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Classic Kiwi bike tale helps rev up trees

Opinion piece

Classic Kiwi bike tale helps rev up McGillicuddies’ trees

The Laird McGillicuddy Graeme Cairns explains how the man who played Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter has given new life to his lemons.

The Roger Donaldson film The World’s Fastest Indian really inspired me.

Not to take up backyard engineering or race motorcycles, but to find a new successful low-budget way of improving the health of my citrus trees.

Since watching the film about a year ago I have been following Anthony Hopkins’ sterling example, by consistently (how shall I put this) urinating on the bases of five sad unproductive citrus trees in my garden.

And I’m happy to report they’re all doing fine and looking a lot more vigorous.

Now, mixing occasionally, as I do, in polite society, I was having difficulty finding a delicate way of announcing my results, until I hit on the following euphemism: "MUNRO WATER".

Every New Zealander who has seen the film knows exactly what I mean - eg. "That tree could do with some Munro Water!"

I never met Burt Munro, he gets no mention whatsoever in the 2000 edition of the New Zealand Encyclopedia and nor have I examined Roger Donaldson’s research notes.

I haven’t even asked Burt’s former neighbour if he really did get their son to piddle on his favourite lemon tree, whilst he was off in Nevada having a go at the world speed record. But that doesn’t matter, as the image is now firmly locked into the popular consciousness.

So, to immortalise the name of one of New Zealand’s most remarkable unsung heroes, and to improve the health of your orchard, I exhort you all to "MUNRO YOUR CITRUS TREES".

"Munro"/mΛn’rƏU/verb - The act of urinating on plants (esp. citrus trees), for their benefit.

"Munro water"/mΛn’rƏU w :tə(r)/noun - Human urine used as a plant fertiliser.

ENDS

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