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The New Write - NZ Young Nationals Newsletter


THE NEW WRITE

Official Newsletter of the New Zealand Young Nationals

22nd October 2002

"A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but a true friend will be sitting right beside you saying, “That was f**king awesome!" -Anonymous

1. SHOCK NEWS: NZUSA AGREES WITH NATIONAL

2. AN ELECTION RESULT TO AIM FOR

3. IRAQ PRE-EMPTS PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE

4. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT

5. TOP TEN IRAQI ELECTION SLOGANS

6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

1. SHOCK NEWS: NZUSA AGREES WITH NATIONAL

The New Zealand University Students’ Association (NZUSA) is backing a National Party amendment to the Tertiary Education Reform Bill that would put a student representative on the soon to be established Tertiary Education Commission.

“The first TEAC report states that the needs of learners is central to the design of the tertiary education system. Learners needs cannot be heard unless a student is at the table where the decisions are being made,” said NZUSA Co-President Andrew Campbell.

“The Government keeps stating that the board of the tertiary commission is not representative. Yet most of the tertiary sector stakeholder groups have representation on it with the glaring exception of students. That sends a clear message that student concerns are not important to either the government or the tertiary education commission,” said Campbell. “Students are pleased that this amendment has been put forward and will be encouraging all parties in parliament to vote for it so that students concerns can be heard in the tertiary reform process. A vote against this amendment will be seen as a vote against students,” said Campbell.

2. AN ELECTION RESULT TO AIM FOR

Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has won a comprehensive election victory, allowing him to rule Iraq for another seven years.

According to Iraqi officials 11,445,638 people are on the electoral roll, the turnout was 100% at 11,445,638, and the vote for Saddam Hussein was also 100% at 11,445,638.

This is a swing towards Mr Hussein who last time only got 99.96% of the vote and had an apathetic turnout of 99%.

Iraqi Vice-President Izzat Ibrahim has brushed aside suggestions that some in the West would not believe the result. "Those who are not familiar with the people of Iraq will not believe it but this is a real, truthful figure. We have no opposition in Iraq," he added.

A public holiday has been declared to celebrate the surprising result.

Read the official Iraqi news story at: http://www.uruklink.net/iraqnews/enews14.htm

3. IRAQ PRE-EMPTS PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE

From http:// http://www.chaser.com.au

BAGHDAD, Thursday: Saddam Hussein has launched a pre-emptive strike on the United States to prevent it from pre-emptively striking Iraq first. Hussein said he has intelligence that the US had developed weapons of mass destruction and planned to use them to attack Iraq.
Hussein justified his strike citing the US's long history of violating UN resolutions. He also recalled the US's willingness to use poison gas against its own people, such as the sailors unknowingly sprayed with VX and sarin during American naval testing in the 1960s. But his strongest justification of the attack was the fact that America does not share Iraq's ideology.
"George W. Bush is a dangerous Christian with his finger on the trigger of the world's worst weapons," Saddam said.
Saddam was asked whether he is planning to release a dossier of speculative material drawn from unnamed sources, like that recently issued by Tony Blair. The Iraqi President replied that he is still trying to pull together sufficient evidence, but has already obtained some material of Bush’s intention to strike from CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, the US Department of Defence, public statements by President George W. Bush, and a particularly nasty card he received from Donald Rumsfeld last Christmas.
Despite the strike being officially launched, no action has actually been taken as yet, as Iraq has no weapons with sufficient range to reach the US mainland.

4. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT

*Guess where ACT MP Rodney Hide has been for the last three weeks? The answer – Albania, on a holiday. Yes, seriously. He says he has an obsession with failed socialist economies

*Looking for a job? On the Government website http:// http://www.jobs.govt.nz there are two good ones going – there are vacancies for an intelligence analyst and a defence analyst, both of which have been there for several weeks.

Hmmm, it might have been nice to have them filled BEFORE the Bali bombings…

*Looking for love in all the wrong places…it seems that a few ACT staff members have been placing their profiles on dating websites. I won’t embarrass them by giving you the links.

*Mind you, there are some interesting people to be found on similar dating websites of the gay persuasion (so I am told). Among the minor celebrities to be found include a well-known New Zealand novelist and an ex-policeman who is STILL posting dodgy conversations. He may have handed in his uniform, but he seems to have kept his handcuffs.

*Political observers now have a formula for determining how much pressure the Government is under in Parliament – it is called “Clark’s Lemon Rating.” The grumpier Clark becomes, the more sour lollies she crams into her mouth. When she reaches four, you know she’s not happy.

*Annette King’s job as Health Minister isn’t getting any easier, with more industrial disputes and funding pressures on the way. In fact, Labour sources say they are planning for a by-election in Rongotai late next year.

*One person who particularly enjoyed the Ross Armstrong interview on Homes this week was Holmes himself. Remember, it was Armstrong as head of TVNZ who cut his salary by a whopping $90,000, so Mr Holmes relished the chance to rip into his old boss on prime-time TV.

