Gordon Campbell | Parliament TV | Parliament Today | News Video | Crime | Employers | Housing | Immigration | Legal | Local Govt. | Maori | Welfare | Unions | Youth | Search

 

Anti-Capitalists Take Wellington

'FIRST WE TOOK WELLINGTON CITY, THEN CUBA MALL THE TRUE STORY BEHIND THE ANTI-CAPITALIST INVASION OF PONEKE - WHANGANUI A TARA (Wellington for you pre de-colonials)



Group Photo Of Wellington Biotic Baking Brigade

It's taken us years of hard work, but finally, We, the Anti-capitalists the World, members of the 100 million strong GLORIOUS, INTERNATIONAL BLACK WEDGE, will see, ANTI-CAPITALISM IN WELLINGTON CITY, thanks in no small part to the cooperation of the State, the SIS, the police and of course, the dedicated journalists at The Dominion and The Herald and the Evening Post. who unknowingly helped us succeed in our ingenious, 5 stage SECRET MASTER PLAN FOR TOTAL WORLD SOCIAL REVOLUTION!

THE FACTS:

1 * It's official. We convinced the authorities a long time ago, to hold the carnival against capitalism - the city of 300,000 closet anti-capitalists who are commited to indigenous liberation, the protection of the environment, animals and Wellington wide anarchy. 2 * We arranged for a minor earthquake in Wellington, droughts in the South Island , and a few natural disasters, around the world, to indicate that we are not fooling around. We are serious. We can cause major disruptions and bad cable TV reception.

3 * We infiltrated the SIS to put the fear of anti-capitalism in them, to convince them that the threat of revolution is very real. Quote: "The SIS are certainly worried. The presence of anti-capitalistis in Wellington is the top reason the police have a job Since this report, we have learned that an additional 1,200 Territorial soldiers will be present to counter our presence. We arranged that, too.

4 * We recruited the Prime Minister, Helen Clark as one of our top secret agents and turned her party, the annoying Labour Party into a front for THE ANARCHIST BLAC BLOC.

5 * We convinced them to build the West Pac stadium. This will now help us contain, secure, imprison as you will, all the despised members of the ruling class of Aotearoa to help us execute our plan: to turn Wellington City into a truly INDEPENDENT, ANARCHIST COMMUNIST PARADISE - the first in the world - a place with no more bosses, no more borders, no more rulers; a self-managed, totally LIBERATED ZONE, where we will SOCIALIZE everything, feed and house everyone and use it as a staging ground to help us further our dream: GLOBAL SOCIAL REVOLUTION!

HOW WILL WE DO THIS:

It's simple. While most of our people - local, Wellington City resident ANARCHIST BLACK BLOC card carrying members are securing the enormous, FREE ZONE that is Cuba and Mannners Malls, the rest of us will focus our forces to immobilize and apprehend the trapped members of the despised Ruling Class and their thousands of lackeys and armed body guards. (Known as Policy Analysts) We know the Authorities are terrified and are trying to play down the extent of our operation and our invasion force.

1. Approximately 3 million members of the Wellington Biotic Baking Brigade have already arrived outside Wellington City, each heavily armed with stink bombs, exploding Cuban cigars & Barbara Streisand albums. They are camped out in camouflaged RVs in the suburbs;

2. Among them, 30,000 JAPANESE NINJA ANARCHIST WARRIORS are preparing to breach the beehive at dawn. They will clear landing pads for several hundred ANARCHIST BLACK CROSS HELICOPTERS carrying 14,000 BELGIAN ANARCHIST pie throwing specialists. Look out Richard Prebble!

3. This manoeuvre will provide cover for the BRAZILIAN ANARCHIST AIR FORCE CROP DUSTING JETS, primed to drop 5 tons of ECSTACY - disguised as snow - over the target area;

4. While the ECSTACY falls, 10 thousand three-headed ANARCHIST ALIENS FROM MARS - disguised as visiting space donut entrepreneurs - will sneak past security checkpoints and proceed to vaporize all government departments, all local MacDonald's, Burger King and Star Marts;

5. At this exact moment, 25,000 SCREAMING INVERCARGILL ANARCHIST KINDERGARTEN KIDS will spontaneously pop out of Wellington City manholes armed with VICIOUS PICKACHOO WARRIORS & swarm any undrugged, Wellington City Parking Wardens & drag them back into the sewers;

