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The New Write:

The New Write

Official Newsletter of the New Zealand Young Nationals

25th March 2003

"Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king.” -Sideshow Bob








By Free Radical editor Lindsay Perigo

The Taleban are gone from Afghanistan. Saddam Hussein will soon be gone from Iraq. The Berlin Wall was torn down many years ago. Only Iran, Cuba, China, North Korea & Zimbabwe now believe in the all-powerful state. In many respects Thomas Jefferson's gloomy prognosis - that the natural order of things is for liberty to yield & government to gain ground - seems happily wrong.

But the retreat of obvious tyranny is one thing - the advance of creeping tyranny within freedom-loving nations is another. One does not have to be owned by the state to be controlled by the state - a point that Adolf Hitler understood very well. He didn't seek to directly take over private property the way the communists did, just to be able to dictate its use.

Hitler was, among other things, a fanatical anti-smoker who banned smoking in trains & waged war on smoking generally. But even he never dreamed, however, of attempting a ban on smoking in privately-owned restaurants, bars & clubs. It's been left to freedom-loving nations who defeated Hitler to do that.

Now, what was the point of fighting him, again?


Here is an article from Green MP Keith Locke, first featured in the Listener a few weeks ago. Writers were asked to imagine a world without the USA, and as you can see from “Kremlin Keith”s reply, he can barely suppress his glee at the thought. Here is what he had to say:

”I get a warm feeling typing this on my computer, knowing that most of Microsoft’s profits now go to the United Nations to provide free health and education to kids around the world. Microsoft is now run by a cooperative of computer geeks from 147 countries, based in Rwanda.

”The international agreement to limit defence spending to .001% of GDP has now been universally implemented, just three years after the last nuclear bomb was destroyed.

”Peace has broken out, there is very little violent crime, and drug taking is now “uncool”.

“The United States has found the adjustment difficult, particularly since the world moved to renewable energy. Nepal’s president said today that her country couldn’t process any more American economic refugees. “There are only so many unemployed soldiers, prison guards, lawyers, psychotherapists and car dealers we can take.”

”New Zealand has benefited greatly from the International Treaty for the Elimination of TV Advertising. Netball has quickly become the most watched global sport, with Kiwi coaches in great demand.”

(Yet more proof - as if any was needed - that Keith Locke is indeed a raving lunatic although this is impressive even by his standards. - ed)


By New Zealand’s finest investigative journalist, Sneaky R. Wilson

*The Prostitution Bill is due for its second reading this Wednesday, so expect more moral tub thumping from indignant MPs. However, stories keep rolling into the headquarters of Hot Goss about MPs making use of the world’s oldest profession.

It’s not a National MP though, I am reliably informed!

*Meanwhile other MPs seem to be determined to work as close as possible to these “ladies of the night” – the National Party’s flash new Auckland headquarters is located next door to Flora’s Massage parlour in central Auckland.

And United Future MP Marc Alexander has a new office in Christchurch, next door to a casino and just a building away from Christchurch’s seedy red-light district on Manchester Street.

*Rookie New Zealand First MPs Brent Catchpole and Craig McNair have been sent to speech-training by their party. I understand Mr Catchpole is learning to breathe while talking, while Winston is getting annoyed at the sycophantic ramblings from young Mr McNair. Craig prefaces every speech and statement with a tribute to “My Leader, the Right Honourable Winston Peters, who I’m proud and honoured to have as My Leader.”

*Did you know? If it wasn’t for the food colouring added to coca-cola, it’s actual colour would be green.

*Here’s another interesting fact: No MP from National or ACT smokes, yet they are the only two parties opposed to banning smoking in bars. Labour, by contrast, is full of smokers, but they are passing a law to stop themselves doing so.

*Spotted outside the ACT conference recently, at 7:30am on the Sunday morning: former Alliance MP Willie Jackson yelling and screaming obscenities. Closer inspection revealed that he wasn’t protesting – in fact, he was ringing a taxi company to complain about their delays. So much for being nice to the workers of the world!

But the question is, what was Big Willie doing outside the ACT conference at that time of morning? Was he returning from a big night on the town, or has he secretly become an ACT member?

*Local Government Minister Chris Carter has learnt his lesson after his embarrassing performance at Waitangi Day, and is now taking part in Maori language and culture lessons run at Parliament.

*Interesting news from across the Tasman - Australian Treasurer Peter Costello has been quietly reinvigorating discussion about a trans-tasman currency, and Australian commentators and academics are starting to take the issue seriously. A major Australian financial company recently published a report on the issue, unofficially nick-naming the currency “the Costello Krona”.

*Rodney Hide did some good PR work with the gay community recently, doing an interview on Queer Nation to prove he isn’t homophobic. And good on him, he paid for all the drinks, impressing the impoverished gay journalists. Did he use taxpayers money though?

