Anti-Capitalists Take Wellington
'FIRST WE TOOK WELLINGTON CITY, THEN CUBA MALL THE TRUE STORY BEHIND THE ANTI-CAPITALIST INVASION OF PONEKE - WHANGANUI A TARA (Wellington for you pre de-colonials)
Group Photo Of Wellington Biotic Baking Brigade
It's taken us years of hard work, but finally, We, the Anti-capitalists the World, members of the 100 million strong GLORIOUS, INTERNATIONAL BLACK WEDGE, will see, ANTI-CAPITALISM IN WELLINGTON CITY, thanks in no small part to the cooperation of the State, the SIS, the police and of course, the dedicated journalists at The Dominion and The Herald and the Evening Post. who unknowingly helped us succeed in our ingenious, 5 stage SECRET MASTER PLAN FOR TOTAL WORLD SOCIAL REVOLUTION!
1 * It's official. We convinced the authorities a long time ago, to hold the carnival against capitalism - the city of 300,000 closet anti-capitalists who are commited to indigenous liberation, the protection of the environment, animals and Wellington wide anarchy. 2 * We arranged for a minor earthquake in Wellington, droughts in the South Island , and a few natural disasters, around the world, to indicate that we are not fooling around. We are serious. We can cause major disruptions and bad cable TV reception.
3 * We infiltrated the SIS to put the fear of anti-capitalism in them, to convince them that the threat of revolution is very real. Quote: "The SIS are certainly worried. The presence of anti-capitalistis in Wellington is the top reason the police have a job Since this report, we have learned that an additional 1,200 Territorial soldiers will be present to counter our presence. We arranged that, too.
4 * We recruited the Prime Minister, Helen Clark as one of our top secret agents and turned her party, the annoying Labour Party into a front for THE ANARCHIST BLAC BLOC.
5 * We convinced them to build the West Pac stadium. This will now help us contain, secure, imprison as you will, all the despised members of the ruling class of Aotearoa to help us execute our plan: to turn Wellington City into a truly INDEPENDENT, ANARCHIST COMMUNIST PARADISE - the first in the world - a place with no more bosses, no more borders, no more rulers; a self-managed, totally LIBERATED ZONE, where we will SOCIALIZE everything, feed and house everyone and use it as a staging ground to help us further our dream: GLOBAL SOCIAL REVOLUTION!
HOW WILL WE DO THIS:
It's simple. While most of our people - local, Wellington City resident ANARCHIST BLACK BLOC card carrying members are securing the enormous, FREE ZONE that is Cuba and Mannners Malls, the rest of us will focus our forces to immobilize and apprehend the trapped members of the despised Ruling Class and their thousands of lackeys and armed body guards. (Known as Policy Analysts) We know the Authorities are terrified and are trying to play down the extent of our operation and our invasion force.
1. Approximately 3 million members of the Wellington Biotic Baking Brigade have already arrived outside Wellington City, each heavily armed with stink bombs, exploding Cuban cigars & Barbara Streisand albums. They are camped out in camouflaged RVs in the suburbs;
2. Among them, 30,000 JAPANESE NINJA ANARCHIST WARRIORS are preparing to breach the beehive at dawn. They will clear landing pads for several hundred ANARCHIST BLACK CROSS HELICOPTERS carrying 14,000 BELGIAN ANARCHIST pie throwing specialists. Look out Richard Prebble!
3. This manoeuvre will provide cover for the BRAZILIAN ANARCHIST AIR FORCE CROP DUSTING JETS, primed to drop 5 tons of ECSTACY - disguised as snow - over the target area;
4. While the ECSTACY falls, 10 thousand three-headed ANARCHIST ALIENS FROM MARS - disguised as visiting space donut entrepreneurs - will sneak past security checkpoints and proceed to vaporize all government departments, all local MacDonald's, Burger King and Star Marts;
5. At this exact moment, 25,000 SCREAMING INVERCARGILL ANARCHIST KINDERGARTEN KIDS will spontaneously pop out of Wellington City manholes armed with VICIOUS PICKACHOO WARRIORS & swarm any undrugged, Wellington City Parking Wardens & drag them back into the sewers;
6. Parliamentarians won't survive the food, since the OFFICIAL CATERING STAFF has been infiltrated by ANARCHIST FOOD NOT BOMBS CHEFS who plan to lace every dish with laxatives & sprinkle itching powder on ALL THE TOILET PAPER;
8. All the moaning and groaning members of the despised Ruling Class will then be hog tied together with a huge ANARCHIST BLACK BUNGEE CORD and suspended & bounced from the top of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and forced to listen to the songs of long time, bona-fide, anarchist cheerleader mom, Celine Dion;
9. At some point, a giant INFLATED TROJAN CONDOM, will appear over the City and parachute a 300,000 strong, trained ANTI-TERRORIST ANARCHIST PEACE KEEPING FORCE to secure the ground and prevent any dangerous & violent Wellington Police strategic response group from interfering with the FESTIVE, ANARCHIST CARNIVAL AGAINST CAPITALISM.
10. Further support will be provided by the RUSSIAN ANARCHIST BLACK SUBMARINE FLEET patrolling the Cook Strait with ANARCHIST GOOD HUMOUR LAUGHING GAS MISSILES.
11. If the ANARCHISTS encounter any remaining resistance, ANARCHIST STARFLEET COMMAND will be positioned over Wellington with a giant ANTI VIAGRA STUN RAY.
A Hollywood version of 'The Anarchist Take Over of Wellington City' starring Ben Afflek and Julia Roberts as two, love-struck members of the Black Bloc, is already being filmed on the spot. The story will also appear as a new Harry Potter novel. Anarcho Christians have promised to re-write it into their newest version of the Bible. And finally, a long awaited video game of the impending, epic, Anarchist victory will be out shortly. *
- The WELLINGTON BIOTIC BAKING BRIGADE