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Bargain Basement Sale Of Unwanted Genetic Material


Endocringe PLC is pleased to announce that hair strands from Associate Minister for Biosecurity Marian Hobbs’ head, found in the lasagna at Bellamy’s, are available to the highest bidder.

Having been carefully selected by a time-tested democratic process Hobbs’ genes are claimed, by some, to be amongst the finest genetic material on the market in New Zealand.

The existing specimen is sloth-like, but can move quickly when her integrity is challenged. She is easily flustered when in contact with reality. However, careful use of an inhibitor gene should minimise the risk of these negative traits manifesting. The other solution is to apply a paper bag to the clone’s head.

We realise that with human experimentation there are ethical concerns about clones reaching an age of maturity. We can give you the utmost assurance this will not be a problem with any clone created from this sample.

To genetically engineer Marian clones you will also need:

- restriction endonucleases

- bacterial plasmid vectors

- a PCR machine (can make 100 billion copies of DNA fragments in a few hours)

- surrogate mothers

- a well-guarded laboratory

- a manic cackle of triumph

What you could do with your very own Marianette:

- Splice her genes with a vertebrate to give her some backbone

- Grow her in isolated laboratory conditions to see if she has any political life outside of contact with Helen Clark.

- Splice her with phosphorescent genes from a jellyfish (sharing a surprisingly common genome) making a Marian that glows in the dark

- Derive medications, which cure those who think that Labour is still listening to public opinion

Next product: Helen Clark DNA derived from saliva deposited on John Campbell during a TV interview last year.

Endocringe PLC is a small bio-tech company specialising in bizarrely useless solutions to non-existent problems.


As Marian doesn’t read anything that upsets her, we don’t feel any concern about this sale.

© Scoop Media

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