Scoop Satire: Pitzfatrick Converts
EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is today commencing publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and seldom amused should avoid this content. See the author's note at the end of this page for more information about the Babylon Express newspaper and its publishers.
Legendary ex-All Block captain Prawn Pitzfatrick shocked the world rugby community today when he announced that he is to convert to the Bahai faith. Speaking at a luncheon for Steincoke Enterprises, Pitzfatrick said his conversion was the result of a "deep spiritual yearning that no amount of rucking, whinging, or professional cheating ever managed to satisfy."
Bahai, a religion of Persian origins, follows the teachings of Baha-Ullah, who claimed to be the direct bringer of a new revelation from God. Pitzfatrick, however, would not be drawn on what that revelation might be.
"Well, I don't want to give away too much at this stage. But I will say full credit to the creator. Y'know, Bahai is a great way of teaching committment and building spirit. It's all about not settling for second best. Yeah, you could say I've got a few scores to settle."
Bahai co-ordinator and former fellow Auckland and All Block infringement-expert Handy Aden said that local Bahai community were "rapt" about the news.
"Yeah well it's a great thing for Auckland Bahai. Prawn's a guy with tremendous experience and I think he'll really galvanise some of the younger followers. There's been a bit of talk about Prawn's alleged lack of prayer fitness, but he actually contacted me a few weeks ago and we put him on a very rigourous prayer and fasting regime which he's followed to the letter. But then that's just Prawn."
Further speculation centered on whether Pitzfatrick, who has not played representative rugby for some years, would be available for the annual challenge match against the local Tibetan Monk community.
"Again, I can't really say. Obviously I'd love to play - there's no feeling in the world like pulling on the Bahai jersey. But against the Tibetans it's always going to be very physical game, so it really depends on the knee and whether I can gain a state of perfect communion with my creator at this stage of my bodily vehicle's evolution. One thing you can be sure of though - at the end of the day Bahai will be the winner."
- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at firstname.lastname@example.org. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.