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The New Write (Featuring Hot Goss From Parlt.)

THE NEW WRITE

Official Newsletter of the New Zealand Young Nationals

6th December 2002

“Fighting a religious war is like fighting over who has the best imaginary friend.”
-Anonymous

1. GOODBYE FROM THE EDITOR
2. A WORD FROM THE PREZ
3. LABOUR SHAFTS DEMOCRACY
4. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT
5. AUSTRALIAN XMAS ACCIDENTS
6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK


1. GOODBYE FROM THE EDITOR

This is the last New Write for the year, and my last as editor. From next year Grant Tyrrell will take over, but don’t worry – Sneaky R Wilson will continue his column.

Hot Goss has become surprisingly successful this year. What started off as a private joke is now widely read by MPs, journalists, even the CIA. However Sneaky has been skating on thin ice in recent weeks so I think it is an appropriate time for someone else to deal with his grubby gossip and the trouble it creates.

Thanks to everyone who has told me how much they enjoy reading the New Write, it has been a pleasure.

Over and out

Phil Rennie


2. A FEW WORDS FROM THE PREZ – GRANT TYRRELL

Firstly thanks to the intrepid editor of this fine publication. Sadly this is his last newsletter – he just has to survive one more without a defamation suit and it has been a good year! It will be an interesting challenge vetting Sneaky’s column next year but one I am looking forward to.

The Thin Blue Line…

It’s been a tough time for the police. Not only do they have the ignominy of George Hawkins for a minister but their ranks are desperately thin – particularly in Auckland. However this week there was some good news – Constable Abbot’s ordeal is over. Cleared of wrongdoing over the shooting of Stephen Wallace it is my hope that he and is family are able to get back to some normality. It is a disgrace that he had to go through the ordeal of a private prosecution. It is clear that further protection is required for police, society requires that they put themselves in danger to protect us – surely police deserve the same respect?

Speaking of respect anyone prepared to offer odds on Helen Clark apologising? Those with sharp memories will remember that she waded in with all guns blazing after the shooting – describing it is a racist incident.

The Keith Locke award for blaming everyone else …

This week the award named after everyone’s favourite communist goes to Race Relations Conciliator Joris de Bres for describing my predecessors as being the same as the Taliban. Nice one mate – you’re meant to conciliate, not piss people off.

RESIGN – don’t pretend that you were aiding debate or hide behind the PC-shield, pack your bags and leave.

Merry Christmas

I wish you and yours all the best for the festive season, we will be back next year.

- Grant Tyrrell, Young Nationals Chair


3. LABOUR SHAFTS DEMOCRACY

The Government has denied Kiwis the chance to determine their own electoral destiny by opposing the Electoral Options Referenda Bill this week, says National MP Simon Power.

"Voters expected to have another say on the electoral system but this Government is determined their voice won’t be heard. The Greens have sided with their Labour chums and voting against the idea, but of course it’s in their best interests to do so.

"That’s particularly ironic when they’re actively campaigning to change the way Local Government is elected," says Mr Power.

The Electoral Options Referenda Bill provides for the holding of two referenda on the electoral system. The first part is whether electors wish to retain the current system of Mixed Member Proportional (MMP) or want to change the electoral system. The second part asks all electors which alternative they prefer.

"New Zealanders deserve the opportunity to say whether they like what’s happening with our electoral system, it should be voters who decide the way forward, not politicians," Mr Power says.


4. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT

-By New Zealand’s finest investigative journalist, Sneaky R Wilson.

A bumper edition this week, with a few end-of-year digs at some of my favourite targets – Winston, David Cunliffe, Craig McNair, and United Future.

*Well well, the biggest stories of the week undoubtedly come from ACT’s sensational Christmas party on Wednesday night. Billed as a “liberal party”, it certainly was, in all senses of the word. It was a flashback to the glory days of boozy, debauched orgies that politicians used to be famous for. I cannot repeat most of the goss, but just ask anyone who was there and they’ll fill you in.

So how did Sneaky R Wilson rate the party overall?

Negatives:
–No air conditioning or windows, so it was like a sauna. This meant people took their clothes off, got dehydrated and thus drunk quicker. Actually, maybe that’s a positive.
-The beer was warm and ran out early.