6. Parliamentarians won't survive the food, since the OFFICIAL CATERING STAFF has been infiltrated by ANARCHIST FOOD NOT BOMBS CHEFS who plan to lace every dish with laxatives & sprinkle itching powder on ALL THE TOILET PAPER;

8. All the moaning and groaning members of the despised Ruling Class will then be hog tied together with a huge ANARCHIST BLACK BUNGEE CORD and suspended & bounced from the top of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and forced to listen to the songs of long time, bona-fide, anarchist cheerleader mom, Celine Dion;

9. At some point, a giant INFLATED TROJAN CONDOM, will appear over the City and parachute a 300,000 strong, trained ANTI-TERRORIST ANARCHIST PEACE KEEPING FORCE to secure the ground and prevent any dangerous & violent Wellington Police strategic response group from interfering with the FESTIVE, ANARCHIST CARNIVAL AGAINST CAPITALISM.

10. Further support will be provided by the RUSSIAN ANARCHIST BLACK SUBMARINE FLEET patrolling the Cook Strait with ANARCHIST GOOD HUMOUR LAUGHING GAS MISSILES.

11. If the ANARCHISTS encounter any remaining resistance, ANARCHIST STARFLEET COMMAND will be positioned over Wellington with a giant ANTI VIAGRA STUN RAY.

A Hollywood version of 'The Anarchist Take Over of Wellington City' starring Ben Afflek and Julia Roberts as two, love-struck members of the Black Bloc, is already being filmed on the spot. The story will also appear as a new Harry Potter novel. Anarcho Christians have promised to re-write it into their newest version of the Bible. And finally, a long awaited video game of the impending, epic, Anarchist victory will be out shortly. *

- The WELLINGTON BIOTIC BAKING BRIGADE


© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Parliament Headlines | Politics Headlines | Regional Headlines

Scoop 3.0: How You Can Help Scoop’s Evolution

Entering into its third decade of operation, the Scoop news ecosystem is set to undergo another phase of transformation and evolution.

We have big plans for 2018 as we look to expand our public interest journalism coverage, upgrade our publishing infrastructure and offer even more valuable business tools to commercial users of Scoop. More>>

 
 

Speaking Of Transport: Public Engagement On Wellington Scenarios

“Our work on possible solutions for Wellington’s transport future is ongoing, but has progressed to the stage where we’re ready to share our ideas with the public and seek their feedback to help guide our next steps...” More>>

ALSO:

Parental Leave: National's Time-Sharing Change Fails

National has proposed a change to the Parental Leave and Employment Protection Amendment Bill that would allow both parents to take paid parental leave at the same time, if that is what suits them best. More>>

ALSO:

Train Free Thursday: Workers Strike To Defend Terms Of Employment

"They signed up to these conditions a year ago when they got the contract for Wellington's rail services. Now they're trying to increase profits by squeezing frontline workers." More>>

ALSO:

Seclusion: Ombudsman Emphasises Importance Of Monitoring

Disability Rights Commissioner Paula Tesoriero says that while there have been changes to the Education (Update) Amendment Act 2017 to prohibit the use of seclusion, the report is an important reminder of the importance of regular monitoring of schools. More>>

ALSO:

United Future History: "All Good Things Must End"

'We’re extremely proud of what we’ve achieved over the past 15 years, working alongside the government of the day, both National and Labour.' Mr Light told members on Monday. More>>

Gordon Campbell: On The TPP Outcome, And The Hobbit Law

Somehow the Trans Pacific Partnership trade deal has come lurching back from the dead – and as predicted in this column last week, the member countries gathered in Vietnam have announced a deal in broad principle, shunted aside until a later date the stuff on which they don’t agree, and declared victory. More>>

Agreeing To Differ: Greens Maintain Opposition To TPPA
“The Green Party has long opposed the TPPA. The new proposed deal, which came out of the weekend’s talks, still contains key ISDS concessions to corporations that put our democracy at risk, so our position remains the same,” said Green Party trade spokesperson Golriz Ghahraman. More>>

ALSO:

Monitoring Report: A New Chapter For Children’s Rights In New Zealand?

The Children’s Commissioner is calling on the country to embrace children’s rights to ensure their overall well-being. More>>

ALSO:

 
 
 
 
 

LATEST HEADLINES

  • PARLIAMENT
  • POLITICS
  • REGIONAL
 
 

Featured InfoPages

Opening the Election