*Last Friday saw the annual cricket game between a Parliamentary team and Wellington’s diplomatic community. This year saw an absolute hiding dished out by the House of Representatives, scoring 227 off 40 overs compared to 73 by the Foreigners. Some of the notable performances included:

-Jim Anderton score a polished 27 runs, playing watchfully, even though he was a little slow between wickets.

-Labour MP Ashraf Choudray was bowled for 2 runs by a girl, but burgled three wickets with his dibbly-dobbly full tosses.

-Transport Minister Paul Swain caned a quick-fire 30 runs.

-New Zealand First MP Brian Donnelly took a brilliant diving catch.

-But there was humiliation for a certain National Party press secretary, who suffered a painful blow to his “middle stump and two bails” from a full toss bowled by one of his female colleagues. Clearly rattled, he was then clean bowled by elderly New Zealand First MP Dail Jones.

*Meanwhile, rumour has it Michael Laws is considering returning to politics. Apparently he is thinking about running for Mayor of Wanganui. And Merepeka Raukawa-Tait is also getting involved in local politics – she is standing in the Masterton District Council’s by-election.

*Pushing the boundaries of good taste last weekend were Wellington National Party members who held a “war party”. One Parliamentary staffer even turned up dressed as Saddam Hussein, although observers say he looked more like a member of the Village People.

(The photos suggest that even the village people would be ashamed -ed)

*Plenty of comings and goings at Parliament – John Tamihere has a new press secretary, she is Helen Bain, a former Gallery journalist and motoring writer.

TVNZ are currently advertising for a new Gallery reporter, while NZ Herald editor John Armstrong is stepping down for health reasons. His likely replacement is Vernon Small.

And former Jim Bolger aide Rob Eaddy is replacing Mark Stonyer as United Future’s Chief of Staff.

*Which reminds me, journos certainly won’t miss the annual “Rat-f*cker awards”, a scathing annual summary of the Press Gallery that Mr Stonyer was widely assumed to be the author of.

*More hot goss from the website http:// http://www.gaynz.com! I’m not exactly sure what this item means, or what a “twink” is, but it certainly sounds dodgy!

*Boy oh boy, the shouting and voices could be heard from the PM’s office earlier this week as Pete Hodgson was hauled before the PM and Michael Cullen over his handling of the energy crisis. The PM hasn’t paid much attention to the issue, but she is not happy at all with Pete’s bungling and ignored warnings of an impending crisis.

*The relationship between John Tamihere and Steve Maharey remains as fraught as ever. Mr Maharey conducted a radio interview recently, on the sole condition that the interviewer would not ask him about ‘Mr T’. Of course the interviewer did, so Stevie stormed out red-faced and angry.

*Finally, a journo has been sacked from the Press newspaper after he complained about a dodgy scheme to boost the paper’s circulation figures. The newspaper introduced a scheme whereby they charged their 380 staff by automatic pay deduction for their traditionally free copy. They then made up for this by reimbursing staff with an after-tax allowance.

Subeditor Jim Doyle complained about the scheme, and was then sacked, with the paper claiming alcohol was the real problem. A personal grievance case is now ensuing.

Till next week…My lips are sealed!

-Sneaky R. Wilson


1. Couldn't find a Starbucks, a Country Road, let alone a vegan restaurant in downtown Baghdad.

2. My first job was to wipe the blood splatters off the walls at the Ministry of Torture.

3. I was sent home after testing positive for performance-enhancing falafel.

4. I started to miss National Radio because the local radio stations weren't anti-American enough.

5. I got suspicious when I was assigned to a mosque where the minaret was referred to as "the launch pad".

6. I got sick of letters from Keith Locke telling me how excited he was when he met Pol Pot.

7. I was unsure about my posting to the Baghdad Teddy Bear and Anthrax Corporation.

8. I was humiliated by losing to female human shields in the moustache-growing competition.

9. Nowhere in Baghdad can make a decent flat white.

10. No fancy reason - I was just scared shitless.

Courtesy of St Molesworth - http://www.geocities.com/stmolesworth

Be brave and pass it on!


A few interesting sites this week, with some causes well worth supporting. Firstly, an institute promoting good old fashioned ideas such as limited Government and individual freedom:


Another worthwhile cause to be involved in:


And this one, a boycott of France, not because of the Iraqi war, but because anti-semitism rife n France:


And finally, US’s version of Sneaky R. Wilson, but with a lot more credibility:


Any views expressed here are not necessarily those of New Zealand Young Nationals, or the New Zealand National Party.
Contributions, feedback, articles and subscriptions welcome. Email

Editor: Grant Tyrrell

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