*Poor old journalists and war veterans had to suffer a 39-hour air trip to El Alamein last week, on rickety old air-force planes. Helen Clark had no such problems though – since becoming PM, she has broken with tradition and now flies on commercial airliners, first class of course.

*Finally, some dirt on Bill English and Roger Sowry. The two were spotted giggling like excited school-children last week as they huddled around the TV Guide. What were they so excited about? A Meatloaf special on TV1, which they ordered the National Research Unit to tape for them.

*Young NZ First MP Craig McVirgin - oops, I mean Craig McNair – is having a tough time getting used to life with Winnie. After getting lost on the way to a Select Committee, Peters verbally abused young McNair in front of bemused public servants. Even NZ First staff aren’t treated that bad!

*It seems that the Government’s newest media spin doctor, former Marlborough Express editor Brendan Burns, is not allowed to talk to the media about his new job. A bit ironic, isn’t it?

Journalist Russell Brown had booked an interview with Burns to talk about his role as head of the Government’s new communications unit. However he was forced to cancel at the last minute after Helen Clark herself decided she didn’t want Burns blabbing to Brown.

*Look out - United Future leader Peter Dunne is starting to get seriously grumpy, especially with the media, over the grief his party has been copping lately. Mr Dunne had hoped he could rise above the grubby nature of politics in Government but it’s proving a hard ask, and he is starting to lose his temper with certain journos.

Example one was a vitriolic letter to the Dom Post over what was a fairly reasonable opinion piece, and then this week Dunne’s press secretary Ted Sheehan wrote an abusive letter to Herald journalist Anna Samways over her “Sideswipe” column. Here are some of the highlights:

“We here at United Future can only urge you to give up the heavy drinking and resume the medication before you begin your workday…I will now write very slowly so that you can keep up…May we suggest you take some remedial reading and arithmetic courses?”

Although, methinks the letter was actually written by United Future Chief of Staff Mark Stonyer. Apparently he used to send very similar emails to the naughty Nat website http:// http://www.nocrap.org.nz

*Guess which journalist (and academic) is enjoying a very cosy relationship with a key member of the Green Party? I understand a rival newsletter (called ‘mccully.com’ or something like that) alluded to it last week, but the full story is more interesting…

*So who is the male cabinet Minister referred to last week who wears skimpy singlets in the gym? None other than Steve Maharey. Even Britney Spears would blush at the amount of flesh on display from Stevie, who certainly isn’t as young as he used to be.

And which male MP is known as “cart-horse”? Sorry, there is no way I’m going to reveal that one. I don’t want to embarrass the Minister of Finance.

*But that does remind me of a funny story – a few years ago a new press secretary started work for National and his first job was to write a press release for an eccentric male MP, who was in the gym at the time. The poor fellow was forced to sit in the changing rooms as the MP, totally naked, wandered around the room dictating the release to him. What a first day, huh? *Since last week’s mention of a big secret from United Future, I have had many people contact me checking if their story is the same as mine. No-one has yet picked it, but thank you for all the stunning new goss! It has given me plenty of new material to investigate, some of which will be rolled out next week. I will say this though - Sneaky R. Wilson hates hypocrites, especially sanctimonious moral hypocrites. Stay tuned to this channel for more info!

Till next week…my lips are sealed!

PS Remember to send your goss to mailto: mailto:newwrite@national.org.nz

5. TOP TEN IRAQI ELECTION SLOGANS

1. Saddam - strength, leadership, vision, oh, and a bit of torture too.

2. Mesopotamia the way Saddam wants it.
3. One tick Saddam.
4. You have one vote and ten fingers. Think about it.
5. Vote Saddam for better health, education and weapons of mass destruction.

6. A scud missile launcher in every neighbourhood.
7. Get out and vote - we know where you live.
8. You might as well cast your vote - we've already counted it.
9. This election proudly supported by Keith Locke.
10. Vote for Saddam - Undefeated Warrior. *
* Excludes the Iran-Iraq war, invasion of Kuwait, Desert Storm, DesertShield and the Israeli strike on the nuclear reactor.


Courtesy of St Molesworth http:// http://www.geocities.com/stmolesworth
Email all complaints to: mailto: mailto:heather.simpson@parliament.govt.nz

6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

Perhaps it should be “webshite of the week”?

http:// http://www.jesus.com

Is actually a very dodgy guy looking for a girlfriend. I don’t think United Future would approve of this site!

Also…

http:// http://www.thespark.com

An oldie but a goodie – lots of revealing personality test. I recently sat the “gay test” and scored 30%, below the average of 39%.


Any views expressed here are not necessarily those of New Zealand Young Nationals, or the New Zealand National Party.

Contributions, feedback, articles and subscriptions welcome. Email mailto: mailto:newwrite@national.org.nz

Editor: Phil Rennie


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