Gordon Campbell | Parliament TV | Parliament Today | News Video | Crime | Employers | Housing | Immigration | Legal | Local Govt. | Maori | Welfare | Unions | Youth | Search

 

SOLOist's Guide to Reducing Your Carbon Footprint

The Environmentally-Conscious SOLOist's Guide to Reducing Your Carbon Footprint

1) Smoke cigarettes:
Smoking, though contributing 0.000032% of greenhouse gas emissions, is a sure fire way to reduce your carbon footprint. The diminished lung capacity of smokers means they are less greedy when converting oxygen to CO2, using only what they need. The shortened life span of your average smoker means they can shave off years of carbon emissions altogether.

2) Drink heavily:
Booze production has a low carbon footprint. Packaging consists usually of only a recyclable glass bottle and paper label. A drunken stupor puts you in a low metabolic state similar to sleep. When combined with a smoker's diminished lung capacity, even less CO2 is produced through selfish, unnecessary over-breathing and metabolising. Drinking can also supplant the desire for food, further diminishing one's carbon footprint.

3) Give up exercise:
See above. Smoking and drinking lower your carbon footprint by shortening your life. Exercise increases your life span and increases your lung capacity. Don't do it—you'll kill polar bears.

4) Don't breed:
Natural, wholesome, sexual intercourse produces babies. Babies become walking carbon factories after upgrading from mere shit machines. SOLO recommends that instead of indulging in natural, wholesome, sexual intercourse; you indulge in the most depraved and unusual acts that you can imagine. This will sate your desires, but greatly reduce the chance of breeding, if you can come up with new and inventive places to put things.

5) Kill yourself:
But do it responsibly and in a carbon-neutral fashion. SOLO recommends you tie a hemp (must be hemp, no artificial fibre) rope around your neck, attach it to an anvil, sail under wind-power out to the Mariana Trench and throw yourself over the side.

ENDS

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Parliament Headlines | Politics Headlines | Regional Headlines

Gordon Campbell: On The New Pike River Agency (And The Air Strike Wing)

Much of the sympathy the public still feels for the families of the Pike River miners has been sustained by the sense that the previous government – let alone the mining company and the processes of receivership and litigation – has never dealt honestly, or fairly, with them.

Finally, yesterday’s announcement by the Ardern government that a new state agency will be set up to assess and plan the manned re-entry to the mine (on a set timetable) goes a long way to meeting the families’ remaining request: that they be enabled, if at all possible, to bury their loved ones. More>>

 

Not Going Swimmingly: Contractor Cut, New Dates For Christchurch Sports Centre

“As an incoming Minister, I have been conducting a thorough review of progress on the Anchor projects and to learn of a $75 million budget blowout on this project was very disappointing..." More>>

ALSO:

Tertiary: Allowances, Loan Living Costs To Get Boost

“From 1 January, student allowance base rates and the maximum amount students can borrow for living costs will rise by a net $50 a week,” says Education Minister Chris Hipkins... further adjusted from 1 April 2018 in line with any increase in the CPI. More>>

ALSO:

Foreign Affairs: Patrick Gower Interviews Jacinda Ardern

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern says discussions have already begun on how to bring climate change refugees into New Zealand under a Pacific seasonal employment plan... More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The Centre Right’s Love Of ‘Nanny State’

You’d almost think it was 2005 again. That was a time when the rugged individualists of the centre-right were being beset by government regulations on the nature of light-bulbs, the size of shower heads, the junk food available at school tuck shops and other such essentials... More>>

Speaking Of Transport: Public Engagement On Wellington Scenarios

“Our work on possible solutions for Wellington’s transport future is ongoing, but has progressed to the stage where we’re ready to share our ideas with the public and seek their feedback to help guide our next steps...” More>>

ALSO:

Parental Leave: National's Time-Sharing Change Fails

National has proposed a change to the Parental Leave and Employment Protection Amendment Bill that would allow both parents to take paid parental leave at the same time, if that is what suits them best. More>>

ALSO:

 
 
 
 
 

LATEST HEADLINES

  • PARLIAMENT
  • POLITICS
  • REGIONAL
 
 

Featured InfoPages

Opening the Election