For Immediate Release

MEDIA RELEASE
Satirists for Section 59 Debate
6 June 2009
SATIRE
Keyhole’s assault conviction overturned

Judge Fairmind has granted an “honourable discharge without conviction” to All Black and political satirist John Keyhole, 50, recently convicted by a Christchurch jury of assaulting his four year-old son in a public park. This “U-turn” as callers to Christchurch radio talk-back are calling it, came about this morning after the Judge learnt for the first time that Keyhole is actually a current member of the All Blacks, albeit a lesser know entity within the squad (see Full Squad Photo in today’s Dominion Post Bendon Underwear Colour Supplement, Page A3: Keyhole is next to the leggy, honey-blonde).

Keyhole’s lawyer, Michaelah de Wontono-Veitch, a former All Black and current part time rugby sports commentator on Radio 95 BF#M, told Judge Fairmind - a well-known financial sponsor of the team - that his client, Keyhole, should receive an “honourable discharge – commensurate with his social status as an honourable All Black”, because “there is insufficient evidence to justify the imposition of any sentence involving prison, community work, or a fine”. Furthermore, the All Blacks and the New Zealand public would be “gutted”, he said, if Keyhole was unable to play for the team in important forthcoming international fixtures in the Seychelles and Easter Island Old Boys Reunion. His client, he said, could never wear the All Black jersey again nor hold his head erect, if he was forced by any order to do community work for any anti-smacking lobby group or like-minded charity. Embracing a culture of healthy ‘violence’ on the sports field was central to Keyhole being a successful rugby player, he said.

In his judgment Fairmind J. raised concerns about the quality of the evidence relating to the alleged assault - that two Christchurch JPs had examined at deposition hearings which had lasted less than ten minutes. The evidence used to convict Keyhole two weeks ago, presented by Crown counsel Ms Suzie Bradford QC and sourced from Christchurch Police District Commander Dave U-turn and ten of his male officers, had consisted of only two sources: (1) a hand-written note” by the honey-blonde-haired Constable Miss Candy Donowrong, concerning “alleged conversations she had with Keyhole and his accuser - Ministry of Education official, Miss Bellamy Payne,
on or near the Bridge of Forgetfulness, soon after the alleged assault on April Fool’s Day 2007, and (2) a series of six interview sheets filed at HQ by six male officers who had been unable to locate eye-witnesses to the alleged assault.

Fairmind J. noted that through Keyhole’s defence lawyer, Familio First, “Miss Candy” (known to her colleagues as “Sandy Candy”) had been accused by Keyhole of “putting words in [his Key’s] mouth” concerning the incident involving his son (Candy’s note stated that Keyhole said he had “hit is son”). He also recorded in his decision his concern that “Miss Candy” had never sought to take a written signed statement from Keyhole and in Court had provided no explanation whatsoever of this breach of standard procedure and natural justice. He speculated that “perhaps the very prompt arrival of Candy’s ten male police officer colleagues to the scene of the alleged offence – the Bridge of Forgetfulness – following her distress 111 emergency call to HQ - had caused her memory lapse leading to her failures to follow PPP (“Proper Police Protocol as it is referred to in Police HQ).”

Fairmind J. noted with alarm that the police had made a “U-turn” in the case prior to it coming before a jury: thereby raising serious issues of natural justice. Two days after investigating the alleged assault Christchurch District Commander Dave U-turn had contacted Keyhole to say no charges would be laid. Days later Miss Bellamy Payne – the lady who had given a statement to Constable Sandy Candy Donowrong on the bridge, accusing him of hitting his son, pressured police to revisit the matter as an “assault” based on a fresh allegation she made about the incident.

Update

Well-know rock ‘n roll drummer John Keyhole, called “Ear#lick Jono” by his many admirers including his six boys and wife, is staging a free outdoor celebratory performance in the park near the Bridge of Forgetfulness to mark the resolution of his Court case. Angry Dad, the rock group of which Keyhole is a founding member, led by singer Flick Hardie-Boys, will perform new material including “Don’t Cry for Me Sandy Candy” and “Why the #lick Do You Payne Me So”. Crowd foot-stomping favourites “#lick the Little Fire-engine” and “#lick Goes the Shears Boys … #lick, #lick, #lick” and the band’s widely-loved rendition of Leon Cohen’s Bar-Mitzvah Moody Melody “Hallelujah!” are among others to be performed tonight.

Christchurch police have issued a warning that so-called “YES Vote protest lobbyists seeking to promote “anti-smacking” propaganda at or near the Bridge concert venue will be excluded by the Band’s Minders – local support bands The Police and Uturn.

ENDS

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