Positives:
-The entire Parliamentary complex was invited, even Labour ministers and Green staffers turned up.
-ACT MP Stephen Frank’s dancing - sensational.
-Debauchery. Unlike Labour spin-doctors, I don’t abuse the host’s hospitality by reporting privileged info. Well, not very often. But there was plenty of scoring and inappropriate behaviour.
-There were heaps of spirits to drink.
-Seafood – mussels and scallops, yummy.

Can’t resist one question though. What do two MPs, a millionaire and a journalist have in common? Those who were there know!

*Richard Prebble proved himself a true man of the people this week. He spent three hours on Tuesday getting his hands dirty stuffing envelopes alongside party workers and volunteers. Then he and his wife danced for hours at the ACT party, getting jiggy into the wee hours of the morning.

*A confidential newsletter meant for Labour Party members has fallen into my hands, and guess what? They have ripped off Hot Goss!!! But here is the bad news – it is absolute crap, containing just three boring bits of ‘news’.

The first item is about Judith Tizard’s knitting in Parliament – apparently Labour Party members are actually proud of this! The second is a few quotes from Winston’s maiden speech (thanks to United), and the third is some nasty comments about Bill English and a boast that the author “gatecrashed the National Party party”, as noted in Hot Goss last week.

Apart from that, it also blatantly rips off the format and ideas of this fine publication. Even Young Labour acknowledged us when they copied the “website of the week” concept.

Nice try, losers. If you want to read the whole newsletter I have posted it on my website: www.nocrap.org.nz

*Newstalk ZB staff in Auckland are fuming after they missed their own big story on leaky homes last week. Helen Clark made her now-infamous comments about it all being a “media-beatup”, yet somehow it slipped the attention of their news team. It wasn’t till the next day when the Herald published the whole transcript that they realised they missed a big story.

*The press gallery couldn’t believe their eyes when they noticed Don Brash trying to conceal a girlie mag amongst his papers in Parliament recently. Featuring a saucy picture on the cover and screaming headlines of “SEX” and “DRUGS”, the journos were stunned. But the truth soon emerged – in fact, it was libertarian magazine “The Free Radical” with intellectual articles on prostitution and drug reform.

*Speaking of which…Helen Clark’s media goons are on the hunt for the anonymous prankster who has produced a fake magazine cover with the PM in a rather compromising position. The mag in question has been spotted in the press gallery and Clark’s staff have been interrogating journos to find out who is behind it.

Here is a bit of advice from Sneaky R Wilson to the PM’s staff – perhaps you could team up with Craig McNair and combine your investigative skills!

*National revealed this week that the Building Industry Authority has spent $65,000 this year on media advice and spin doctors to cover up the rotting homes crisis. But if you look closer, you’ll see that one company who received $20,000 is Sugar Media Ltd, run by a Mr John Pagani, formerly Jim Anderton’s chief spin doctor.

What’s more, next year the BIA will come under the control of Jimbo as the Ministry of Economic Development takes over responsibility.

*Remember how I predicted a few months ago that Helen Clark is eyeing the job of UN Secretary-General? Well, she is off to the UN again next week to lobby and network with UN big-wigs, including Sue Kedgley’s old boyfriend, Kofi Annan.

*And in another case of jobs for the girls…remember Joan Caulfield, Helen Clark’s secretary (and Jim Anderton’s ex-wife) who burned Clark’s fake painting earlier this year, before the police could get it? Well her two sisters have just picked up cosy Government jobs, being appointed to chair the Waitemata and Bay of Plenty district health boards.

*Scandalous - a certain Parliamentary staff member and a certain MP’s daughter were kicked out of a nightclub last week for getting a little too physical on the dancefloor…

*As mentioned a few weeks ago, I’m a fan of David Cunliffe’s new beard, but opinion is divided on his latest fashion trend – wearing his pants so high up they almost reach his armpits.

*ACT Party President Catherine Judd has an affectionate nickname amongst ACT staff - Lady Penelope, as in the Thunderbirds TV show.

*So who are the dodgy guys behind the taniwha complaint holding up the Waikato motorway? A hapu called Ngati Naho with an interesting past. Earlier this year the Ngati Naho Incorporated Society went into liquidation. Some of the members then created a new body, with the same name, which now represents the individuals concerned rather than the five marae.

Despite all these concerns, it hasn’t stopped the gravy train from the Government. In May this year they received a very tidy $188,756 for consultation over the new prison near Meremere. This included such valuable and expensive services as cultural design, resource management and communication services.

