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Navy Open Day to Say “Sorry” for Contamination

Navy Open Day to Say “Sorry” for Contamination

Date: 23 March 2018


“The Navy will be hosting a public Open Day at Devonport Naval Base tomorrow to express their regret over the contamination of the local community’s water supply and the destruction of the surrounding marine ecosystem from toxic levels of firefighting foam,” said Friends of the Navy spokesman Cissy Whiteman.


“The Navy is opening the doors to the public to claim compensation by way of Navy goods at the Devonport Base. People are invited to bring their own tools to dismantle Navy property and haul it away as a sort of compensation for the contamination.”


“The Navy is also offering a big free feast of food along with free helicopter rides for kids and an opportunity to captain one of the Navy’s two warships to any member of the public. We think it only fair that if the Navy are going to destroy the public water supply, then they need to pay.”


“There will also be free public water testing - so bring your sample if you are concerned about your drinking water at home.”


“At the same time, the NZDF has decided to cancel its $639 million contract with Lockheed Martin to upgrade weapons on the two warships and instead use that money to clean up the toxic sites across the country that NZDF are responsible for - this includes Devonport, Whenuapai, Ohakea, Woodburne and well, anywhere else the stuff is discovered on Defence property.”


“We think that most New Zealanders would really rather have clean water and clean beaches than have the Navy fighting more Middle East oil wars. It’s a pretty simple choice.”


“We invite everyone around the Auckland region to the Devonport Base tomorrow to enjoy the day.”


*Scoop Editor's note: For clarification this is a satirical piece and not representative of the Navy's views"

ends

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