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The New Write 2/7/2002

THE NEW WRITE

2nd July 2002

Official Newsletter of the New Zealand Young Nationals

----------NO CRAP SPECIAL EDITION------------

1. NO CRAP IS BACK
2. MP DEMANDS DRUG REFORMS, DRUGS
3. KEEP UP TO DATE WITH THE CAMPAIGN
4. DRUNK BRITISH MPS CAUSE CONTROVERSY
5. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT
6. TOP TEN THINGS FOR HELEN CLARK TO DO BEFORE ELECTION
7. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK


1. NO CRAP IS BACK

The controversial youth political website www.nocrap.org.nz has been relaunched.

The site has been created by a team of young people from around the country, and features humour, satire, competitions, photos and profiles of every political party.

Spokesperson Jamie Simpson says the site is one of the most effective ways to get National's point of view across. "Many young people are cynical and bored with politics. This website aims to show that politics is not necessarily boring, and that some parties do have a sense of humour."

Some of the highlights of the site include:
-A guide to all political parties
-Bill Clinton jokes
-Drink and cocktail recipes
-Big news from around the world

Avid readers of The New Write may recognise some of the material featured. If you enjoy the site, or even if you don't, please give your feedback and pass it on to your friends!


2. GREEN MP DEMANDS DRUG REFORMS, DRUGS

From the website www.nocrap.org.nz

Wellington - Green MP Tandori Nachos (37) yesterday called for radical reforms to drugs laws, and for drugs.

"What I want is wholesale reform of drugs legislation, and wholesale drugs," said the dreadlocked MP.

"New Zealand has been shackled by a lack of a top-class narcotics regulatory framework, and a lack of top-class narcotics," said Mr Nachos.

If the controversial drug campaigner has his way, Parliament will vote through a significant quantity of new drugs laws, and a significant quantity of new drugs.

"People opposed to this measure are just scaremongering," argued Mr Nachos. "Prohibition of drugs in Parliament has been a miserable failure. Especially for Jim Anderton. That dude is on something, man. Yeah."

However, not all MPs were supportive of the plan. New Zealand First MP Wilfred Browner reacted angrily to Mr Nacho’s proposals.

"The last thing Parliament needs is stoners like Mr Nachos off their heads in the debating chamber. We don’t want wakky-dakky-bakkie, hoochies, doobies, reefers, or mary-jane in the House of Representatives.

"You don’t need drugs to be cool - just look at me, I’m living proof of that."

"Get a job, you filthy hippy," said Mr Browner.


3. KEEP UP TO DATE WITH THE CAMPAIGN

National has launched a new daily newsletter to keep people up to speed with how the National campaign is going. The brief update is written by campaign director Allan Johnston, and comes out around midday.

To subscribe you can email nationalnews@national.org.nz

The latest National policies include health, education and the environment. To find out about these policies go to www.national.org.nz


4. DRUNK MPs CAUSE HAVOC IN BRITISH PARLIAMENT

Members of Parliament are abandoning the Commons debating chamber in favour of the nearest drinking den, claims a teetotal Conservative MP.

Sir Teddy Taylor says a beer-drinking culture has emerged at Westminster and alcohol consumption is increasing "by leaps and bounds". Many MPs "have difficulty in walking along the corridors in a straight line".

He said: "The Commons chamber remains empty most of the time, while the multitude of drinking dens are crammed full. It is very sad and the start of a great tragedy. This is a grim sign of what is rather a dramatic change in the Westminster lifestyle."

The full story can be read at:
http://news.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2002/06/24/nbooz24.xml


5. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT

Very brief this week sorry, now that Parliament has dissolved! Oh well, I can always fall back on making up stuff...

*Helen Clark is apparently furious about a cheeky website making fun of her - not, not No Crap (not yet anyway).

Last week Labour launched a sycophantic website called
www.followtheleader.co.nz A cheeky wag has now set up a spoof site at
www.followtheleader.org.nz

It is by the same author of the famous Kumara website, and is a good laugh.


*Check out this hot goss from www.gaynz.com about a certain three MPs (forwarded onto me, I am not a regular visitor...)

-Number One: The Hon Ms Now-I'm-Bisexual-Now-I'm-Not, is shagging a man at the moment. Reportedly everywhere, loudly. But is anyone really interested? Not us Aucklanders, you can't impress us that way!

-Number Two: And what about one of the biggest Labour closets? Is the loudest sound to come from his bedroom the sound of unwrapping toffees? Or does he occasionally pursue eligible twinks offering them guided tours of his house, letting them spill wine on the furnishings, and then 'not-recognise' them in public afterwards?

-Number Three: You knew that the married lawyer made a habit of soliciting male sex workers on K Rd, didn't you?

*National's new campaign slogan has been leaked - check out the main page of
www.nocrap.org.nz to see what it is!

Till next week... my lips are sealed!


6. TOP TEN THINGS FOR HELEN CLARK TO DO BEFORE THE ELECTION

1. Think up even more amusing things the initials for "Jim Anderton'sProgressive Coalition Party" could stand for than "Just Another Piss-ant Commie Party".

2. Practise saying "Jim Anderton's Progressive Coalition Party"without laughing.

3. Let Heather re-open the Alliance joke file for campaign speeches.

4. Find out who the heck Judy Keall was and write something to say tocaucus thanking her for her "achievements" during 15 years inParliament.

5. Get Mike Munro to find a photographer and airbrush consultant whocan put together a family portrait featuring Helen, cat, goldfish,and Dr Peter Davis.

6. Go through the closet and throw out every last pair of Glassonspants.

7. Get Bellamys to put bacon bits into the scones going to Green caucus meetings just for the hell of it.

8. Apologise for Judith Tizard.

9. Get Heather to hunt down and destroy all copies of footage of her hugging Jenny Shipley.

10. Find out what Tony Blair did for his second election and just copy it all ... again.

Be brave and pass it on!

St Molesworth
www.geocities.com/stmolesworth


7. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

Pretty obvious...

www.nocrap.org.nz



Any views expressed here are not necessarily those of New Zealand Young Nationals, or the New Zealand National Party.

Contributions, feedback, articles and subscriptions welcome. Email
newwrite@national.org.nz

Editor: Phil Rennie

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