Jackson Wood thanks his supporters
For Immediate Release
Former Mount Albert aspirant Jackson James Wood today thanked his supporters, offering to send each of them an autographed, naked, photograph in thanks for voting for him.
"I would like to take this chance" Wood said, "to formally concede to Jim Bagnall, Ari Baker, John Boscawen, Simonne Dyer, Malcolm France, Dakta Green, Melissa Lee, Russel Norman, Julian Pistorius, Judy Turner, Anthony Van Den Heuvel, and that David fellow."
"Ben Boyce and I were competing at a different level, and I think I clearly won."
"As far as Rusty Kane is concerned - I can only say that if you get beaten in an election by a man who described the electorate as a 'dump' on national television, maybe politics is not your calling."
"Thanks to all those media who got behind us, especially those who took the time to reply to my press releases with messages of support. Your non-votes, forced out of your hands by geographic serendipity, could have made all the difference for me, and I hope you got some small measure of pleasure from my campaign as you whiled away your days in those hellhole newsrooms."
"A special thanks though to my campaign manager, Daniel. He truly is a handsome and talented man who writes many of my press releases and invents many of my quotes without so much as bothering to check them with me - including, of course, this one."
"I will not be calling for any recounts, and refuse to become the next Winston Peters, largely because I cannot afford those stunning suits. As such, this is the end of the line for the Wood campaign."
Wood then turned to leave the press conference, pausing only for a second to gaze longingly back into the eyes of the flashing paparazzi, a tear visibly glinting in his eye.
"For now, that is."
For any media wishing to send gushing messages of congratulations, feel free.