*Sneaky R Wilson was contacted by United Future MP Murray Smith on Wednesday, who wanted to clarify last week’s story about him acting as a lawyer for builders of leaky homes.

According to Murray his client ignored several warnings on the use of silicon cladding, despite his advice and reports from building consultants. He warned them to follow the advice – they ignored him – and he lost the client as a result.

Hot Goss is flattered that MPs pay such close attention, and is always happy to print their side of the story.

*A Wellington taxi company had trouble with a difficult MP recently, who refused to get into the cab sent for him because it was driven by a Somali immigrant. He insisted the company send another cab instead.

So who was this MP? Work it out for yourself, it’s not that hard…

*Helen Clark gave an interesting speech in Auckland this week, on the horse racing and breeding industries.

Hmmm…Helen Clark probably knows as much about breeding as I know about horse racing. Which is not a lot.

*A New Zealand First MP was asked by a journalist this week if his party supported the controversial Local Government Bill.

“I don’t know,” he replied with admirable honesty. “Winston hasn’t told us yet.”

*Interesting divisions in United Future over this Bill though – Tauranga councillor Larry Baldock wants to support it, while Peter Dunne is firmly against it. Negotiations are continuing.

*Rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous… Bill English ended up sharing the Koru lounge and a flight to Auckland with pop star Pink on Saturday. He wasn’t particularly impressed though – he admitted he hadn’t heard of her, but promised to tell his 10 year old daughter.

*You’ve heard of leaky houses, but last week’s select committee saw a case of “leaky blouses”. A female staff member was unaware a button had popped off her top until the end of the day. Since then, I understand there has been a cover-up.

*Cabinet Minister Ruth Dyson was walking through Parliament, on her way to address a protest march a few weeks ago when she stopped to ask a staff member who the protesters were.

“They’re a group of deaf people, Minister,” was the reply.

“Oh well, at least it won’t be a noisy protest!” laughed the Minister of Disabilities.

*I have discovered a secret room on every floor in Parliament, reserved for emergencies, which contains hidden goodies such as blankets, candles, gas cookers and food. I understand two Parliamentary staff members have made the most of it with a romantic night “camping” in their office.

*Surprising news from TVNZ – respected current affairs programme Assignment is being scrapped and will not return next year. This is quite bizarre, given the Government’s Charter insists on serious and thought-provoking programmes.

Or could it have something to do with the fact Assignment has constantly exposed and embarrassed Labour this year (GE, scampi, NCEA, leaky homes)???

*Here’s a prediction for April next year – Wellington newspaper Dominion Post will change its name to “The Morning Post”.

*In other media news, I understand that Holmes reporter Duncan Garner is off to TV3, and that TVNZ are not happy.

*Things are tough when you are in a minor party like Jim Anderton’s Progressive Coalition – just ask Matt Robson. The poor guy was busted recently getting changed in a lift.

Surely Jim should let him have an office of his own?

*I can reveal some top-secret developments to you about Hot Goss – next year Sneaky R Wilson has a radio slot on a Wellington station! I will let you know closer to the time when to listen out.

*The Green Party recently advertised for a couple of media jobs, which attracted a huge response from hippies and idealistic young journalistic graduates. One disappointed candidate found a novel way of taking out his frustration at missing out on a job, by drunkenly urinating on the Green Party office in Wellington.

*One person who did make it though was Charlie Chambers, NZUSA co-president this year who now has a job working for Green MP Sue Kedgely. Gosh how unusual, who has ever heard of a former student politician working for a left wing party in Parliament!

Finally, a big question to ponder over summer. Which is the only party in Parliament who’s Deputy Leader didn’t stand at the last election?

Why?

Till next year…my lips are sealed!

-Sneaky R Wilson


5. AUSTRALIAN XMAS ACCIDENTS

*31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

*19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.

*Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.

*101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

*18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper
with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

*A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.

*5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.

*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

*142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

*58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

and finally:

*8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.*


6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

Since you are reading this, the chances are you like hot goss. Check out this great UK website with hot celebrity goss, before it is shut down.

www.popbitch.com


Any views expressed here are not necessarily those of New Zealand Young
Nationals, or the New Zealand National Party.

Contributions, feedback, articles and subscriptions welcome. Email
newwrite@national.org.nz

Editor: Phil Rennie


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