

* The media WON’T stop speculating that he will be.

* And Helen Clark WON’T ever be a fashion trendsetter, no matter what she thinks.

What Might Happen in 2001:

* New Zealand First announces it’s ‘Nationhood’ policy, in which some assets are identified as ones that must stay New Zealand-owned. Among these assets are New Zealand Post, TVNZ and the Green Parrot Cafe.

* Nandor Tanczos’ hemp suit catches fire in Parliament, inadvertently stoning all the MPs. In the confusion that follows, Parliament buys back Telecom and Transrail, the only reason given being “why not - it’s all good man!”

* After a bad poll rating, Helen Clark censures the entire Cabinet from talking to the media. She then accidentally calls them a “pack of dribbling Lenin-worshippers”, and then censures herself. The New Zealand dollar then doubles against the US overnight.

* The Greens announce that they find Parliament too brutal and they are having difficulty coping. In a strange twist of irony, Sue Bradford is caught trying to break OUT of Parliament.

* And Helen Clark is voted ‘Best Prime Minister This Century’.

And there you have it. I would like to thank Scoop for letting me rant and rave for the last few months. And who knows, should I get fired up enough I may write the occasional piece.

Before I leave, I would like to mention this: I was asked recently how I saw the political scene at the moment. My reply?

“I see a car driving down the road to economic ruin,
Helen in the drivers seat, driving at breakneck speed,
Jim next to her, urging her to drive more to the left,
And the Greens in the back constantly asking, ‘are we there yet?’”

And that’s as poetic as I’m ever going to get.

Happy Christmas.

- Feedback to Mike Heine. Mike Heine is a member of ACTivists

© Scoop Media

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